pregnancy and divorce

[stormsong07]

Hey guys. I'm a 26 year old soldier in the Army. I'm 7.5 months pregnant, and I'm getting a divorce after the baby is born.

I've been with my husband for 2.5 years now, and things had slowly been deteriorating, but I thought it was stuff we could work through. Last month, however, I discovered he'd cheated on me at least twice...once shortly before I got pregnant and one somewhat long-term fling while I was pregnant.

Despite this, I still care about him and still love him...though I don't think I'm *in* love with him anymore. We want to make this split as friendly as possible, not only because we value our friendship but also because of the baby.

We're still living together, though trying to see ourselves as a "friends with benefits" situation instead of a husband and wife. We agreed it was ok to talk to other people. Herein lies the problem for me. When I agreed to this, I didn't realize how quickly he would take to it or how much he would use it. He's always talking or texting other girls now. He goes outside for his conversations, knowing I don't want to hear them, but I feel like he's always on his damn phone, texting them. Just this week he's started going out on dates too. Just little stuff, a lunch here, a movie there, but still. He calls them baby and honey and tosses around the love word like it's nothing. And it's breaking my heart.

I know we're done. I know if we try to stay together we'll just end up hating each other. And I don't want that. I do want him to be happy. And I want him around to help me with this pregnancy and baby. But I didn't expect him to just be able to toss aside our 2.5 year relationship so fast and be ok with moving right along to the next girl or three. I sure as heck don't feel ready to start a new relationship. But it's tearing me apart to see him just move on like that. He knows it's making me really sad too. He just says, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" and I don't really have an answer. I don't want to stand in his way...but at the same time it's making me so depressed, sad, and jealous it's rediculous. I'm talking to other people too, but it's just as a friends thing, because if I don't find someone else to talk to while he's sitting across from me texting up a storm, I'm going to go crazy. I just feel so hurt and betrayed, and I want to move on and get over him, but it's so hard to do that while we still live together. And we don't have the money to afford him or I moving out anyway.

I just don't know what to do. I have days where I'm perfectly fine, and then I have days where I just have a major meltdown and bawl my eyes out. I try to smile and be strong, but it's just so hard. How do I let go when for God knows what reasons, I still love this man?

[Guest GingerSnap]

Is it possible that you make a deal that you just can't live with now? Were you maybe thinking that things would turn around and he wouldn't start "dating" etc.? Love but not in love - that initial bliss doesn't last throughout the entire marriage or at least I haven't seen it happen. You said that you were in the military so have you tried counseling? The military has a lot of programs and help to offer. Are you being as upfront with him as you are with us in your post? I just kind of get the feeling that you really wish this could turn around so if so, ask him if he is willing to work on this, get some counseling and see if you can make a go of it. He is asking you what you want him to do so tell him - maybe he needs to hear you say that you would like to work it out if that is how you feel. Surely he notices your reactions to his phone calls or maybe not. Before you divorce, make sure you feel the marriage is beyond hope so that you have no second thoughts later. When you divorce, you will see him for years to come as he has contact with your child or he may go off and never have any contact. I really think you need a third party to help you both express yourself. There should be some department, probably under Morale Support or words to the effect that could help you decide who can help you sort this out. There is also the chaplain and mental health services or, at least there used to be. Know your feelings and his also before ending the relationship.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Stormsong07,

Have you found any solution or liveable compromise with this guy?

If I were you what I would want and would want to tell him is to step up to the plate and be a father to this unborn child whether or not the two of you are together.

By the way, I don't know why you would want to continue to be with such an untrustworthy man? For the baby, yes, he should be available part of the time to be a father. After that, I would think you are better off without him. Anyway, that's just an opinion.

What about Gingersnaps suggestion that you try to get help from a third party, maybe, marriage therapist?

Allan