venting....

[marinlabyinth]

Last night, I got drunk--like, actually drunk--for the first time. Needless to say I feel like shit today. Naseous, on top of feeling sick already this week, and for some reason (whether or not it's the alcohol, I'm not experienced enough to know) I am having the worst depressive episode since, I don't know, elementary school. I thought my dad would die because he is going on a buisness trip, and started sobbing, all I can think is that I am a piece of shit and the world would be better without me. That sounds so cliche.

and I wish I could say I just drank last night because it was fun and I wanted to be a 'normal teenager', that's certainly part of it but this story isn't cliche enough already right?? No, it was definitley to forget. Because that evening I had a few of the usual 'revelations', in which my friends let me know what an idiotic asshole I am. Whenever I get these I feel horrible for like a week even though I ask for them. These are little things like when I make a social mistake and they get mad, god knows how I even have friends in the first place.

Anyway, what happened at the party was that one friend we were talking about why her mom doesn't like me and she says "well it takes a while to get used to talking to you" referring to the fact that I sometimes behave in an off putting manner (pretending to be angry and getting worked up over stupid things) and people think I really am that intense and angry. This issue came up again when I was talking to another girl and she said I was nicer outside of school implying that I was not nice when she first met me, I said it's the fake mad thing huh and she said yes. At that point this one kid who has a tradition of picking off a girl a party started to move in on me. I have not done anything sexually ever and I knew I was about to. He's hot, but hell no I'm not going to be the next in a series of his whores, plus he's only 15. But I have read enough teenage novels to know my low self esteem will end up with me enjoying this pathetic kind of attention ('it's better than nothing') and hooking up, so I told my friends to take care of me. I was drunk for probably 3 hrs and during that time I knew I was just creating more social mistakes to regret, but usually when I get these 'revelations' I isolate myself, go to sleep and pretend I'm going to die. Clearly one does not do this at a party so I chose to drink, but I knew I was acting like a dumbshit the whole time so I spent the 3 hrs apologizing. At one point 2 friends left the house drunk at night and I freaked out and almost cried, in that state I was convinced she would be raped or something, her mom clearly saw how I was behaving (yes the parents were there :confused:) and how the other children were behaving (intoxicated).

Went home, slept till 5, cried, faced myself. So I put off self hatred for a few hours and took it double the next day. Every day the feeling gets worse....it's not guilt because I haven't really HURT too many people badly in my life. It's just these little fucking social mistakes, offending people, and having to know that I'm 'that girl' that people think is mean or angry or wierd, and knowing that I'm being talked about behind my back, disliked....just the shame and humiliation of being myself builds up every day. I want to hide my face and disappear. I hate myself....SO MUCH. I would trade in my intelligence, my talents, my looks, and my tastes to become a 'nice person', to be charismatic and likeable and bubbly. I would do anything to be a nice person even if it meant I had to be hideous, stupid, and obese.

So I thought maybe this is just the turning point or the dark night of the soul, once you hit rock bottom you go up and that shit. Maybe I could improve myself, be nicer. After all, school just ended 2 days ago. I could get in shape, clean my room, take advantage of summer camp new social situations to practice, wake up early, get a job, and turn over a brand spankin new leaf.

But I've thought that so many times over the years it's ridiculous. Just when I think I'm behaving acceptably, one of these 'revelations' come out. Whether it's gently by my friend or nastily by my enemies. The only difference between the two is that my friends are willing to put up with my shit and my enemies aren't. There's no new leaves. I'm going to be the same forever and this will keep happening over and over and I will be ashamed and humiliated forever because I JUST DON'T HAVE SOCIAL SKILLS. I just don't. And I can't take being disappointed in myself anymore.