prettynlost Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Hi,Im very down and feel life is no longer worth living!Im waking up out of nightmare into another one...the reality of the past 4years of destruction...I feel Ive ruined my whole life Im 42years old female and have nothing to live for,only 4years ago I was the girl with everything,many friends,money,successful businesses and I believed I was pretty and still looked very young,now in that short time Im old/unattractive don't care about myself/lost all my friends/husband children,all my money and walking around in shock..Im a person I dont know or at all like nor does anyone else.....I dont know why exactly I went into "meltdown"and spend 4years doing everything to ruin my life...it is ruined I don't see any way out of this?Im ashamed,lonely and dont know where the girl Ive known all my life has gone or if she is still their?I guess in a way ruining my own life gave me some control over the feelings of powerlessness as i was being stalked by a person who;s intent was to ruin me and I did a lot for that person,then finding out those closest to me may of been involved?Anyway thats some of it,point is I just wish to die really I do.....Im worthless and have nothing to offer and believe 42years old is just too old to have nothing to offer the world....God am I better off dead,I cant see any hope for me!Thanks you for reading my funk,I just cant get out off...any advice would be gratefully received! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Verbally abused? Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Sorry to hear that you're feeling so down. Maybe if you try to focus on the first part of your screen name, Pretty. Eventually with alot of work, you can change lost to something more up like Newlyfound! Hang in there, I know it is tough. Take care of you. If you need to vent more, we are here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prettynlost Posted September 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Thanks for your thoughts,I never imagined life could get like this!I know Ive had a severe breakdown,its feels like this shouldn't of happened and that the whole thing has been totally senseless?I wonder if a person can really be destroyed?I admit although I had so much and was so happy with my life(I worked very hard to achieve it),there was one thing I never told anyone about due to embarrassment,I allowed a man(my husband of 14years)to beat me,control all my money,eventually I DID shamefully give up on me and life,I felt life to be pointless when he took everything from me,why bother planning saving,when he'd take it and survive on my hard work?When I realized he was also deceiving me I ruined everything,I just went into meltdown and didn't want him to take anymore...not very sensible or nice but I was angry....I feel Ive just gone to far in ruining myself and cant stop it as I cant face the reality of what Ive done...I fell like Ive no personality left nothingness and the world has turned against me!Ive no motivation and hate this person Ive become,its all so surreal,I want my life back minus someone trying to control my life,but Im feeling like I just cant go on or just survive each day like this anymore,Ive none left to turn too.....I wonder have I destroyed myself?And I hate the thought that this person has become me...I fear my confidence will never return...God I'm almost worth shooting! Cant believe Im so pathetic!Thanks for bearing with me!xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Hi prettynlost,In reading your description of the abusive relationship you were in with your husband I could certainly understand your despair. However, another thought kept going through my head: "The best revenge is success." If you continue to feel hopeless and lost, he wins, because it jusb becomes another way he beats you, albeit indirectly. What about not allowing that to happen? In your sense of shock from all of this trauma you keep thinking that your life is hopeless. I have seen people who felt just like you, come back from the depths of despair and rebuild their lives. Perhaps, maybe, you need to get really angry about the way you were treated instead of blaming yoursel.What do you think?Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prettynlost Posted September 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 "Perhaps, maybe, you need to get really angry about the way you were treated instead of blaming yourself" Makes a lot of sense,I guess that's exactly where Ive gone wrong with all my relationships,I blame myself totally,I guess I felt it was my choice to stay,however violence and living fearing it constantly can be confusing!I ve always used "success is the best revenge"and its worked well for me and I know I'm letting a lot of people and not just him win by doing this to myself,the problem is I do not fully understand why Im so determined to let them all win like this and in the most humiliating way,I'm ruining me all by myself,I did feel that if I was destroyed Id be left alone by him and others,they would loose interest in me,a foolish way to escape and be forgotten,however the reality is terrifying and it has gone on so long(I did hang in the relationship to try and leave with money and other material assets but that's gone),its almost like Ive become a "feeling sorry for myself"and total looser,I feel like who Ive been all my life till 4 years ago and the person now 2 different and ;'split" people altogether so much so my memory is frighteningly failing me,Ive lost reality or perhaps gained a new one that's an act or false reality that I just cant face its so bad.I'm so scarred this conduct is so ingrained I'll never "come back".I'm feeling constantly judged for someone I know I'm not.During all of this 4years ago my 18yr old daughter passed away,I do recall feeling such guilt(as the situation was complex and very tragic)about it and felt I had none to talk to,my way of dealing with it was to not allow myself to enjoy life or to live at all...that has been 4years worth of "conditioning".At 42 I fear so much I'll not be able to pull it together again and no longer feel I have anything left,its all very frightening and I guess I just don't know,its nice to have someone put reality to me,I agree its all pretty pathetic?Thanks again xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prettynlost Posted September 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Im sorry to keep venting this stuff tonight,I was getting pretty down,very down!Thank you so much for your thoughts.It was so reassuring to here others have also felt like this and rebuilt their lives.Writing here has also helped me make sense of all this,I did not cope well with my child's passing and circumstances related,triggered a horrible flashback that seemed to go on for a long time,even unconsciously reenacting in some ways something I had suppressed,on top of my husband and stalking.The flashback was to a situation long in my past where I felt totally powerless.I felt I would of coped in my own way through everything that was happening 4years ago,the stalking that went on for many years was the issue I didn't cope with as it triggered feelings of powerlessness and a breakdown of my personal boundary's.over the 4years my life has dissolved to nothing,im nothing I'm in shock,losing yourself,your self esteem/self respect/your credibility everywhere it is hard to know where to start.Its embarrassing I cant even match my clothing,Ive lost my judgment of everything!My head wont shut up accusing me of being horrible things and sleeping eating and basic stuff,I'm finding hard to mange!Ive done this all to myself and feel like I don't deserve help.I do feel better than I have in years having the opportunity to write stuff like this and be taken seriously and answered.Thanks so much for being here for me tonight.xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Verbally abused? Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 If you were abused in a relationship, you are NOT to blame! You can overcome this "funk" you are currently in! It will take time, that is usually the part most of us don't like. We don't mind so much the all the hard work sometimes, we are even better at coping with the pain than we are with "giving it time". It will work out, you can do it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GingerSnap Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Writing it down always helps and having someone listening, a definite bonus. I do wonder, what are the "positives"? What do you have going for you? Pretty is nice but fades with age but can be replaced by beautiful inside and out, seriously. Obviously you see a glimmer of hope because you ended up here, right? Sometimes, getting your life back, means not the old you, but the new you. I realized at 57, I can't get back the old me but I can become a better me armed with all of this knowledge and experience. So, you need to list the positive and everyone has something to build on. Then, you need to decide what you want, where you want to be and then develop a loose plan on how to get there and steps, but baby steps so you can easily accomplish them and feel a sense of hope and pride in doing so. If you manage a bigger step than you chartered for yourself, more to build your pride. And, I know that no one believes it but life does get better after 50 because you know yourself so, gee, you don't want to miss that. They say that 50 is the youth of old age, it's good and you'll love it as think how far you will have came by then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prettynlost Posted September 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Thanks so much.I feel so much stronger with all your support tonight and I really did need it!I think finally I realize that I should stop blaming myself what happened and the ways I dealt with it,even though I felt I knew better!My relationship lasted 14years,nearly all my adult life,I do feel robbed of my youth(he was a lot older than me) and all Ive worked for my whole life by him!I'm furious at myself for dealing with the situation in a far inferior way than what I was capable off,Never would I of allowed him to do what he did if he wasn't violent and that's hard to accept!i ruined my life to escape him,instead of making him leave and keeping my life.I'll be rebuilding from nothing literally,I guess I may be a lot older but I will never let anyone take so much away from me again!Thanks so much for all the support you have all given me!xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 prettynlost,I hope that your thanks to us does not mean that you are leaving us.Frankly, I'm concerned, as I said before, that you are furious at yourself and are convinced that your life is ruined. It does not have to be true if you do not want that to be true. In other words, consider it a learning experience, albeit a bitter one, but, still, a learning experience. We become stronger from all that we have to cope with. look to now and the future, not the past.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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