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lost angry sad upset but mostly feeling like an idiot


dorothy
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I am very upset right now.

I have so many things to do that I can't imagine how they will all get done. I would like to find a cave and hibernate until all this blows over... it's like... all I want to do is sleep, but I don't want to go to sleep because that means that tomorrow will come.

And my professor does hate me, because instead of replying to my email begging to meet with him he sent a mass email out to the class with some stupid joke.

I know it's not his fault... but sometimes I just feel like... why do I have to sit on a computer crying and writing some ridiculous blog on a mental help website? Is this it??? REALLY?

I feel like the biggest loser in the world, and maybe I should, because instead of doing anything I should be doing I'm doing this... THIS. that serves no purpose for me except the stressful hopeful checking of a thread to see if someone replies... but so what if they do? what does that change??? who am I kidding when I say doing this makes me feel better, because it's not me. I just wanted to take a step in a positive direction but this isn't any sort of step... it's some pathetic excuse for me to feel like I'm reaching out to people... or opening up to people.. but you can't open up to people you don't even know.

even an anonymity I can't help but be somebody that I'm probably not. it's like putting on this person is the same as putting on a scarf when I'm headed out the door... I don't even think about it.... it's just... if it's cold, you put on a scarf, and if I'm going to communicate with people, I'll just adopt some calm controlled demeanor.

well... I really don't feel okay. I feel like I would give anything to sleep for a good month, or hit the pause button. I've been drinking more again and using some cold medicine to fall asleep for a week.. and I think I've finally become immune because I'm not f-ing sleepy and I should be by now.

I don't care about writing a paper on Hume's view of natural beauty vs. artistic beauty, and if they want a philosophy paper, how about this?

How can anyone wake up in the morning and think.. oh, this is good. This is a good idea, getting up in the morning. Does anyone wake up, really, and feel satisfied with life? Are we not all getting a very serious short end of the stick? Because I'm just not seeing the point, and I just don't understand how so many people all over the world are getting out of bed every morning.

So maybe that makes me weak, just like hitting the post button makes me feel pathetic, because I should have just spent the 200 fucking dollars it costs to see the psychiatrist instead of joining this community with some pathetic idea that being able to do this was going to change anything.

I want you to know I'm not knocking this... and I think it's great, and a really important thing... but it's just not for me.. because all this does is give me a place to whine and that doesn't accomplish anything except making me feel like an idiot. And who knows if I even have a problem? WHO KNOWS IF I EVEN BELONG HERE??? REALLY??????

Psychiatrist are so quick to slap a diagnosis on everyone it's impossible to tell... even when I was in the hospital I remember being really upset, and doing nothing but crying for the first couple of days... but the next day I decided I wasn't going to do that... because if I did they would never let me leave... so instead I decided that I would suck it up and smile and joke and have a good time with the doctors... really turn on the charm, ya know? but all they said was that it was proof that I was bipolar.. because of some mood switch that I DECIDED, that I CHOSE TO CHANGE.

So who knows??????

I am miserable, and I want to sleep but I'm terrified for my alarm to go off, because that means I have to go to work and smile and chat and pretend like everything is great and under control when what I'd like to do is throw this laptop across the room and hit myself in the head with a hammer so I can sleep.

I'm not looking for an answer... I don't really know what I'm looking for at this point.

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That's clear from what you've written and how you've written it.

Don't self medicate, it can lead to further problems. I know all about putting on that mask and facing the world. I don't know if your bipolar or not.

Maybe you could tell us how you got to this point? How did you end up in hospital?

Listening consistently, Kali.

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I feel like the biggest loser in the world, and maybe I should, because instead of doing anything I should be doing I'm doing this... THIS. that serves no purpose for me except the stressful hopeful checking of a thread to see if someone replies... but so what if they do? what does that change??? who am I kidding when I say doing this makes me feel better, because it's not me. I just wanted to take a step in a positive direction but this isn't any sort of step... it's some pathetic excuse for me to feel like I'm reaching out to people... or opening up to people.. but you can't open up to people you don't even know.

I don't care about writing a paper on Hume's view of natural beauty vs. artistic beauty, and if they want a philosophy paper, how about this?

How can anyone wake up in the morning and think.. oh, this is good. This is a good idea, getting up in the morning. Does anyone wake up, really, and feel satisfied with life? Are we not all getting a very serious short end of the stick? Because I'm just not seeing the point, and I just don't understand how so many people all over the world are getting out of bed every morning.

So maybe that makes me weak, just like hitting the post button makes me feel pathetic, because I should have just spent the 200 fucking dollars it costs to see the psychiatrist instead of joining this community with some pathetic idea that being able to do this was going to change anything.

I'm not looking for an answer... I don't really know what I'm looking for at this point.

Your words struck me. Hit me like a truck without any care for where I'm standing. I understand exactly what you are saying. I've been there at my points in my life. We look for something because we can't look for nothing.

But something doesn't work. That bear, that gripping teeth, doesn't let up. Everything is pointless, but "nothing" does matter. We need others that understand. Not some doctor to claim "expertise".

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Hi Dorothy, it is good to hear from you. But, as I mentioned before, please do not be overly harsh when you criticize yourself. You are experiencing a good deal of stress and I commend you for sharing your thoughts.

It seems that you may be ashamed of looking for support on the forums, and that being here somehow means you are in some way weak. But, you are not weak. If you indeed feel ashamed, this may be due to the culture with which you were raised in because North American culture typically focuses on individuality. The general idea that individuality is synonymous with strength, and that people do not need help from others, does not make sense as the mere distinction of the individual also involves recognition of the collective. So, while this may not be very reassuring at the moment, you, I, and the other members of this community exist in the context of some sort of collective. There is nothing weak or strong, or good or bad, or smart or stupid, about being a part of this particular community; and, I assure you that you are very welcome in this community even if you feel you do not belong here.

I agree with you that people put on different "hats" for different situations because everyone has different areas of responsibility. We each have personal areas of responsibility in our finances, health, community, personal development, family, and more. In order to fulfill these areas and roles, we adopt a set of behaviours that are the most effective. So, as you say, if you are going to communicate with people, you adopt a calm, controlled demeanor. This is an effective way to ensure other people receive what you are trying to tell them. Yet, by recognizing these areas and behaviours, this does not mean that people pretend to be something they are not. Each person represents all of their areas together. Having areas of responsibility does not mean that members of this community are somehow fake, nor does it diminish the value of their ideas.

However, these areas of responsibility do not require you to pretend like everything is great all the time. You have a responsibility to yourself to take care of your health, and that means recognizing when you need to seek help from others. Thus, you have taken a positive step just by sharing your thoughts with us because there are members who can understand where you are coming from, and who can offer their support.

About your professor, it is still a bit of a jump to say he hates you. According to your post, you say your professor hates you because, rather than reply to your email requesting a meeting, he sent an email with a joke. Certainly this may be cause for concern as you need to follow up your request for a meeting at some point, but there is no more information to infer how your professor feels towards you or anyone else. I understand that you have great respect for your professor, but I feel it is necessary to emphasize that you may not be in the best position - as one of his students - to decipher what your professor thinks of you beyond what he actually says about you.

I agree with Kalima, please do not self-medicate. The alcohol and the cold-medication may produce some short-term results, but they are unsustainable strategies for the long-run. Meeting your basic needs, like eating well and getting enough sleep without the alcohol and the cold-medication, will enable you to make it through this rough patch.

Edited by kaudio
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So I can't figure out how to quote, which I'd planned on doing, but I guess instead I just have to give a general reply.

First of all, I'm very embarrassed. I had decided not to come back, but I'm very glad I did. I'm eating my words because these replies made me feel extremely comforted. I can't explain why but they just felt very honest, and I wanted to say how much I appreciated it. If I in any way insulted the forum I want to extend my sincere apologies, because I do think places like this are important, and they create a source of comfort for people who can understand one another and express their emotions in a way that 'real life' interactions don't always allow. My state of mind at the time when I wrote that was less sensitive to what I was saying, or how that might affect anyone.

Kalima- well, I ended up in the hospital because I had a minor suicide attempt. It was a failure, clearly (I love what Kate Jamison says in An Unquiet Mind about suicide, that it's failed when you don't succeed, but how bizarre that sounds), but I think that may have had more to do with the medication I was on, Lexapro, which they now see may cause suicide in those under 18 (I was 17 at the time, 23 now). I don't know if I'll ever believe with a whole heart that I'm bipolar, but at this point it's clear that my answers are not going to be found within my own mind. As much as I might hate it I need to see a professional. And Thank You for telling me I'm not an idiot!

lostinoblivion- I think your reply disproves my point in this thread, because hearing that someone else knows exactly what you mean is precisely why this place is comforting. Thank you.

existindeath- "Closing note: Being miserable everyday is not right and its not good and you already know that.... or lets say feeling that way always is not right." ... YES. And maybe you should stick around too, because honestly, what have we got to lose? Besides our internet dignity, something I'm not sure exists.

Kaudio- just hearing that it's good to hear from me is helpful in many ways. About that professor, I am being ridiculous and extremely self absorbed to think that he has some vendetta against me. My hesitation to talk with him in any way other than email is probably due to how extremely intimidated I am. He is clearly brilliant, and I might be reflecting my own fears that I'm not "smart" enough, on him. I think I saw his lack of response as validation that I do not belong in his class (as if he felt like, why bother with this one?). I think I know I've grown a bit, because it was for reasons such as these that it took me so long to get where I am in school now. I think before I would have stopped going to class, but instead I'm just going to continue to do my best, forgo the meeting, and get the hell outta dodge in about a month. It's only one class that's in one of my minors, so it's not even a central course for me (am I rambling about this trying to convince myself that it's okay? maybe. I'm done.).

Anyway, thank you! and your reply to my blog thing (that was you, right?) was very helpful, because it makes me feel less like a crazy person to know that my idiosyncrasies are not mine alone.

So, I was wrong, and although I don't see myself posting rants like this past one very often, I think I'll stick around, because like I said, what have I got to lose? And maybe I'll swallow my pride once the semester is over and I have some time, and try to see someone again, because if for no other reason, I'm tired of wondering if things could be better. It's scary to think that what I'm experience might not be "normal", and with a simple pill a day the quality of my life could improve, and my potential could actually be realized... it's scary because what if I just never did anything? I read that without medication like 90% of people that are manic depressive commit suicide, and that my friends, is a scary percentage.

well, it's unfortunate that I wrote all this instead of the new paper I'm working on but oh well, Thanks you guys, I really appreciate it.

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When you have time, there is a small book I came across, Take a Nap! Change Your Life, by Sara Mednick, who shares her grad experience in Psychology (I think, I'll have to check), and the effects of taking a nap during the day. I strongly recommend the book because I believe her experience is shared amongst many students in general, and I am convinced that everyone can benefit from a quick nap.

Yes, I left the comment on your blog. Rationally, I knew I was not alone in my fears, but I never had a friendship at university that allowed me to share my concerns with candour. It may have been the work load, or my own maturity at the time, but whatever the case, I wish for you to know that you are definitely not alone in your experience. By writing about our concerns, they become a little more substantial. This allows both yourself and others to address them to some degree, and to take actual steps to a possible solution.

Best of luck with your paper!

Edited by kaudio
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dorothy - You are very right in the things that you say. You also seem to have your head on your shoulders pretty straight. That means a lot, especially considering that you are dealing with so much. Many people struggle to find true value in things, and they don't have such difficult struggles.

I also thought that posting on the internet was a waste of time and energy. Many people use it as a social outlet because it is easier. I think here it is an invaluable resource for people that need each other. It is very comforting to know that people deal with the same things that you do. It means something that people understand, when it seems like most times that others could not possibly relate.

All of you in this post seem very concerned and straight. I believe this will be a useful place.

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I will make that book my first "Christmas Break" read (the time of the year when I get to choose what I read). I read this thing about lack of sleep, and how the symptoms when you're missing sleep are often very easily mistaken for similar symptoms of varying emotional disorders. I don't do the nap thing, but ever since I developed a steadier sleeping pattern I have seen a real difference.

And thank you for luck on the paper! One got turned in, and four are moving along! Trying to stay positive!

and yes lost, don't they? I feel like there is a real concern here, and that's rare anywhere.

take care everyone

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