BPD, Addiction, PMS?????

[JustTrying]

Not sure where to put this one at.

Been on Lithium for about 2 weeks.. I need to make a call in a few minutes and see if I can schedule my first blood test.

I do not know if I was subconsciously trying to kill myself last week or what. I had been warned about drinking on this medication. SO.... the first week I had a 12 pack.. 6 here , 6 there.. no big deal. Last week I had a total of 60 beers... within 4 days. Needless to say that wasn't good. My mouth tasted like metal and I just felt like shit. I wasn't drinking caffeine, but I wasn't drinking the water and I wasn't urinating. I think I had a toxic amount of Lithium in my system. Had some crazy hallucinations etc. Felt like I had to throw up all the time.

Friday I do not take the Lithium at all and I drink allot of water and juice... started urinating again and man did I feel better Saturday morning,.... Saturday morning I went back on the med. Still have a little metal taste in my mouth, and had some diarrhea but other than that feel OK.

I was wondering last night and this morning, why I would do such a thing? Why would I drink on this medication when I know it could kill me. I also had Suicidal Idealization last week too while drunk, but that is normal for me when I drink. I did not do anything .. didn't even cut. Just talked about wanting to die....

But anyway.. as I am reading and thinking this morning.. I start having pains... so I go check my Calender... SURE ENOUGH.. I should have gotten my Period yesterday. I try to keep up with that because I get depressed and tired the week before. SO... that sorta explains the drinking.. because when I quit drinking the week before my period I actually CRAVE alcohol... that is when I normally check my calendar and can just say AH HA!! And know that is what is going on.

SO what I guess is I have only been on the lithium for 2 weeks , so I can't expect it to work yet. I know I am addicted to alcohol, and I know if I continue to drink with or without this medicine I will die, and I wonder how much of my mood is controlled by my Menstrual cycle?

I need some serious therapy... but I do not know if the guy I have been seeing for 15 yrs is the one I need to see.... I do not see him often because I feel like the sessions are a waste of time. He tells me I am fine, I am great, I am fantastic and that I am right. He never disagrees with me. Those would all be nice qualities in a husband ( LOL!) but I need someone who can see through my Bullshit and you would think he would know me by now... if I have a problem.. it will take 3 or 4 sessions for me to talk about it. Because I am going to try to fix it myself first.

I liked that psychiatrist I saw that time at the hospital but, noone else likes her.... they call her the Thorazine Queen... but I do not think I would have to take Thorazine if I didn't want to.. I just liked the way she talked to me.. she would ask me how I came to that conclusion, why I feel that way and tell me if it was rational thinking or not... she didn't just tell me I am right to feel that way.... does that make sense?

I do not plan on drinking TODAY and that is all I can say.... However I feel if I continue drinking I should get off the lithium... but if the lithium works I may not have the need to drink.. does that make sense?

My Ex-daughter and I have had some communication the past week and it did not go well. The anger that I haven't felt for a long time came back. I just wanted to slap her in her disrespectful, smart mouth. I do not intend on speaking to her again. Perhaps one day.. if she grows up and learns how to talk to a person.. but as long as she insists on treating me worse than a dog.. I do not need her in my life.. or I will hurt her one day.

YES>>> I KNOW>>> this post is all over the place. I do not think I am manic.. This is just how I think... I think one thought and then another.

Now that I know it is PMS.. I am not worried about being depressed. I thought I was getting depressed.. but now I know.

And I hope I didn't mess up the Lithium too bad...

Really just talking I guess.. but if this makes sense and anybody has anything to say...

Gabby

[John Rutledge]

deleted ....

Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge

[JustTrying]

I really do not think I can stop drinking. I do not even know why I drink.

My rational, sane mind knows that if I do not quit drinking and do not stay on my meds... that at the least I am going to loose my husband.. at the worst I am going to loose my life........ BUT>>> the not so sane mind says... what a way to go!

I do not understand... when I went back on meds about 2 months ago... I was desperate to live. I wanted sooooo much to have a life again... something I have not had for a long time.... BUT now all I want to do is sit in the house in my PJs and talk to noone on the phone.. I do get on the internet but I have quit talking alot on it too... I have started posting more here though .. don't know about that either... I do not want to go anywhere... and I don't unless I have to. I try to be "normal" on the weekends when my husband is home.. but I can't wait for him to leave so I can go back to bed.

I do not really want to die... however what am I living for? To feed the dogs? I have a few friends left... they are real friends or they would have left like everyone else.

Just the thought of an AA meeting makes me want to drink.... Not the AA part... the going to the meeting part... being around people... although I KNOW J and a few others... are always happy to see me.. I have even quit calling them.... They won't call here because of problems in the past with my husband. Besides, I wouldn't answer the phone anyway.

I guess I just need to sit down with myself and decide what I am going to do. I can't take the meds AND drink... it has to be one or the other.

Drinking means.... suicide attempts... or actually succeding... anger fits... dangerous driving.... mental hospitals and most likely jail....... and I do not say that because AA says that I say that because it is fact.

Meds.. mean ( hopefully) No suicide, no cutting, one day being able to think straight...getting my life back.....

OK .. so why is it sooo hard to choose?

Gabs

[Guest existindeath]

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Edited November 7, 2009 by existindeath

[JustTrying]

Alcohol to me USE to be a blast to.. a real upper... I could go for days and laugh and have fun... But now it feels good for maybe the first few and then BAM... some kind of depression or anger sets in. I black out most of the time, rarely get a hangover just wake up wanting more...

Like I said I do not even know why I drink. It is not "fun" anymore. Maybe I do it for the blackouts.. I may be thinking about things but I couldn't tell you what. I guess alcohol is just the "easy" way out. ( not really)

I haven't drank for a few days and am taking the meds.

That is like my husband, he is sick this weekend... I know he can't help that. But I might as well be here alone. And it is that way alot when he is not sick. Oh we Love each other and all that... but we have just gotten so far apart. It is like we live to diffrent lives. I am suppose to one day.. move to where he works. It would be nice ( maybe not all the time!! LOL) But to have someone to cook for and clean for etc... you know have my "normal " life back. He has worked out of town most of our marriage.

BUT anyway... feeling better today....

Gabby

[Guest existindeath]

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Edited November 7, 2009 by existindeath

[JustTrying]

I have been married 20 years.... I have took care of him too.... He has had his issues. Plus he is 15 yrs older than me and has some health issues.

BUT to be honest.... I guess things really started falling apart when I went back to drinking Heavy. All though I didn't realize it at the time and he is just now accepting it... I had mental issues a long time ago.. and you can imagine what the drinking done to that... It sure didn't help.

I am going to guess I went back to drinking heavy about 5 yrs ago. I made a decision that is what I wanted to do and I enjoyed it.. the hell with everyone else. THEY had all said the Hell with me for years. ( We raised 3 kids together... the last one moved out around 6 yrs ago.) I worked, I busted my ass, I kept the house, did the cooking, the yard work. etc,... and they rode 3 wheelers went fishing and made fun of me.

I lost my husband when we got the kids... I hate to say that but it is true. WE use to do everything together... even worked together.

The past year,... we have had some close moments. Weekends that we actually laughed together and I remembered why I fell in love with him. And he told me he enjoyed spending time with me... he does not talk like that.

The kids and I do not get along and they talk about my husband like he is shit... so they are out of my life... and I say GOOD! I gave up 15 yrs of my life for them... ( yep anger there..) We were building a house and lost that so that we could raise these kids .. and what do we get??? We didn't have a lot of money and I guess we were sorta strick.. but my parents and my husbands were too.... sorry you are NOT going to drink and have sex at 16 ... not living in my house.. so anyway they are gone.. maybe one day things will be diffrent but I doubt it.

As far as moving with him... it is part of his job payment... that we were suppose to be supplied with at place to live... THAT was over 2 yrs ago. I amfixing to raise HELL... because if I had known I would not be living there by now I would have talked him out of taking that job. I suppose he wants me up there... heck it would be nice to have a hot meal every now and then I would think.. but he doesn't seem to push the issue too much.

I KNOW I do not need to be alone. When he is around I am a lot saner. And when I do start acting strange he points it out to me. It is hard to take an overdose or cut yourself when there is someone in the next room.. not like you can just shut the door and have privacy. He also keeps up with my meds which is a big issue for me... I forget ... I have my cell phone set and I have the am.. pm pill box... but still sometimes I forget. I have called him before and said I am going to cut... but what can he do from 2 hrs away??? And I did.. and then I wore pants or long sleeve shirts until they heeled.. We have never discussed it.

I know he needs me... I have tried to get him to leave before. I have been horrible to him.. did not feel I deserved anyone.. and yet he stayed. And of course I need him...

Perhaps that is why in a way I am angry at him and at me.. because I need him and he is not here... then I feel bad about feeling that way because he is just working. Trying to make a life for us.

I also do not drink around him.... I have a tendancy to get violent with him when I drink and bring up past issues that I would never bring up sober... Plus I disasociate and relive past tramas. When he did live at home... If I just HAD to drink I would go get a motel room for a few days and call him and let him know where I was. He would leave me alone... and call and check on me the next day.

When I became alcohol dependant ... or I noticed it I guess I should say.. was when I decided to quit drinking and get back on the meds... That was about 2 months ago... When I could not get up in the morning and drink a cup of coffee because my hands were shaking too bad... and then if I did not drink.. I shook all over all day... I had to GAG down a few beers to just function... sometimes throwing up several times before I could get enough down... well I THOUGHT I had had enough. He did not see and does not know about any of this.... He knew I didn't feel good on the wekends and he assumed it was the drinking .. but he never saw it get bad....

IT ALL SHOULD BE SO SIMPLE!!! Just do not drink! And take my meds.. what is so hard about that???

Why am I siting here right now trying to decide If I will have enough money to buy beer tomorrow? I have my doctor to pay for and I have to buy Pocket insulin strips.. because she is sick and won't eat so I have to check her glucose level before I give her a shot or she will die.

I ran across some antabuse... in a draw ... they are outdated.. but I am still thinking of taking them.I do not like antabuse because Mouth wash etc... breaks you out.. BUT if it keeps me from drinking THIS week... then maybe I can get the thought out of my head.

I have sooo many things to do.. I cannot keep sitting around here drunk... I am not dependant on it at the moment but all it would take would be a few days and BAM>>>>

I doubt any of this made sense... but what the hey! It felt good to type it!

I know noone can wave a magic wand.. and that I have to do this myself... Thought about rehab... but I have 13 dogs.. and Pocket is sick...

I WILL work this out.... it may take a little more time... but I want to live and I want to be as sane as I can be....

ME

[JustTrying]

Didn't drink today!!! I am sooo happy! It was not easy. But I made it! I had about 3 hrs sleep last night... Pocket needs to be fed every two hours and I have to check her sugar... Can't or won't do that drunk...

I cannot get any rest though... I fall asleep and then I get woke up by the alarm in the middle of vivd dreams... some bad... some just weird.. Like my face is covered with pimples and I am talking to this strange man????? Seems so real almost makes you want to go look in the mirror and see if it was a memory or for real... ( I have no pimples.. so it was a dream!)

May be the Lithium... I have had some hallucinations since I started taking it. Again things I would have to check and make sure they did not happen. I need a good manic episode right now.. so I can stay up for a few days and not be tired. Go Thursday to see about the blood test for the Lithium... To see if we need to up it or not..

Handled myself pretty well in a Chat room today... Someone was in a bad mood... I wasn't in the greatest mood... but she jumped me .. I said I do not need this and left.... Normally I would have cussed her out... Probiably because I was just to tired to deal with her today.... I hope her mood changes or she leaves me alone.. or I will let her have it. Everyone is intitled to a bad day.

Well, gotta go check the baby.... Later JT

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi JustTrying,

It is great that you did not drink today. It would be best if you could get off alcohol completely because it only worsens Bipolar symptoms. By the way, the very last thing you need is to be so manic that you stay up all night.

You need to see your psychiatrist about the lithium and the nightmares. Don't just wait for the lab results.

Allan:)

[JustTrying]

I cannot talk to HER about the dreams... I just started looking at her as beng a human being... I am 39 she is 27.... She thinks she knows more than me because she has been to school.... I lived it I know more....... me and her have not got along for years .. SHE tried to have me committed.... I knew people higher up than she did... didn't happen... I am NOT CRAZY>>>>>>

JT

[JustTrying]

My oldest boy is 27.. Yeah they are adopted... my youngest is 25... Sorry.. think I know a little bit more.. don't matter how many books you study....

JT (aka Gabby)

[JustTrying]

I am sorry.. thought I told you all about Mom Keith dying... forgive me... I am not right right now.

[Mark]

JT,

Lithium is a serious medication - it can do some really good things for people who would otherwise have very chaotic lives - but it comes at a cost. The therapeutic levels for this drug are close to the toxic levels and even coma/lethality is possible if you OD on the stuff. Which means that there isn't a lot of margin of error for dosing the stuff. That is why they need to do frequent blood tests and frequent dose adjustments to keep you safe. When you drink you are messing with your liver - the liver can only process so much stuff at once and if you put two loads on it at once (e.g., lithium and alcohol both) that will slow down the rate of metabolism which will have the effect of artificially raising up your blood levels of the stuff. Or maybe not. I'm not an expert on the chemistry of lithium metabolism, but what I've just outlined is at least plausible for why it could be a problem. The take home is that if you mix the drugs, you can make things worse for yourself.

You are someone who is a frequent and habitual drinker, and you have cravings for alcohol, right? Cravings aren't something you think about thoughtfully, they are something that just cause you pain and you take steps to reduce the pain. It's the reptile part of the brain that governs that sort of behavior, and the thinking part of your brain can interfere and override, but only with great effort.

Here is my point: If you really think you cannot stop drinking (and be realistic about this) you need to tell your psychiatrist that fact ASAP, so she can either adjust your lithium accordingly, or put you on something safer (if less effective when properly dosed).

[JustTrying]

Got an appointment with the NEW doc today... Tabitha .. I do not know what happend but she is no longer there....

I do not know what to do... I tell myself I will not drink... Heck I do not even like it... But most likely I will. I have just about given up quiting and am trying to limit myself. I am having to force myself to go to this appointment and still am not sure I am going to go. I am sitting here shaking at the idea of having to talk to someone new.

I want this med to work... I want to be "normal". But then again maybe I am not that bad. I mean I have been under a lot of stress. Perhaps that is part of it. I think I drink to escape. I do not have physical cravings.. BUT I want it sooo bad... Mentally.. do you know what I am talking about? Only another drinker or ex drinker would understand that.

I do buy some Xanex from a person and it does the same for me... I take that little blue pill and in 45 min to an hour I am asleep.. wake up all calm and didn't do anything stupid... But I only get about 20 a year and rarely take them. OTC sleep meds do not work for me.

I spent a lot of this week in bed. Not really sleeping but no energy to do anything. Do not want to think etc.

Dang it I think I need to find a good therapist....

JT

Will let you know how I handled the doc... think I am going.... pretty sure... Use to I wouldn't but I do want to get better.... will I pretend I am not drinking?? Or will I tell the truth... ??? Don't know yet... I hope she is easy to talk to....

[JustTrying]

Well I went to the Doc... I am not sure what I think.. she has been doing this type of thing for 15 yrs.. She seemed nice .. but I am not sure if it was her first day at this place or what.. she seemed overwhelmed and lost.

She was running 2 hrs behind.. and then they did not have my blood tests.. had to get them from the hospital.. that was the reason for the appointment.

Some will know what I am talking about.. there is a "window" for Lithium.. I do not remember the numbers.. but I am right at the Low end of the window. She didn't want to up it.. because that would mean more blood tests and another $500.00..... I also asked her about something for anxiety and to help me sleep.. something to take as NEEDED .. not every day.. she suggested Trazadone ( I think that made me a Zombie) so we went with Visteral... It is an antahistamine?? I ran to the Benadryl box and it is not the same thing... DO not know if it helps anxiety or not but it did help me sleep last night.

She did not ask about drinking.. however I did tell her that I take an occasional Xanex .. but since they do not prescribe that I would like something simular.

I start the "Ability Works" Program Tuesday... 8:30 am till 2 pm.. should be home by 3. It is a training thing that helps you to get a job. Perhaps by having somewhere to go I wil not drink. I cannot drink and get up at 6 am.... which I have too if I want to leave the house by 8 am.. Gotta have my coffee!!! SOOOO perhaps this will work out. I do not have to do this .. but maybe it will not be too uncomfortable and perhaps they will not try to teach you how to brush your teeth or use a microwave.... Sorry but some of these "programs" tend to treat you like you are 5 yrs old...

Why am I thinking of a job.. when I am SUPPOSE to be moving soon?? Because I am not sure I want to move. Hubs has done nothing but make snide remarks and put me down for 2 weeks... talks to me like I am real stupid... Gives me that DUMB ASS look.... Yesterday when he was accussing me of letting the damn ice cream fall out of the freezer and melt and puting it back ( never happend!! But try to convince MR KNOW IT ALL OF THAT!!!!) I was in here on the computer.. all relaxed... by the time he got half way done.. it took ALL MY POWERS to not get a bat and beat him in the head!!!

I made the mistake of telling him I needed him 2 weeks ago... I showed weakness and now I am paying for it.... I am just sooo tired... I wanted to tell him to just leave... but I kept my mouth shut... Perhaps I would be better off alone....

Min wage is $6.55 I think.. I would have to cut down on some things.. but I think I could make it.... As of right this minute .... I want a divorce... I may change my mind .. but that is how I feel right now....

There is a post about Mental Abuse..... Most of my life I have been mentally abused... there are good times too... but I would much rather someone hit me.. bruises go away.. words hurt forever.....

JT