Porn is making me Nervous!

[PCgurl]

I am scared for my relationship. My boyfriend seems to be driving by Porn of all types and sexy calender girls. I have been married before and i am not oppose to Porn or calender girls. I actually like it in moderation. I think its a fun way to spice things up. The problem comes with me feeling like he rather masturbate to porn than be with me. That is hurtful and upsetting. I understand if I away or he had the urge and I not there then go for it. But he will wait until I leave the house and do it. I am like why don't you use that energy to have a little fun with me. He also never tells me I am sexy or hot. its as if he is using me for a body when we do have sex. He does not care about my pleasure lately at all. I'm so confused. I am cute and sexy. I enjoy sex and rarely say no. I consider sex to be fun and enjoyable. I am also adventurous.

That is another story. He is not very adventurous. He is very closed mouth in bed and doesn't really try new things. I have to pursue new things. He will not evey say if he likes them or not. He might say yeah that was fun. Then nothing else. I try sexy bedroom outfits. He does partake and we have fun but then he will never elaborate on it.

Then back to sneaking the porn. Its humiliating and I just feel like I can't compete this that. What is a girl to do? My self esteem has dropped so bad in the past few years due to it.

[JustTrying]

Mark I realy wish you would handle this one!!!

I am assuming you are young??? All that BS you heard about SEX is just that BS... now there are some that have great sex lives.. but sex is not a big deal....

What is more important is the bond between a man and awoman.... In my opionon.. been married 20 yrs....

I am gonna shut up.... someone give her some good advice... my sex life ain't so great so I can't....

JT

[Mark]

well, this is more common than you might think. Many women write in to our main site about this sort of thing and report the same thing - they are willing partners but their men don't seem to be all that motivated. And they report that their self-confidence in themselves as desirable partners plummets. So - you aren't at all alone if it is any consolation.

Porn is kind of drug-like in some ways. it is a ready source of stimulation; you can dose yourself with it; it can be done in private and at your ultimate convenience; there is no witness and therefore no performance anxiety and no one else to think about pleasing. it is a very selfish form of sex (and I don't mean that in a judgmental way - it's just not a form of sex that is about communication or bonding - it's a form of sex about getting off.

A lot of men find porn compelling, sometimes more compelling than actual partnered sex, possibly for some of the reasons I've outlined above. Most men I've spoken to about this sort of thing say that they like a mixture of both sort of sex - selfish getting off sex (porn, etc.) and intimate emotional sex. Different guys like different blends. Some guys develop a more or less preference for only porn. If this is the case for your guy, this is not necessarily a reflection on you or your desirability. It would be more a statement about the sort of person you're partnered up with. This guy doesn't seem to be very emotionally available does he - not based on your description, and his style of sexually being with you is not at all out of place with that description. So maybe - stop looking at this as a personal failure of your sexyness, and start seeing it as a statement - yet another manifestation - of the way that your guy is motivated to be intimate (or not to be in this case) with you.

If you want to be in a relationship with someone who you can be intimate with, maybe this guy is not the greatest choice? And maybe nothing you can do can change that? It's not about you (his choice to masturbate over having partnered sex), I don't think is primarily what I'm saying; its probably more about him and what he is most comfortable with. And if you aren't comfortable, then you have to ask whether you two are all that compatible.

Edited November 12, 2008 by Mark

[Pseudonym]

I'm reminded of an episode of That 70s Show, where Donna finds porn under Eric's bed and becomes angry with him. She then cunsult their friends, asking them if they were in a relationship, whether or not they would look at porno. One of the characters Kelso replies "Hey, I had TWO girlfriends, AND some action on the side, and I still looked at thos magazines!"

The fact is, guys WILL look at porno. The more discouraged we are, the more we look at it (forbidden fruit complex). There's an old adage, paraphrased, it goes like this: 90% of men look at porno... and the rest lie. The fact is men look at porno for all sorts of reasons, almost none of them are sexual unhappiness, actually I find the more happy we are with our sex, the more we look at these materials because of the more sexually active we are. The fact he seems to be sneaking around your back can be because he might feel that you may be offended because he looks at this stuff, and he does not want you to know about it. Men notoriously like to be a savior of sorts, and try not to hurt the people we love. So if we feel that an action causes people hurt, but we wish not to stop it, we will hide it.

As for trying new things in bed. Men don't often react at first to trying new things. Typically we are so wrapped up in the fact that we're actually getting some to even consider trying new things. So the fact he doesn't react is probably because the sex is still new in his mind, and it has yet to become boring. With men it can take a while to become boring. And so often times we don't spice things up. Another possible reason is that he may have a fetish that out of embarrassment he has told you about. Again men hide things if we feel cannot be accepted or we will be shunned. Often times that is the reaction of fetishes. I know this very well because I have a lot of them.

The fact is, he probably isn't doing it because of you, he's doing it because he's a guy. And guys will be guys. I say if you can't beat him, join him. Or beat him if that's what he likes.

Best wishes.

- Anonymous.

[sweetcindylouwho]

I can see both sides of this....

My husband and I just had gotten back together after a separation of many many months. One nite I "caught" him on a porn site. He knew it would likely upset me so he immediately logged off of it. As a result he ended up GETTING KICKED OUT again!

Here's the bit ---- 1) we probably got back together too soon; 2) according to our faith (Christian) to look at this stuff and think the deed is tantamount to doing the deed and being unfaithful; 3) now a month or so later, we find out I am Bipolar (and looking back I think I probably overreacted considering the phase I was in); and 4) ya know, I might not have minded if I thought it had nothing to do with me, it was a mutual activity that we agreed to use to add some "spice" to our life. But his reason for doing it was, he was bored! Give me a break! At that point we were only having sex about once every 6-8 weeks (and it wasn't for lack of my desire! I'm in my mid 40's) - how could it NOT be about me...I felt so rejected and hurt on top of the spiritual concerns I had. And on top of that porn can be very addictive, like alcohol or gambling and can be very problematic for many people --- I mean beyond the basic pleasure of love of the human anatomy and what it can represent....alot of the stuff available is not loving in nature - it is vile and defamatory and degrading. That is the stuff I am opposed to and have a problem with.

Besides if it is an unresolvable issue for a partner, it creates a huge problem in the relationship and pours over into other areas of the relationship.

Personally, my husband and I have been working very hard to regain what was lost and improve upon that....that is not to say our sex life is hugely more busy, but I must say that since we have uncovered the fact that I have a life long problem and that I wasn't just a witch waiting to rear her head when the opportunity arose - he has been much more gentle and caring and I can't help but think I kind of "drove" him to look at those sites.

We have much work yet to be done. I guess my bottom line is, porn can be problematic and I don't think it should be just dismissed as a "guy thing".