On the edge, always in crisis it seems

[WinterSky]

I am so depressed and weepy all the time. It seems I can't do anything right. I joined a new depression forum and I did a bad thing. I voiced my concerns about not being able to donate annually rather than monthly and expressed interest in doing so, and I was told in a private message that it was against forum rules to discuss the donation system in public and that I agreed not to by accepting the terms and conditions. Wow some terms and conditions are so long, who really reads those things? I mean, if you follow the rules, don't flame others, be polite, etc., what can go wrong? I thought my intro to that forum was friendly and informative of who I was and my diagnoses, etc. That was the first communication from there. Part of what I said in my public intro is this, and they deleted it from my post:

Which by the way I wanted to say that I am disappointed that there is not an annual donation option because most forums I go to provide the opportunity to give on an annual basis. And I am on disability at present (SSDI) and cannot afford the monthly fees.

I have been worried about pancreatic cancer since my diabetes type II occurred so quickly all of the sudden. I've been doing research on the internet and there are two hypotheses: one is that diabetes can cause pancreatic cancer, and the other is that pancreatic cancer can cause diabetes. And since pancreatic cancer is usually diagnosed late, I am worried. One can have pancreatic cancer and not know it, and diabetes develops. And then one gets treated for diabetes and not pancreatic cancer. I am trying to be proactive here. I have a conservative GP and I do not know if he will give me a referral to an endocrinologist. I do have other symptoms but personally I think the human body can get kinda gross.

I was a volunteer for M.D. Anderson Cancer Center here in my city, and we volunteers are required to take a seminar on the risks and causes of different cancers. I know that I am at risk for colon cancer because of my obesity, yet my GP will not order a colonoscopy for me. My obesity began due to the use of psychotropic drugs and I was told by peers that it was better than being in a coffin. Well look at the risks now. But the weight gain continued due to extreme inactivity and depression. My appetite was very poor and food was uninteresting. I would skip meals and then order pizza because they were the only ones that delivered. Pizza and pasta, and buffalo wings was what I ate when I actually ate.

I posted here in the Depression forum because my depression is so bad, the weepiness is uncontrollable. I recognize this as clinical in nature. I wake up depressed and in pain physically and with headaches. I called my sister this evening hoping I'd get some support I am in dire need of. Do you know what she said? She said I was overreacting to the pancreatic cancer thing. She was very insensitive of my feelings generally. Any time she's come to me when she is feeling low and and upset she comes to me and I am supportive emotionally. I listen to her. I recognize that in safe relationships, we as humans ought to feel safe in sharing vulnerabilities. Her interpretation of my vulnerabilities is that I am insecure. How bogus! We as humans have both securities and insecurities, IMHO.

Much of the time lately, I just don't know where to turn. I know that this forum is not meant for emergencies. I know there are crisis hotlines but they are so impersonal. And the last time I used one, instead of listening to me they referred me to a psychiatric clinic for indigents, which I am not. They treated people horribly there! When I complained they would not let me leave! Then they wanted to send me to a hospital. All I needed was for someone to listen. I brought my own medication and they would not let me take it, they wanted to force medication on me that they provided, medication that would cause even more weight gain. I told them no! They tried to force it on me!

I don't know what I want by posting this message. I don't know what I am trying to accomplish here. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I need at this point. Why do anything at all.

[Guest existindeath]

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Edited November 7, 2009 by existindeath

[confused12]

I'd talked to your therapist about your mood if your feeling this way or whatever doctor or doctors you have........

The reason you post is because you don't want to fall into such deep despair. Your reaching out for input... something. Here it is....see your therapist;psychologist;psychiatrist or call them. Then get on that phone and make an appointment with you PCP for a check up on your concerns and symptoms.

I agree with what existindeath said here. You are reaching out. I would try not to let the forum thing get to you and focus on your depression issue and current physical health status.

I know is easier said then done but do try and make the appointments which meet your needs. You have the control to make it happen, we can only support and encourage you to do it.

Good luck I know you can do it,

Confused12

[WinterSky]

Thank you Existindeath and Confused. I appreciate your support. It is just that I most frequently feel like I am in crisis mode clinically, and not based on what is going on outside of me. It is just that since I am in such a depressed and suicidal state of mind, it leaves me vulnerable. I am a sitting duck. I think perhaps I ought to stay away from the computer and people altogether until my meds get straightened out.

INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

I do only confide in those people who know me. I am just saying that in relationships we have generally speaking (you know, family and close friends; some we trust more than others), that we ought to feel safe enough in a close interpersonal relationship to be able to express vulnerabilities where we are not judged as weak and insecure. I mean, isn't that the way it is supposed to be with a mate, a best friend, a parent, or a sister?

CALLING PDOC OR THERAPIST

I hate having to call my pdoc or my therapist because I am always in crisis mode and call them frequently. Sometimes I think perhaps I belong in the hospital, until my meds are straightened out at least. But then again I have appointments with doctors and the dentist, etc., I do not know when I would have the time to go to the hospital.

BACK TO THAT DEPRESSION FORUM

It was the admins on that forum that responded to me in PM not because they were interested in making the forums a safe place or that I was a threat to its safety. Nooooooohohohoho! Here's what one admin said:

"Per the Terms of Service you agreed to when you joined, issues/questions regarding the forum are to be addressed via PM to the Admin/Mod team.

Thank you for understanding. If you have quetions regarding this action, please, PM me or any of the Admin/Mod team."

My response to here was, "Hello <admin name>. I certainly did not intend to make a bad first impression here. And I am sorry but I do not understand. I was not taking issue with the forums per se, as you said. Please advise as to where on these terms of service that it states the above. I do not see it. Thank you."

Really the forums usually have the basic rules and most of us look them over briefly where you could miss something. Since most say basically the same thing.

Their terms of service was extremely long!! And nowhere did it say anything that what I said was out of line!

Going back to my intro post, part of what I said was this:

"Well that's it in a nutshell! I look forward to getting to know y'all. I plan on not only benefiting from this site personally, but giving back as well. Which by the way I wanted to say that I am disappointed that there is not an annual donation option because most forums I go to provide the opportunity to give on an annual basis. And I am on disability at present (SSDI) and cannot afford the monthly fees. Y'all have a great day!"

They thought the donation part was bad enough that they edited it out!! That was bad??? I thought that all in all the tone of my message was friendly.

And the other admin PM'd me about their donation system and it did not include anything like $25/year or $50/year. They expected more! :eek: This admin's PM talked all about their donation system and ended with, "Thank you for inquiring and take very good care of yourself! You are not alone - We care". Ah yea right.

I see my pdoc next week. I see my GP next week. I think I shall call my therapist today to see if she can fit me in. I have a full schedule next week of appointments and stuff.

I appreciate y'all listening to my post, Existindeath and Confused12. It really makes a big difference knowing someone is there listening...

Edited November 14, 2008 by WinterSky

[WinterSky]

This is what the admin at that depression site had to say about my query about where exactly does it say in the terms of service that I broke the rules. Here's the part of the terms of service she is specifying:

Should you have a problem with a moderator that you cannot work out PRIVATELY, please send a PM to Forum Admin and we will investigate the matter. Public posts directed at the staff, for the entire membership to read, whether it is of a technical or personal nature, start unnecessary incidents which are quite disruptive and can be upsetting to the membership. It should be clearly understood that we expect you to give us an opportunity to handle these matters off of the public board.

She is specifying the part in bold. Personally by specifying just the bold part above, it takes it out of context IMHO. By looking at the entire paragraph it suggests that someone has a problem with something and needs to take it to PMs instead of posting the problem in public. Like I said before, I have not been there long enough to have any ill will against any individual or with the site itself.

I feel that this is a sensitivity issue with their moderation team and it's not about me or what I've said at all. Apparently the TOS is largely left up to interpretation, and anyone can break the TOS. I don't see what I said as any big deal.

When you first join a forum and you are immediately jumped on by the powers that be, it is quite disconcerting.

What do the admins and moderators here think about this? I would appreciate your honesty. Thanks.

Edited November 14, 2008 by WinterSky

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi WinterSky and all,

Gee, I do not know what to say about the other forum. Also, I do not understand. Were they complaining about something you said or did?

Anyway, It makes me feel happy that you are here. As for the hospital, perhaps you should be in the hospital until the meds are adjusted. That is one stragegy that psychiatrists use when someone is very vulnerable.

I hope you continue to post here. I am not so sure that not posting is the way to handle things. Stay in the forums you find really supportive and stay away from those where that is not so.

I know that our aim here is for everyone to gain a sense of support and belonging. We cannot control for everyone, of course, and people can become too angry and say things in ways that are really harsh. We know that and we try to handle it but not system is perfect.

It's up to you, of course, but I hope we continue to hear from you.

Could you clarify about what happened at the other site?

Allan

[WinterSky]

Hi Dr. Schwartz, I pretty much explained it in the previous posts as to what happened on this other site. But unfortunately these posts are rather lengthy and probably difficult to decipher.

Yes I am not well. I think I need to go to the hospital. One moment I am happy then I get set off by something and get incredibly angry, using colorful words I haven't used since high school. Then I get desperate and clinically depressed and suicidal and weepy and want to hurt myself. My emotions are scattered all over the map and I just cannot control myself.

I have so much to say but really I am exhausted. I need to go to the hospital but I don't have any clean clothes.

[WinterSky]

Well I didn't go to the hospital. I think it is just a waste of time. They take so long to admit you. The last time I went I didn't get to the unit until 2:30am in the morning. And they get you up at 7am. So Friday I went home, took a couple of ambien, two klonopin, a melatonin 5mg, 2 hydrocodone and went straight to bed and slept for quite awhile.

Since I am diabetic, on Saturday I went to the grocery store and went through every single isle and looked at food labels. So I bought a bunch of stuff. Today I really hurt and just taking it easy and listening to music. And I am importing all of my CDs into iTunes because I had to rebuild my HD and did not want to bother with backing up my data. It's pure laziness I guess; as an IT type person I get so sick of computers.

Things ended well at the other forums. The main admin apologized for the other admin's agression towards me. Although I had interest in resolving this conflict for my own self esteem, I probably won't go back there. Without donating money their site is full of advertisements!! They MUST make a profit there.

Anyways, enough rambling. Life goes on ya know.