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Schizoaffective disorder

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In 1997, when I was 25, I got clinical depressed after using seroxat for one year, boom next day I didnt stand up from bed and the next 9 months was horrible, I was mentally in pain, constantly lying in bed..not eating or anything. I got seroxat,then risperdal, plus I got trilafon, I was so sick and I felt sick from the trilafon too, then I got cipramil and started recover. To be able to be up from bed and function. They meant I would never be able to work in future or go to school and wanted to give me insurance money for good. I did show them different by going to school, but I have never been able to get into work. During the sick period they had to force me to eat at the hospital as I had not eaten for 1 week, I nearly collapsed at home. I got trilafon too because of I was having psychotic paranoia thinking my exh would find other people more attractive, people on tv and so.

This insecurity and fearfulness started after my first boyfriend commented the women in baywatch, that was the only reason why men looked at this program. After this my fear started. I am thinking that is is PTSD, but the social worker/specialists still say its a paranoid behavior, they gave me the diagnose paranoid jealousy type in 1998. Even I said to them yesterday that I thought it may be PTSD triggered by my first boyfriend, they still mean there is a reason why I have this paranoia. I can say that I have most of the symptoms of PTSD, I am on guard ( fear of the tv when in relationship ), if nudity shows up in some way, even innocent ways, my heart races, I cant think, I start to cry and feel I want to die and escape the situation, I am humiliated and feel shame, I get irritated and blame the man for looking...thinking for sure he likes what he see and that he is thinking sexual...which means I am not good enough.

The specialist say it is psychotic paranoia. Further she said I have schizoaffective disorder, I didnt know that and it scared me. I came home yesterday and read about this disorder on wikipedia and most of what was written about the disorder fits me. Only thing that doesnt fit is that I dont do weird things and I dont hear and see things thats not real and they cant see that I have the disorder. They mean I should get insurance money for good as I need it. Just like they meant I needed it in 1998.

My mother had schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder and was manic depressive too. She was hospitalized when I was 4 years old and she needed care all her adult life. She had distortions of reality and poor communication. My sister said once that my mother was having some jealousy when she was married to my father and thinking my father liked the neighboor women as she was walking around in bikini, so my mother did that too. But I am not sure how true it is. I loved her of all my heart, when she died a part of me died.

My fathers father was hospitalized too because he was sickly jealous.

My sister has some schizophrenia and you can see that she suffers and are sick, but mostly it shows when she is drinking.

My brother committed suicide at age 18.

I just feel I need someone to talk to about this as I didnt know I had the disorder. But I do see that I fit the symptoms.

They say this is why its hard for me when it comes to work and to absorb information and remember it, I am not independent in most work fields and feel afraid if left over by myself, its stopping me from finding work as I also have anxiety for customer contact. But only customer contact, not contact with other people. Even I tend to withdraw from social gatherings because of my lack of joy in life ( after I got sick ) and my depression. I feel melancholic and sad most of the time. Well, as I said I have most of the symptoms described on wikipedia.

I felt I needed to write because I felt I need to tell someone about this. I dont want to tell friends and people about this as I am afraid they will start look at me in another way:(

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  • 1 month later...

hey sadgreeneyes, don't worry about your diagnosis! You can definitely turn things around with it.

Some of the things you mentioned (like random strings of thought...ex. the tv) I can Totally relate to! I have weird thoughts all the time and it becomes really tiring to have the brain not shut down or stop thinking the weirdest things. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective too and all in all it's not too bad.

I don't see or hear things either (except one time that I think I had a hallucination) so most of the schizophrenia stuff I can't relate to. But, when I think about it, being on no meds puts me in a weird spot, where I have delusions and stuff. There's been times (more and more frequently) where I'll be thinking about something and become so engrossed in it that I don't realize how much time has passed or that I'm not even in reality so to speak.

Like your family I think my dad had schizophrenia too. He'd say and do weird things and nobody thought anything of it :P

Anyway, it helps to have someone to talk to. Keeping how you feel bottled up is awful so getting some support (like here!) is awesome. Welcome to the forum and I hope you feel less alone! ;)

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