Help! Depressed and wishing it would end

[funky-guitar-babe-9]

About a week ago, I started to become very depressed - I have had major mood swings before, and am prone to quite low lows, if that makes sense? Sometimes i will be very happy, and feel as if everything is great, then something will happen and I'll feel awful all over again, even without any actual trigger sometimes. However, it was much worse this time, and I had random crying fits, wanting to hide away, and very low self esteem. Sometimes I felt better again, but a simple, trivial comment from my father like "no, cut the potatoes a bit bigger" would set me off again back into my depression, feeling like I was hopeless and couldn't cope, and could never achieve anything in my life.

I have self-harmed in the past, using scissors, penknives or broken glass, cutting into my arms and stomach; although I now generally have this under control, I still feel the urge to sometimes and sometimes give in to it, hence I currently have a raised red area along my abdomen from sewing scissors, and a fair few scars on my arms. Whenever anyone has noticed, I’ve dismissed it, blaming clumsiness, falling in brambles, my friend's cats etc, although it is very rare for people to notice things like that about me, or indeed me at all, I often think.

I am not the sort of person who can really talk to my parents, I find it very difficult, as I do not get on very well with my mother a lot of the time, who just gets irritated if I am not my "normal, happy self" and struggle to express my feelings even to my dad, who I am much closer to. [both of my parents dismiss anything negative, such as concerns about my appearance, as "normal teenage stuff", but I feel I have it worse than I should.]

Friends as well are out of the question, as I do not really have anyone I trust and who I feel cares about me enough to listen [another thing which worsens my depression, and vice versa.] I also want to know, is this connected to my menstrual cycle, is that possible? My worst depression started in the week leading up to my period, and although it is still with me now, it seems to be better than it was at my lowest point about 5 days ago. Stupid question I know, but I have never felt like this before, wanting to just disappear and wishing my life would just end [although I would not do that to my family].

My self esteem is also very low, I have been bullied for many years about being overweight, and my hair etc, and although outwardly I embrace it, I often find myself staring in the mirror and wishing I could be a totally different person. Sometimes I feel good about myself, but a joke from a friend, which they see as harmless, often makes me feel bad again; but it's often me making these jokes about myself, so it's not as if my friends are trying to be mean to me, I always laugh, agree, or say something funny, even though it actually hurts me. They don't mean to, though.

I also have angry outbursts, but as is the pattern with me, nobody has ever witnessed them; I have been known to smash pieces of glass to relieve this anger, but that often leads to self-harm as well. I also talk to myself sometimes, I have a very overactive imagination and am very creative, writing, music etc, so that may be it; however, I often do fantasise about being an older, grown up, glamorous and perfect version of myself: the beautiful, sexy, worldly and hugely successful woman, instead of the fat, ugly, depressed girl who has never even been looked over by a guy, let alone dated.

I have had PMS in the past, and mood swings, but they have never been as bad as this, and although I have often thought about death [on and off since I was about 11 or 12, I'm now 16], these feelings have been a lot more intense and frequent, and I have often found myself thinking “I wish I was dead”, or “Why can’t this just end?”

I started to improve over the last couple of days, and today I got my period, which has been the worst it's ever been, with awful back pain and nausea; is this also connected, and does this mean anything?

Thank you for reading this, and I hope someone can tell me what's wrong with me; I know at 16 it seems like I'm just a teenager on the outside, but on the inside I think that I have more serious problems, am I just overreacting?

[Heaven Help Us]

reading everything you wrote is very similar to me. I was diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder or manic depression. My paretns don't know because my friend took me and we lied about where we went.

I'm currently battleing severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I use to have very bad SI tendensies like you, but lucky for you it doesn't sound like you addicted to any substances or anything. I literally spent almost all of the last school year drunk and high, I'm now sober but that really just added to my problems.

I get set off by everythign to. The thing is I have learned to calm myself down and I don't have really anyone in real life to talk to either, but I listen to alot of music and I go on websites like this. I know its hard, I was picked on too and I always feel like I'm just very awkward.

If you need to talk to anyone, you can PM me, but I'm proud of you for asking for help. And as for SI, you seriously need to stop. I say this as someone who started to cut when she was 9. I did it for about 4 years and I have now been clean for two years, last cut was over a year ago.

Also it might be worse due to horomones and stuff, but it still sounds like you need some help, and your gonna get help. I hope you feel better

[funky-guitar-babe-9]

Hey, thanks for your reply Glad to know I'm not alone, and I hope that you get better too

As for the substance addiction, I have a very obsessive personality, so I have been staying away from alcohol and drugs, since i know I would get addicted, although many times i have walked through the town centre and wanted to get some cigarettes, stat smoking to make me thin. But I haven't, mainly because you have to be 18 to buy them now, and I'm not - I'm worried that if I do find a place to, however, I'll end up addicted very quickly, and I don't want that.

I'm the eldest of 4 in my family, and often in charge of my 9 month old sister, and 8 year old brother [at 14, my other brother can take care of himself]. I'm just expected to be mature and able to deal with everything, and I get a bit overwhelmed sometimes. Also, i dress in an alternative manner, very 50s-orientated with some punk and goth tendencies, have a love of body piercings and rock music [i pay electric guitar]. Basically, I'm the tough girl, the one who can take charge of a family when my dad [who is disabled] can't, and my mum is at work; I just kinda do it, look after the family, without thinking, so i suppose I think that if I let my guard down I'll seem weak, the total opposite of how everyone sees me.

I'm thinking about going to my GP, I just can't open up to my parents, or college tutors or whatever, my pride is too important to me, I know it's stupid but I just can't help it. my Dr, however, I think I might be able to talk to. I hope so.

Thank you for your support [[[Hugs]]]

[Heaven Help Us]

No problems. I dress different and not only that but I'm like the minority where I live. It always feels like people are expecting alot from me. My ex boyfriend would always tell me I needed help, and just making this small step by jioning this place and finding a support group in my area just made me feel so much better.

I can kinda imagine what its like for you, I guess its kinda like being in charge of a family so then it somewhat functions I'm thinking. And that is a very demanding job, not only that but if your 16, then obviously your in school too (I'm guessing) so theres more stress. Alot of people would say to try to eliminate stress from your life, but I find that a pile of crap because life will always be stressful if people need you and your building your future (ie school). I think though you should try to relax or something, like you play guitar? then schedule a certian amount of time everyday to just strum away for like half an hour. Its also pretty good to have a certian time everyday, so then its like fixed in, guarenteed and when life gets to much just kinda look forward to that time.

I'm not sure if it helps any, but for me, if I keep myself busy then it takes my mind off of my lows. Which can be hard, cause when I start to go down I don't want to do anything, but it keeps me from thinking and for me that seems to work. So maybe when your starting to go down find something that takes alot of thought to do right or something.

And I have the same problem, I get addicted to alot of stuff very easily. But don't smoke just to get thin. If you want to lose weight, try to get on a healthier diet (and not like by going annerxic) and try to add alittle more exercise to your everyday, like maybe after dinner push the baby in a stroller around your black or something.

and it is good to find someone to talk to. I know it sounds cheesy. Even if you like have to write letters to yourself, there was some book I read once about alittle boy who lost his sister and a psychologist told him to deal with it by writing letters to her and to tell her all his thoughts and so on. I write and that really helps me.

Stay strong and i hope you feel better ok?

P.S. one thing that always helps me is my favorite band, My Chemical Romance. I don't know if you like them or anything, but some of their songs like Heaven Help Us (hence my username) really help me through alot and it inspires me knowing that the lead singer suffered from severe depression and lots of problems and he's ok now

[funky-guitar-babe-9]

Yeah, being in the minority can be tough. I don't want to be in the mainstream, but it would be nice if I fitted somewhere...anywhere...something that really depresses me is my lack of close friends. i have plenty of people around me who'll talk to me, but nobody I'm actually close to. And at 16, I've never had a boyfriend, or a date, or been kissed, and that really gets to me, why can't I be attractive to anyone? I mean, I know I' a little overweight, but there are plenty of girls who people say are a lot less attractive, and they still get guys...I don't see why I can't, and why nobody wants me I mean, I think I'm a perfectly nice person, outwardly I don't take myself too seriously and have a good sense of humour, so why?

And having people to talk to online is a great help to me - I'm useless at talking to people I know, hence I haven't ever told my parents how I feel, so the anonymity of the internet helps a lot. I'm trying to work up the courage and go to my GP though, I'm hoping that he will be able to help, I think I could talk to him. I hope.

As for music, playing my guitar does help me - I had some time to myself today, so I had a great couple of hours, drinking coffee, watching NCIS and playing guitar, three of my great loves And I was all OK, but then...IDK, I seem to have craaaaazy mood swings. And I think my mum makes it worse, cos she says things that she doesn't know hurt me, but they do, and then I get all depressed again and start wishing that I was dead all over again. I mean, I'll joke about suicide, and say "Yeah, thanks for that, mum, i think I'll go off myself now!" and everyone will laugh, just Nikki [my nickname, btw] being herself, then funny one, great sense of humour, etc..." But, really, there is something inside that threat, and although I'd never go through with i, I just...I just sometimes wish that I hadn't been born in the first place, so that I wouldn't be in this position. And I hate that, cos there's no reason for me to be depressed, really. Other than being bullied about my weight, appearance, intellect and beliefs as a kid, there's no reason for it; I always thought that I came out a much stronger person on the other side, but maybe years of being ridiculed actually took their toll quite seriously? IDK, I've never been abused, my parents are together and very loving. although I sometimes feel as the eldest that I'm not noticed, my Dad makes a real effort with that my mum unknowingly, I think, seems to favour the younger siblings, she doesn't seem to like me as much, although I know she loves me just the same.] So why do I feel like this? Is it chemical, just the way I am, or am i just pathetic? I'm always expected to be strong, and everyone thinks I am, but really, I'm just not.

Music does help a lot, like you said, the thing is that I have so much of my time occupied by my family when I'm at home that I go into that mode, and I can't take a break and go play guitar, listen to music, or whatever, instead it's "Do the washing up, make the tea, put the washing out..." etc. Maybe it will be better when i go back to college day after tomorrow, then I'll only be home in the mornings and evenings, so I should get better - half term plus a week of for the tutors training thingy for the last couple of weeks, I think that half the reason i got so bad is that I've been cooped up at home, but I have too many responsibilities to go out all the time. And besides, i have nowhere to go, and nobody to go with.

Thanks again for your help, Heaven Help Us, it's made me feel a lot better knowing that somebody noticed me, for a change, instead of fading into the background, like I always do.

By the way, if you don't mind me asking, what did your Doctor prescribe you, meds, counseling, what?

[Heaven Help Us]

yeah I can identify with almost everything you've said. But when I was little, I had a really bad childhood and alot of very bad things have happened to me. But even if nothing has happened, that doesn't mean you can't be depressed. People say everyone gets depressed, and I think some people luck out of it or get it not so bad, but then there is people like us, who go swinging and there isn't so much luck for us. It's not at all pathetic to be depressed, but it is pathetic if you let it fully control you. And I speak from experience from this, if you do nothing and just let it grow instead of trying to feel better and get help then that is pretty pathetic.

And I'm willing to answer any question if it'll help you or whatever (man that sounds kinda creepy) but yea, when I went to the doctor he just diagnosed me, I got some anti-depressants, but I only had enough for about 2 months.

And i understand the being to busy, but you still need to at least do one little thing for yourself everyday.

and as for the being overweight and due to it not being able to get a date, thats a pile of bull. To me looks don't matter and I know alot of people like that. I use to be pretty chunky, but I lost weight and now I'm pretty skinny. But the boyfriend I just recently had was pretty big. You know what? I loved him all the same. In fact I kinda liked the fact he was so big, it was so great to give him hugs. To everyone else he was "big and ugly" but to me, that didn't matter. In fact I liked how he looks, I really like them way more then what most people consider pretty or whatever in a guy. So if you are a great person, despite what you look like, you'll get someone. I can guarentee that.

One thing I'm no sure if I've really said thi, but I'm really proud of you for making an effort to get help, even if it is talking to strangers online.