I can;t take it anymore

[WinterSky]

I am so freakin' angry right now! I am angry and weepy and just don't know what to do with my feelings! I feel soooooooooooo desperate!!! I made plans to go see my father today and I drove all the way over there and there is no sign of him! I waited and still no sign. Our GP had told me a few weeks ago that he has no signs of dementia, Alzheimer's, and is perfectly capable of handling his own affairs. I am so angry!! I have no support system.

I just called my therapist. We talked. I told her how I was feeling desperate and not knowing what to do with my feelings. I told her that I was either going to kill somebody or break down and cry. She took me seriously about the killing part for some reason and said if I went to the big house then I would really have a hard time getting in touch with my doctor and psychologist! :eek: I could imagine being a murder and being such a bad person, no one wanting to talk to you, people looking at you like you are evil and bad. The door shut forever by people, the world! Complete isolation and unreachable.

Oh god I hate myself!!!!!!!!!!

[confused12]

Hi WinterSky,

Sorry you feel this way right now, and I am not sure if I can help to much other than let you know I am listening and care. I could send you a private message but as you know it would be an hour before I could send the next.

Are you able to phone a crisis line? At least there would be someone you could talk to in real life and help you find a calm place.

Please try and find a constructive way to release your anger, murder is not constructive for anyone it just spreads the pain, which you know yourself is no fun to feel.

I am not sure of your physical status but could you try something like going for jog or run to release some physical tension. What about cleaning the bathroom with force. Or even keep writing expressing your thoughts on paper. Or if your able to sit, try and think of calm places you like to be and visualise yourself there doing a activity you enjoy doing.

Even remind yourself that this feeling will pass because it will and you know this. Don't pressure yourself into making rash decisions and try to think about the consequences before you act. Because when this feeling passes you may regret your choices.

Please take care of yourself, phone someone in real life. Try hard

Confused12

[WinterSky]

Hi WinterSky,

Sorry you feel this way right now, and I am not sure if I can help to much other than let you know I am listening and care. I could send you a private message but as you know it would be an hour before I could send the next.

Are you able to phone a crisis line? At least there would be someone you could talk to in real life and help you find a calm place.

Please try and find a constructive way to release your anger, murder is not constructive for anyone it just spreads the pain, which you know yourself is no fun to feel.

I am not sure of your physical status but could you try something like going for jog or run to release some physical tension. What about cleaning the bathroom with force. Or even keep writing expressing your thoughts on paper. Or if your able to sit, try and think of calm places you like to be and visualise yourself there doing a activity you enjoy doing.

Even remind yourself that this feeling will pass because it will and you know this. Don't pressure yourself into making rash decisions and try to think about the consequences before you act. Because when this feeling passes you may regret your choices.

Please take care of yourself, phone someone in real life. Try hard

Confused12

Hi confused, please know that I would never kill anyone. It was a form of an expression. I know many folks say they want to kill someone but really do not mean it. And people generally do not take them seriously. What I found disturbing was that my therapist, after all these years that I have known her, actually took me seriously about it. It turned my being inside out thinking about being in isolation where people don't want anything to do with you as if I had actually done something wrong. I found that very disturbing. I've had to deal with the death of my sister as if I were the one that was responsible for her death. I know very well what it feels like to be an outcast, or as a perceived outcast.

Yes I cried deeply and horribly and loudly, and at length. It was such a physical thing. I just laid on my bed with my arms open wide and just let it happen. It's difficult to know and understand why I have been feeling like this. My doctor finally called me back and we are increasing lamictal to twice the dose and taking more klonopin (the benzos). He wants to eliminate the paxil. The increase of the lamictal will finally bring it up to a theraputic dose. So perhaps things will be much better after that kicks in. Now the trick is how am I supposed to pay for the lamictal in December as I will reach the coverage gap in Medicare part D and will have to pay hundreds of dollars.

Very good advice, Confused. Thanks so much for the input. I do have some relaxing music I could listen to. I will light a scented candle also.

[appleby]

Hi Wintersky --

Just wanted to let you know that I read this --

Sorry things are feeling so tough for you right now. I'm glad the the P-doc called you back and you re figuring out what meds will help.

I don't know what to say about what to say about what to do when your benefit runs out and you have topay out of pocket -- maybe you could see if the pharmaceuceutical companies have "indigent" programs and if you qualify?

I'm glad you are doing things to help yourself -- listening to music and lighting the candle...

Appleby

[Guest existindeath]

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Edited November 7, 2009 by existindeath

[WinterSky]

But then again how old is your father? I mean he could have fallen somewhere and is injured besides he has dementia/ Alzheimer's. You know him better... has he ever done this before? He could have forgotten cause he's getting worse. These are all things that have to be considered before you fly off the deep end.

My father was on the 3rd floor of the place and was playing bingo. He was surprised I left so "soon" and only waited for 45 minutes. How rude!!! He apologized but I just was not ready to deal with that and ended the conversation. No, he does not have any signs of dementia or Alzheimer's. He is tip top shape for 88! It is remarkable.

[WinterSky]

Hi Wintersky --

Just wanted to let you know that I read this --

Sorry things are feeling so tough for you right now. I'm glad the the P-doc called you back and you re figuring out what meds will help.

I don't know what to say about what to say about what to do when your benefit runs out and you have topay out of pocket -- maybe you could see if the pharmaceuceutical companies have "indigent" programs and if you qualify?

I'm glad you are doing things to help yourself -- listening to music and lighting the candle...

Appleby

Thanks Appleby, I appreciate your kindness. My pdoc says that he has a coupon I could use. I TOLD HIM FROM THE VERY BEGINNING that I would run into the gap if he prescribed me the lamictal. But no, he wanted to try it anyways. grrr.. BUT next year my plan has the generic lamictal in their formulary and I get those for free. So that is good...

[confused12]

Oh WinterSky its nice to see people posting. I am so glad that you were also using a form of expression in your original post. I am relieved, I may have had a little transference and became cautious. I do believe your therapist was doing the therapist job though by examining your verbal expression of anger/rage and your intentions.

I am speaking from the confused surviving side of murder. Like your therapist I wanted for you to stop and think because I still don't know what it takes for a person to actually act out on angry murderous thoughts. (If I did know I am sure I would not have such an issue with anxiety).

I understand your isolation I am now an only child. The dynamics of my family have changed with in one murderous rage. My parents are also absent in there own pain, and are often unpredictable and unreliable. But I don't have them blaming me just me blaming me. I wish to some degree that I could be in touch with my anger like you. You are having a rough time but to me it sounds like you will more forward from this. You sound like you are processing stuff. It must be for a good purpose.

I identify with the outcast perception, but I am my own outcast, I think I am damaged, that I am always in the wrong. You provide me with hope that maybe some day I will be able to cry. To be able to let it happen and it just happen. You are amazing because you are doing what you need to do to get through the moment.

As for the medication good luck I do hope it provide you with some added relief. But hold on to your therapy, my experience is that I have moved further forward in 10 months of therapy than 5 years of medication. Getting the right balance of the two is essential and this provides me with hope.

Hope things keep improving

NB To everyone reading this post please do not respond to it. This is WinterSkys thread. The post is for WinterSky and I do not want to hijack this thread. Thank you for your understanding.

Take Care WinterSky

confused12

[Guest existindeath]

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Edited November 7, 2009 by existindeath

[WinterSky]

Oh WinterSky its nice to see people posting. I am so glad that you were also using a form of expression in your original post. I am relieved, I may have had a little transference and became cautious. I do believe your therapist was doing the therapist job though by examining your verbal expression of anger/rage and your intentions.

I am speaking from the confused surviving side of murder. Like your therapist I wanted for you to stop and think because I still don't know what it takes for a person to actually act out on angry murderous thoughts. (If I did know I am sure I would not have such an issue with anxiety).

I had no intentions, it was just something I said. I was not feeling homicidal at all, I felt more like cutting myself and getting my anger out that way. I'd hate to have done that because it would have left horrible lasting scars. I already have some scars from that. Any time I have ever wanted to hurt my father (and it is always my father that gets me started), I end up hurting myself instead. Like when I dropped out of HS on my 17th birthday... that was for him. And when I grew a pot plant in my room at 16, that was for him. And all the times I wanted to kill myself that was for him! I'd want to kill myself to hurt him. But in reality he would only win and I would lose because he would be alive and I'd be dead. But journaling has saved me many times from doing something like that. There'd be a lot of anger there and I'd turn it around in my writing as if he was not worth it. My therapist knows all of this and she apologized to me.

Who are you angry at confused? And if you say yourself, perhaps you actually mean someone else who should be to blame for whatever is making you feel bad? IMHO...

I understand your isolation I am now an only child. The dynamics of my family have changed with in one murderous rage. My parents are also absent in there own pain, and are often unpredictable and unreliable. But I don't have them blaming me just me blaming me. I wish to some degree that I could be in touch with my anger like you. You are having a rough time but to me it sounds like you will more forward from this. You sound like you are processing stuff. It must be for a good purpose.

You know the way I deal with my feelings is to crack jokes and make people laugh. When I went to the Diabetic Educator's meeting I had everyone laughing with everything I said. Diabetes is no laughing matter and so I should not have done that.

Also I typically do not get angry, and I laugh off stress. Or if I am really depressed then I daydream of another world. But daydreaming I have found can be either real good or real bad. But when I got depressed this time I got angry. My therapist said that the next time I get depressed, ask myself who I am angry at. Even if you are angry at yourself, perhaps acknowledging that could help. But also in the anger and emotional breakdown you can discover that you are not to blame, it is not your fault.

I had a pdoc tell me once, in comparison to the movie Platoon, that anger is fear, and depression is anger turned inward. I think ultimately that I am afraid of being isolated my entire life and that kind of suffering is the worst! And I was angry at all the people in my life who have disappointed me lately and my needs not being met.

I identify with the outcast perception, but I am my own outcast, I think I am damaged, that I am always in the wrong. You provide me with hope that maybe some day I will be able to cry. To be able to let it happen and it just happen. You are amazing because you are doing what you need to do to get through the moment.

Confused, I know you can get to the root of the problem, the anger. I used to think I was damaged, but later found out that I was just as normal as anyone else. Besides, what is normal anyways? And when I felt damaged, I healed. You can heal too.

Thank you Confused, I appreciate your post.

[WinterSky]

Oh well on the up side he was playing bingo and did not fall or have an accident.

Yea I was disappointed! :cool: No J/K.... What a horrible thing for me to say! But I didn't really mean it! I do love my dad. It did surprise me when he was nowhere to be found.

Its good that he is in such fine shape. I would just remind him next time you talk to him. Hey father did I ever make you wait for over 45 minutes...then he will probably say yes.. rattling off something you did in your youth... hehe or then again there will be nothing.

Well actually, for as long as I can remember, I have been on time unless there was a really good reason. If I'd be running late I'd call to let him know. I was always good to call before I would leave, and if running late I'd call. But these days I do run late, and I don't call. I guess it's been since over the last year or so, and I don't know why. I need to change my habits back to the way it was.

Thanks for your post.