I'm finally ready to leave my husband!!

[JaneE]

Hi everyone,

You may know me from other postings around here, from when I've had crises of my own, pretty much all of them involving abuse by my husband.

I finally figured out something, that he has Narcissistic and/or Borderline tendencies, and that we don't actually have a relationship, never did, and never will.

I was with him for 12 years and I was becoming so tattered in my mind I was contemplating suicide. I've become so incredibly isolated and totally steeped in his world-view, particularly as regards me, my worth, etc. I have no close friends that aren't his, and no family of my own.

The thing that stops me from ending it all is I can't abandon my son to grow up without me. He's only 11. I'm not perfect, but I must be a good, responsible person. I've been so distracted from everything by this impossible relationship, I don't feel I've been as good a mother as I could have been, but I do think I was good. And I will be better, now.

I'm very scared, but I'm going to be buying some books to help me understand what he might do. Specifically, this one: http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.php

Everything right now is incredibly difficult, as our lives were so enmeshed. I'm going to need a job, and who will hire a 44 year old woman who hasn't worked outside the home in 13 years? Okay I've been self-employed... I hope that will suffice!! But I haven't worked in my old field (medical lab) in over a decade. But anyway. All I can do is my best, and hope for the best. I'm fit and look nice enough for a woman my age, so maybe I will be lucky.

I feel so bad that I had a baby with this man!! >_< That my child has Personality Disorder on BOTH sides of his heritage. But he seems to be overall, a pretty happy go lucky kid. I worry that he is bottling things up, though. I will keep an eye on him.

But anyway... what finally did it? Another bout of public humiliation. We Avoidants are socially anxious as it is, but to be exposed and shamed in public is excruciating torture. He does this almost every chance he gets, which is part of why I became so isolated. I cannot bear to be in social situations with him. This last episode was simply it. I just knew there is no hope.

Yes, I fantasize about finding a good man someday, but not right away, certainly. I need time to heal and grow a new self, or repair what's left of the old one before I have anything that'll be useful and responsive to another. It's natural to want this, it's human nature.

I'm going to try and find counselling, but so far the sliding scale clinics will not see me because I have a personality disorder. :-P I am going to make an appointment with my doctor soon and see what she has to say. I also need to be evaluated for ADD(pi).

So that's my big announcement!

I just wanted to thank everyone here who has responded to my threads and been so supportive over these past couple of years. I seriously would not have made it without you.

I'll likely need you again, and I hope to keep contributing as I can, also.

Jane