Recycle Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 Hi all,I am starting to realize/believe that I have trouble respecting the feelings of others *that are close to me*. I have worked through many issues in therapy over the last 8 years with various therapists (co-dependence, self-esteem, GAD) and feel like I've made a lot of progress, however, feedback I've received from a few people close to me is concerning. More specifically, my partner of 4 years tells me (more than would just be attributed to usual disputes) that she's sick of me not being able to respect her feelings. This could be anything from her choice in a restaurant to feelings about having/adopting children. What really "messes me up" (confuses me) about this feedback and the self-introspection I've done as a result is that I can come up with many, many other times where I have been completely supportive and understanding of her feelings and have been appreciated for such actions. So, is this a relationship communication issue, or sometime else that's "just me"?Just some background on me:I am an only child raised by an overly protective and mostly permissive (emotionally) mother. Although she tried her best and was a great Mom that provided for me with many happy times and lessons, her agoraphobia, panic disorder and the fact that my Dad left when I was 7 put enough a lot skew on how I viewed relationships. I became her emotional caretaker and at a young age I learned (through reading and dealing with her anxiety) not to make mistakes or bad choices, even though she never intended me to take on this role. On top of it, I was extremely shy (perhaps my way of expressing mistrust) and anxious myself. It took me many, many years to separate (emancipate) from my mother emotionally and was met with much resistance from her. So, my self-identity was not my own for a very, very long time. Now, at 34, I'm struggling to get to know me better (and express what I know about me without fear) AND be a loving/understanding partner to the one I love. Lots of times, in my mind, I feel like a teenager craving rebellion and self-exploration. But, I have a career, household and relationships to maintain with friends, family and my partner. I don't feel stuck in any of my relationships, just unable to focus on them in the way I'd like to because I feel like I'm so behind in finding myself. And maybe that's just it - I'm so tired of worrying/caring/thinking about everyone else's feelings first. And, it's not that I don't CARE about others' feelings, it's more that I'm so SICK of doing so excessively that it feel goods not to care...and maybe I just haven't learned when that is most appropriate?I'm not in therapy right now, after 3 failed attempts to find the "right" therapist again. I feel like none of them believe me...I feel broken but don't look or act like it on the outside.Thanks for reading,Recycle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted September 7, 2011 Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 I feel like none of them believe me...I feel broken but don't look or act like it on the outside.Wow Recycle - I feel the same way, and I think I've gone through some similar thoughts on how much I give, and how much I should be giving, and whether I should be giving more... or less. For a long time, I gave too much. And now, like a rubberband, I think I give too little.Sooo... with regards to your situation though, just because someone says something like that, doesn't make it true - it's just true in your partner's experience of the world and where she's at right now. That doesn't mean that you should ignore it - but I think you should define for yourself whether you think it is true or not... and then, talk with her to decide ways to help her get what she needs, while explaining to her your thoughts on it all. I guess I'm saying, that it may or may not be true, but you can address the behaviors either way. You know? Did this help at all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recycle Posted September 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2011 That does make sense, Moxie. Easier said than done, of course, but it makes sense. I am with someone, though, that is mostly annoyed by people who can't generate thier own happiness. I have a rough time with that since I have wrapped my happiness up for so long with the happiness of others as a condition of my own. Sometimes i think there is someone out there for me thar wouldnt be so annoyed with that...but other times i just think shes the healthy one and ive got work to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaneE Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 Yeah it's tough. I'm in a similar circumstance myself and have been told similar things. But my husband can be very verbally abusive of me so I feel if I'm not overly attentive to his feelings that its because I tend to hold back with him. But one thing he often says about me is "there's something missing" and it's true I'm not like other people. The only advice I really have is that you be very honest with your wife about everything and you should perhaps not rush into having kids??? They are wonderful, but do make life and marriage tougher for all kinds of reasons. Adopting can be especially difficult because the babies have emotional problems from being taken from their mothers. My mom was adopted so I read about this stuff... You seem very cognizant to me, and self aware! I'm glad you had therapy and that it's helped you so far along. I wish I knew a magic cure for the relationship woes. I have these too. I feel I and my spouse are just too different to really work together. Anyway, good luck with everything!Jane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaneE Posted September 11, 2011 Report Share Posted September 11, 2011 Oh! I forgot to say that you don't strike me at all as a Narcissist or Sociopathic type that can't respect others' feelings!!! These kinds of people are not generally all that shy or anxious and definitely don't seek therapy!!! They think they're wonderful just as they are, in fact they consider themselves superior!! I don't get any kind of vibe like that from you.Jane Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recycle Posted September 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2011 Jane, thank you so much for your input. Your obsetvations made me feel more self-assured! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crisscrossed Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 sorry to be slightly off topic and not to be "that guy" but as both a narcissist and someone suffering from sociopathy Jane i think you're misinterpreting the narcissistic and sociopathic "superiority complex", many narcissists and sociopaths suffer from anxiety and intense shyness (personally, I'm not shy, but anxious, you betcha).there's a lot of focus on self image with narcissists, they easily receive "narcissistic scarring" from other non-narcissistic types who offend them (even by mistake).and tonnes of us seek therapy, i've been in therapy for years now and i'm only 19. trust me, it ain't easily being a normal guy with these conditions, of course we want help, its just difficult not to sabotage the help we get. impulses and all that.anyway, just wanted to say what i had to say.all done...haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted September 16, 2011 Report Share Posted September 16, 2011 Hi Crisscrossed,At 19 how can you possibly know that you are a narcissistic and sociopath?Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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