Not sure where to go from here.

[sonic23]

Not sure where to start with this. Well, I grew up with an alright childhood, nothing out of the ordinary except for somewhat verbal abuse from my father. Always did poorly in school but I'm starting over now and will hopefully do better. I have never been diagnosed with anything, nor seen anyone about any of my problems as I have such a huge fear and am not able to speak to others about anything so thought it would be nice to see what others have to say.

I've been a self harmer for a little over a year now. There was never any real reason for it, just some times I've felt so stressed out and had nothing else to do so resorted to it. I have an eating disorder, well I think I do. I go on days and days eating less than 200 calories until I'm around people who notice and I need to eat. I think I might also be depersonalised. I started noticing when I was around 13 (I'm 17 now). I've always felt weird in my own skin, I feel detached from myself all the time, I question everything, nothing feels real anymore. Because of it, I stay in my own little world most of the time. I also have mood swings all the time, any little thing will set me off. I'm extremely anxious over everything, clean all the time, keep everything organized and if I leave the house with one thing not set in it's place it will bother me the entire time gone. I'm extremely "scatter brained", I have no idea where I am or what I'm talking about most of the time. And I do not believe life has any purpose at all. I've thought about any possible way to kill myself over and over.

Another thing is I feel more attached to animals than anything in the world. I do have some close friends and family but I can relate to my animals so much more and I will lock myself in my house caring for my own for days at a time. What has been worrying me is I have thoughts sometimes about ways I can hurt or kill my own pets. I've never hurt them, I wouldn't ever be able to,but the thoughts of it scare me. I don't know what is wrong with me, I would just love to know if anyone can relate.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Sonic,

You certainly have quite a list of problems that make you feel bad.

Even though you say that you had an all right childhood, you've got me wondering about that? Some of the symptoms you describe are oftn connected to pretty bad traumas.

It really seems to me that, in addition to being her in the community, you should start seeing a therapist.

If you are fearful about going to appointments, perhaps a friend or family member could accompany you, at least the first couple of times.

Do you have friends and family you talk to and hang out with? Are there things you have to look forward to in life?

AllN

[sonic23]

Thank you for replying. It's hard for me to remember my childhood much but I know my dad has always been an extreme stress factor in my family and still is. He gets violent when he's upset and growing up with a brother with adhd never helped. I have some close friends I can talk to, and maybe my mother but she hasn't been around as much anymore. There has never been much to look forward to, I don't want a relationship or a family in the future and I know that, and I can't see myself having a life other than work in the future.