This is so not fair

[sadgreeneyes]

New email today : "we agreed 3 months ago to not have kids, why this stubbornness suddenly L, we dont have time for intrigues and your stubbornness does not benefit us"

I felt so sad and diminished, my soul died even a it more by this email. And he scares me even now. But I wont change my mind. I am scared.

I am not making intrigues, I have not betrayed him in any way, I have not broke any promises we made. I have always been there for him, even these 3 months he left me heart broken, ignored, not talked too, my feelings and needs never heard in these 3 months.

Now he says like I was the one breaking our agreement not to have kids. It was him who threatened me to not have kids or I would lose him. I was scared to death I would lose him, I said I didnt know first as I was scared I´ll lose him if I said yes I want kids and had to mumble a yes. And why should I have to say anything when we agreed before marriage having kids and we even talked about names, it was clear from the beginning we should be a family.

I am stronger now and reclaim what he promised before and after marriage, before he started abusing me.

I am not the one who is deal breaker. He is.

I wrote him one more letter the truth how he threatened me that time and scared me. I said it all like it is. He must know the truth. I know he does. He only wants to manipulate me further.

The email today shows he just continue not respecting me, he doesnt hear me. He makes me feel just bad and unworthy

[Loneone]

Stick to your guns. When you are under their control, they press and push and mold you into a little ball of dirt they can roll under their foot. When you surprise an abuser by saying enough to the abuse, they still try to manipulate and blame you and make you believe that you hurt them, that you left them. It is how they trap people in the cycle. I am so proud that you said enough is enough. Don't let him back in, and you'll just continue to get stronger. You know that what you are doing is right.

[Verbally abused?]

I completely agree with Loneone!

[sadgreeneyes]

Well, now he has rolled me under his foot again, I wrote the main truth to him, that it wasnt actually about the kids, but his behavior and that he is abusive.

I wrote a long letter again about all what I think about him, his intentions, his non existing attachment to me, his abusive words, his threats, his lack of desire, everything that came to mind which was about everything. Even wrote I think I will be miserable with him.

The thing is that when I write all this, he never say sorry or my god I shouldnt have said that, how could I, I must have been out of my mind.

He does respond with one sentence usually and that we both had mistakes,and that things will be better and we both work and that he will desire me. He seem so unaffected, there is no reactions to what is said about him or the problems, he just say all by this one sentence. I told him I divorce him and get him deported back to his country if his words are written on the wind.

I cant believe I let him get his way with not having kids, I guess it is because I never have wanted kids in my earlier years and that its only the latest years I have been thinking maybe I want a child. If I say I want a child or if I imagine having a child to take care of and raising up, it scares me, it makes me feel uncomfortable, I guess it is because of my own abusive childhood, I grew up without my mother and my father was self busy, ignoring, no communication, no love and thank God for that today as I´m fine with it. I dont like my father as he hit my mother and brother. They are not alive.

So I guess this is why I let him run over me with not having children. But I swear to God I will divorce him if he doesnt make me feel loved and desired, safe and respected, I told him he should know my words were serious.

I also know that abusers work hard to not give you what they know you want. Because they enjoy seeing their victim be sad about it.

I´m sorry to tell you that I am so weak, I dont even know why I do this, because I dont love him anymore like I loved him, but it hurts so much to lose him anyway. I dont understand it. Why it hurts so much. I have read that after being abused that these relationship is much harder to get over. It just feels so hard and yet at same time I feel I want to escape, but I cant or dont because something his holding my back, whether it is a false feeling or my pain :confused: