disassociation... or something else?

[Celeste]

For the last few weeks I've been doing something where whenever I'm in a tough situation, or feeling low or disconnected or angry, I narrate my own actions and thoughts, complete with description, good diction, varied syntax, and figurative language such as similies. I think it's a way to make myself think less, because my thoughts often turn very negative and only make me depressed and suicidal. It's like I'm not part of what is going on and whatever I'm doing - rather, I'm an author telling the story after the fact, in past tense. Is this a coping mechanism of some sort? I saw that there was a discussion about disassociation, but I didn' know if that's what this was. I can see why I might have only recently begun it, as I have been struggling with quite a few things lately, and at the same time trying to do what I can to help a friend in more need than I am. If it helps, I tend to using writing as an outlet for my thoughts when they get overwhelming. Here's an example of almost exactly what I was thinking as this occurred just the other day.

" ... I ran the vacuum over and over the rug in an attempt to purge the old small spots that stained the creamy white like fallen teardrops that could not be forgotten. The carpet had been clean three minutes ago, but my arms continued to move the machine across the floor in long, smooth lines. He was still organizing the shoes by the door, carefully and purposefully, his eyes still looking damp and dark. I wasn't sure that he remembered that I was here. I hated the tortured begging that his eyes cried out when she did things like this to him, his cerulean irises sinking to a stormy blue... As I struggled with what I could do to help him, knowing that I only did not go hunt her down for this because it would hurt him further, a ... "

Any thoughts or advice?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Celeste,

This is a good coping mechanism and need not be related to dissociation in anyway. In fact, there is a type of psychotherapy called "Narrative Therapy" and you are doing it partially. The main idea behind Narrative Therapy (and I am not an expert) is that, now that you are adult, you can write a new role for yourself in the Stage Play called "Your Life." We cannot do that as children because others write our scripts for us. Now, as adults, we can write new scripts or roles for ourselves based on our needs and wants.

Celeste, great metaphor for cleaning the carpet.