About thoughts and stuff...

[Merlin]

I have these moments when I have doubts about everything. Things occur, thoughts race through my mind, I speak but the words seem strange. Today was a very strange day. My mother's bag got stolen while we were shopping for decent boots. All day long I was trying to comfort my mom, but I was upset myself as well which in turn made my mother more upset. Later some guy thought I wanted to fight him and nearly punched me in the face. Luckily I was able to calm him down and when he was calm he was overly friendly. Said he loved me and would always have my back or something along those lines. I've been thinking that maybe I should listen to music less, because I listen to music very, very often. I'm thinking it might be an addiction or something.. Earlier I was posting something in some else's thread in an attempt to be helpful, but I kept feeling massively insecure about whether or not what I was writing had any worth and if maybe it could be missinterpreted. Aha, another one of these moments: "What the heck am I writing here? What am I trying to say? Why should I say anything? Am I saying it right? Is this going anywhere?" I don't need these thoughts, they seem useless to me. I want to be able to express myself free of all these questions.

Lately I've sort of been wasting valuable time that I seemingly can't afford to lose. In eleven days I'll take off on a plane to travel for 20,000 km and I won't be coming back for a whole year. I'm beginning to realise this now and I want to make the most of the time I have left, but I seem to be failing completely. I can't get out of bed and I some days are spent watching movies or doing random things that seem to be worthless. I also get this feeling that I keep forgetting valuable lessons that I've learned from life. I have to keep reminding myself of certain things that I know are important. I just know so many conflicting things or maybe I mean I believe many conflicting things. I believe in humanity, but what are we doing? Why is our entire history one of pain? I believe in mindfulness, living in the here and now, but the here and now can be so depressing. I believe in myself, but I'm such an idiot sometimes. I believe I need to let go of petty desires, but their hold on me is so strong. And what about my desire to write? What about my desire to be a better person? The way I percieve the world is influenced by my immediate environment and it's just often feels so hostile, so unsupporting. Is that my own doing? I'm trying to believe so badly in humanity, that seeing it struggle makes my struggling harder.

I'm just so unsure about what to do with my life. How to live it and stuff...