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XXXX alarmXXXX cutting


JustTrying
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Hi JT/Gabby --

I hope you are able to refrain from cutting tonight.

Do you know why and what's going on that cuases you to have that urge?

Can you write about it instead?

can you talk with a friend, call a hotline?

Can you do something else to distract yourself until the urge goes away?

Could you put ice on yourself where you want to cut instead of actually cutting?

or draw with a marker where you would do it?

Any other ideas?

Appleby

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Might some exercise help? Something to exhaust you so that the intensity leaves you before you can act on this impulse? I think most anything you can substitute which will safely exhaust or distract you (or otherwise safely redirect the energy) will be a good idea.

If you can write about what is bothering you - the contents of your mind that is driving you towards feeling you need to do this, that may help. If you think it will, then give it a whirl. You don't have to post it here, but you could if you want some feedback on it. It's probably stuff others here will relate to. And writing things down helps you to get a handle on them. They take shape rather than remaining cloudy and it becomes easier to do something with them rather than just react blindly.

I recognize that whatever it is, it may involve some painful memory, so please be kind to yourself. And we will be kind to you too.

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Cutting is a very serious form of coping, and a particularly unhealthy one. I would actually sustain that drugs and alcohol are better, albeit not much. The fact that you are turning to this is quite concerning... This is an outright version of self destruction, even more than alcohol or drugs.

I am concerned if there is another thing you can do, however the more concerning to me is less obvious. Why are you asking for help before the fact? It is to my experience that self destruction is particularly self involved. It is atypical that people will plan self destruction and ask people to stop them. Typically people will make sure that it is impossible to stop them. It is an addictive behavior after all.

I am not saying that you should not ask for help, quite the contrary I encourage anybody to ask for help. However the fact that you asking that you asking for help before the fact raises my eyebrow. I have noticed your posts as of late, you have become increasingly distracted and have lost the confidence in your words that you have had before. This coupled with this new event forces me to believe that there is more going on than you are presenting. What else is going on in your life? I really am concerned.

- Anonymous

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Didn't Cut.... when I got off the internet the phone rang... I ignored it... they kept calling back... it was my sister in MD....I finally answered... said what the hell do you want.... She was worried.. I have not talked to anyone for months.. I do not want to.

I told her what was going on..... My husband told me a week ago he was leaving me for another woman... I told him NO NOT HAPPENING... we are working on that...

BUT.. I feel like there is something wrong with me.. and yes I know there is Heck I am a NUT....

It makes me soooo mad.... I use to be somebody... I took care of things.. now I cannot do anything... I try.. but something always messes it up... I use to be the strong one.. I held the "family" together .. now I can't even hold myself together.....

Had to deal with the damn case worker today... a new one.. and my doctor.. I just got a call today is no longer with the clinic.. and hell I just got use to her... This new case worker does not like my collection of Mountain Dew and Coke cans I keep in the corner in the kitchen... Or my Blankets all over the floor ( they are for the dogs) Or my Green tea bottles all over the bedroom floor... She don't like my cobwebs ( hell Halloween just left ) ... Well the BITCH should have been here a few months ago.. it was not Coke cans then.. it was Beer cans.... She doesn't like my 13 dogs... FUCK her.. they are all healthy and clean and took care of... I am going to have to go over her head,... what really pissed me off.. is I have a box of needles ( insulin needles) I have a diabetic dog.... she saw that and demanded to see my arms.. I do not do drugs ... other than a xanex every once in a while and she did not find them.... I told her they were for the dog.. showed her the insulin.. she still had to call the vet and confirm.... like I said FUCK HER!!

I want soooo much to just say the hell with all this... I do not HAVE to do this... but if I want meds I do.

I cut in my mind to hurt my husband....I know that is not rational.... The worst thing I did was cut my Breast... he loves them.. now they have scars.. not too bad.... A tanning bed might cover them.. I didn't cut too deep that time...

But yep.. I got this off the internet.. so I am glad Wintersky did not go into detail in her post... People do get ideas.... But the first time I did it... Man it felt good....

OH yeah the Bitch.. saw the scars on my arm and she actually tried to have me committed..... Called the cops.... Well ... I called the judge I know and have known for 15 yrs... he knows me ... I told him what was going on... he got on the phone with her and said that unless I was in danger right them ... best thing she could do was leave because she was upsetting me... DAMN IT... I may be mentally ill but I HAVE RIGHTS>>> unless I am hurting someone else or myself... they have to leave me alone....

To me this is all normal... now I USE to keep a spotless house... and all that but I do not care anymore.. and yes on Fridays.. I put all the green tea bottles in the trash... and I do vacuum etc.. but I am not going to do it everyday.. I have 13 dogs they make a mess.... but so what .. who am I hurting????

Another reason I cut is to not try to kill myself... I feel like a worthless piece of shit.... that is just how it is. Been this way since I was 12.... can't help it... do not know what to do about it. Cut all my hair off one time shaved my head... had long beautiful hair.....I did not like people telling me how pretty my hair was.. so I fixed it... It has grown back out now... way down my back... but I do not leave the house except to go to the store...

Why won't people leave me alone???

JT

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I want to comment on the case worker. Please keep in mind that when you are dealing with these folks, it's not just you and them; that person is responsible to a larger institution, probably state or county funded and possibly also federally funded, and that institution has a set of rules that are imposed on it which sometimes are good and sometimes are stupid but all of which it has to follow. So the caseworker has divided loyalties - she has to represent her employer and wants to represent her profession, and I'm sure she also wants to do right by you. If she doesn't know you well, or if she doesn't have experience with self-injury it is so easy to panic and think it is about suicide. If she is giving you the business, its not because she is a mean person (mean people don't go into mental health work as a rule - not enough money in it for them); it's because she is frightened by what you might be (e.g., suicidal, chaotic). The natural impulse people have is to try to control something that is chaotic. But that doesn't usually work all that great with people. Anyway - I'm just thinking that maybe you are not seeing what the encounter with you probably looked like through the caseworker's eyes. It's easier to be indignant when you don't think about that.

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READ IF YOU DARE!!!!:) LONG ONE!!!!!

As Far as the Caseworker MARK.........

I am over that now. I do realize that she is new.... but perhaps they should have sent her with someone for the first few visits with people she does not know????? I mean Hell I do not want a stranger in my house either! And I probably did scare her when I cussed her out and told her to leave my house!! LOL! Really the house is not "Nasty" Could probably dust some and pick the coke cans and the gt bottles up .... but it does not stink and I pretty much keep up with things.. I have a dishwasher that helps... I grant ya I could do better if I felt like it.... PERHAPS it was just bad timing .. because I did not feel good before she got here and I might have been looking for a fight.

And I know 13 dogs is quit a bit... But I HAD 30.... and these are fixing to start dying off... I use to breed Championship Line Miniature Pinschers www.gbminpins.com ... That is not my phone number on that website .. It is the girl I gave 20 of the dogs to... and she doesn't have them anymore... but you can see some of them. Never really made any money at it.. it was sorta a hobby... but it got too much for me.. to do by myself. George was out of town then too...Mine were NEVER kept in cages ... and they were all house trained and took turns in the house... They were breeders but they were pets too.... We had at the time 4 large fenced in areas .. and 3 runs... I am going to say about 10 males and the rest females... I miss them sometimes and wonder what became of them...

KAY..... Anonymous .. ALL

I am keeping MY husband. I know many women do not do this... but this is not the first time he cheated.. just the first time he said he wanted to leave. In the world I came from it is normal for men to have "mistresses" ( for lack of better word) .. it is something you get use to after a while... as long as the wife is still number one .. no problems... PLEASE do not tell me I am stupid etc... this is how I have lived since I was 15 and married my first biker... ( this is my second marriage...) My Daddy cheated and several of my brothers cheat.... NOT all men cheat ,.. but IMO most do.

I will put it this way.. he is asleep in MY other room on the couch.... AND yes .. SHE will be taken care of... Now I will leave her alone as long as SHE goes away... but if I catch her at his job.. or calling his cell phone... I will take matters into my own hands.. You DO NOT mess with a married man.. she KNOWS he is married... so SHE best go away....and no.. no reason for anyone to get paranoid.. I am calm cool and collected.. I will not do anything stupid.. just raise hell etc. BUT I AM going to keep MY husband!!!! :)

Felt pretty weird yesterday.... not really disassociated.. but My mind was just blank.....

THE DRAMA continues...

Late Thursday night I get a call from Adopted Sis in MD.... MOM Keith has had a stroke.... ( Mom Keith almost raised me and adopted me at one time and then un - adopted me ... Long story) My Birth Mom is the one that died in August Was it??? Mom Keith is 86 yrs old... She is not doing good and we suspect she wants to die and go be with her God and her husband...she cannot talk.... But the REAL drama comes when I get a call from "sis" #2 ( she was never adopted but grew up in our home) ... I am not answering the phone because I am suppose to be at an AA meeting... sooo she calls back and cusses me for not answering the phone.. course she is bawling the whole time.... I wait a bit and call her back.. I do my best to comfort her ... this is the only Mom she knows.. although she wasn't there for me when my Birth Mom died.. My "sis #2" Is in her early 50's .... Sooo we agree to keep each other informed... I call "SIS" #1 ( she is the Birth daughter..) the next day and find out the details... then I call #2 and TRY to tell her.... she starts Bawling BEFORE she answers the phone and then keeps interrupting me wanting to know why #1 didn't call her and why no one loves her and she is always left out... and how much she hates sis #1... ( All this is OLD news) BUT DAMN IT... MOM is what is important right now.... I try my best to comfort her and keep things calm.. ya know like well #1 didn't call me either .. I called her etc... and I am calling you to tell you .. BLAH BLAH BLAH>>> BUT Damn it when DO get to fall apart??? I am the youngest of Both of my "families" Yet I end up always taking care of an older crying sister....... I do not want to call #2 anymore.. she made me feel bad... but I will because that is the right thing to do...

I do not want Mom Keith to die either.. .but maybe it is time.. she is in allot of pain , has been and she misses her husband soooo bad... And she is right with God if anyone ever was........

I won't make it to this funeral either... but this one will be OK.. because Sis #1 is sensible...... Mom can still hear and understand.. so I will be sending a letter for #1 to read to her..... There were two boys too.. Ronnie ( birth son) he died many years ago and then Dean... he disappeared about 25 yrs ago .. Last I heard was California... He was also not adopted but grew up with him....

To clarify sorta.. Mom and Dad Keith were Foster Parents to over 100 kids in close to 40 yrs I think....I went to live with them along with 2 of my brothers when I was 9 mo old... I stayed.. My brothers went to go live with an Aunt.... And there is allot more to the story .. but perhaps another day....

But The feelings.... are they just normal.. I mean hell the drama with hubs and then loosing 2 Moms in a few months.... I am jumpy and tense.. I want to just run to the bottle and HIDE for a month or so until it all goes away... But GEE we KNOW how well that works!!! I am TRYING to learn how to deal with things... Maybe I need a good cry... If I stuff all this and put on my BAD ASS attitude... I know this is going to come out somewhere and somehow.. May be months from now.. But it will come out... THEN we have WINTER... I THINK I do the seasonal crap... and add the HOLIDAYS ( which I HATE) in there.... the problems with the kids... etc.... OK SO DAMN IT >>>> ANYONE would be feeling overwhelmed right??? New Doctor , new case worker... The dogs have been sick.. Pocket ( the diabetic) I thought was going to die.. but I think I got her straightened out...

Can I just find me a cave somewhere and Hibernate until spring???? I have always thought that sometimes the best reaction is NO reaction.. to let things work out how they will... and sometimes that works.. because me getting all upset .. or getting drunk.. or even cutting... or just Trying to "help" in the long run will probably make no difference anyway... Things are going to be how they are going to be...

I love my Hubs .. and BOTH of my families ( and yes the kids too) ... but it is easier to just not answer the phone and to not deal with it... I am not responsible for EVERYONE's feelings.... What about MY feelings??? They are the only ones I can TRY to control......

Man Iam sorry.. I went into a LONG rant.... but It felt good to talk some.. have soooo much more to say... but I will shut up for now...

Thank you all for listening.. sorry if I am not making sense.. I THINK I am... but... well!!!

JT

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