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A little lost


Broken Fox
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The waiting is the worst. It feels like the walls of my home have become the limit to my world at times, and just the simplest things, like going outside, or food shopping, seems a monumental task. But I think the key is realizing that these things shouldn't scare me.

Then my mind jumps to the big things. I don't have a job right now and I am terrified of losing everything because the lack of cash flow is getting bad. I have jury duty soon, my car is breaking down, and I really need to go to the dentist to have this cavity looked at. And I get really down and end up just sitting there watching TV or reading a book to try and escape. For the most part it works, I clear my head a bit and am ready to do something again, but then I look around and realize I've spent another day inside my head, not doing anything of value or that will benefit my situation.

To make matters worse, my roommate and I used to work for the same company, and before I was let go, he was injured at work and put on disability (which turned out to be permanent) so we both just sit around waiting for something good to happen. Also, and this is a tangent, my grandfather died of a hospital mistake when I was actually in the car headed over to see him about a month after I was fired.

I've been battling my condition for years, and it has never won for more then a few hours. I have always been able to take the hit and keep running but these last few months have broken me I think. I can't stand the thought of doing nothing, but I also can't work up the motivation to actively fix it.

I have a tattoo on my arm, the latin for "Where are we going?" I took it from a TV show a long time ago, and ever since then have been asking myself that to try and focus on all the things I need to do to make my life worthwhile. It has always motivated me, but now it feels like dead weight. I don't know where I'm going anymore, and the thought of starting over makes me want to turn the lights off and sleep for another 12 hours.

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Hang in there. I know I've felt like that from time to time too. These last few weeks, dragging myself to work has been about all I could do. On somedays, I haven't even been able to do that. Low moods suck. I don't have much to offer other than to say you're not alone. Other people on here might have helpful suggestions. Take care of yourself!

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