[Trigger!]I really feel I need help and fast!

[paula]

I have been for a meal tonight with my son and his girlfriend., with it being my birthday. We had a couple of bottles of wine or rather a vineyard or thats what it feels like?

I spoke a few home truths tonight to my son about my plans of going to try and commit suicide! I have never seen him cry like the way he cried tonight.

I just feel so hopeless, useless, never should have been born! This thing is cutting me up soooo bad! I can't even think straight! I'm doped up to the eye balls! On that much meds it's unreal! I keep trying to store my meds for a rainy day if you know what I mean!

I've had a death in the family, so what! Why do I feel like I do? I can't handle this no more! I found him, and that keeps replaying in my mind over & over & over. His face, his lifeless body, no reply when I talk to him?

I don't like this feeling, please advise me what to do? I feel like I've not got long left in this world? I keep hearing a voice in my head saying do it! do it now! Pick that knife up and do it!

[kaudio]

Hi Paula, my condolences for your loss. I am not sure of the circumstances, but these feelings you mention may have been compounded with the wine, and the medication you have taken. This may not be a complete solution, but I think you need to make a decision as to whether you need to visit the hospital. I do not know how much wine and medications you have taken, but if you are of the opinion that you have taken too much of both, I strongly suggest you visit the emergency. Explain to them the recent loss of a family member, how much wine you consumed, the quantity and names of the medications you consumed, and your thoughts of suicide.

Also, you may feel better if you call your son and reassure him that you do not intend to commit suicide. I think you may feel bad for making your son cry, and it would be best to tell him not to worry. But, if you do decide that a hospital visit is in order, I think you should go to the hospital first before you call your son. Again, you understand your circumstances better than anyone else so if you need a taxi or emergency services to transport you that is your call as well.

[Kay_J]

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Edited March 19, 2009 by Kay_J

[appleby]

Don't do it!

Do what you need to do be safe.

Call crisis, go to a hospital.

You love your son and he loves you,

he is suffering the same loss of the family member that you are. It may not be to the same degree and he does not suffer the flashbacks of finding the family member dead,

but what if you succeeded in killing yourself? What will you leave him with?

How will his life be without you? And what about if he is the one who finds you? You found some0ne who dies of natural causes, He would be finding his own mother who died by her own hand...

Paula, I know you are great pain - and you need help to feel better.

The death of a loved one and the experience of finding them sucks.

It would be sad a difficult for anyone.

Having additional mental health issues just complicates it all.

Please Paula, remember that you are important. You make a difference in this world -- You are needed by your son, you help others in your community, you help and support others here on this board. The pain you are experiencing is real and it is NOW. You are not and will not always be in such great pain, though it may come and go. But if you kill yourself -- then THAT is final...

I know I am being blunt but Paula, I care. I want you to be here on this planet. We each have things we offer simply by being here. I do hold the hope and belief for you that it won't always feel so bad. But for now -- it feels unbearable -- please get help...

Appleby

[paula]

Thank you all for your concern, But I'm in chicken limbo here? I can't explain, I really wish I could? I don't know what is happening to me? I'ts as if I'm in a world of my own. I keep reaching out for help but not getting any! I am, but not the help that I crave for if that makes any sense?

People around me are being brilliant! But thats not the help I want/need, and yet I can't ask for the help I need? I want to but I can't? I don't know, my head is so mashed up at the moment. I just feel soooo low, basically at rock bottom and I don't know what to do about it?

I'm sick of seeing the Doctor and explaining my low state and him just giving me meds. Thats not what I want! I want the old me back from 11yrs ago! Because of what has happened, this is not only about me here. Its about the whole family and I can NO WAY INTERVIENE and tell them how I am feeling! Under the circumstances, there has to be a time and a place, and the right time and place.

But I'm afraid that these feelings are going to take over my life at some point! I don't want to see anybody, speak to anybody, be near anybody, the way I'm feeling is a great urge to end it all. Constantly feeling like this. Every thing is to much at the moment! I need help and I've tried explaining to the professionals and there not listening! In the same breath, I don't want to be sectioned (hospitalised) either. So I know what I should be saying but, have got to watch what I'm saying, if that makes any sense?

My son has watched me like a hawk today and I feel so guilty for that yet, feel a relief for telling him. This way, I know that any worries over trying to end it all, is not going to be easy since my every movement is being recorded. I keep thinking about me telling my son of my actions, and the more I think about it, the more it makes me feel that it was my body's way of crying for help! By telling my son has infact, stopped me from carrying out these actions.

I don't want to die if I'm honest with myself, but I don't want to carry on living like I am?

[kaudio]

You are very welcome, Paula. From what I believe I can infer from your post, you wish to ask for help, but you are afraid of what may happen once you do reach out to others with your honest feelings. You have an idea of what kind of help you want, but the people with whom you discuss your circumstances with seem to have other plans that you do not agree with. In particular, you mention being cautious of what you say for fear that you may be hospitalized?

You also see your son in the same light as the professionals as you are afraid that he, and other friends and family members, may also recommend plans that you do not agree with. But, you are aware that the current circumstances are unsustainable, that you must do something to address them, and you wish to begin taking action to move from these circumstances to a better position.

Of course, at this point I have gone a bit out on a limb here, but I suggest that you place your trust in the professionals, and your family members. Share with them what you are feeling without censoring yourself out of fear of particular treatments. If your son is any indication, the people around you love you dearly, and you should feel safe in the knowledge that whatever help they get you will be a step in the right direction.

As you say, by telling your son, you did not carry out whatever you planned. Considering the benefit of just honestly talking to your son, I think the next step is to stay honest about your concerns in any future discussions with the professionals you are seeing, and to make arrangements to see them at your earliest convenience.

[silentmist]

Paula you need to talk to someone strong and dependable about what happened to you 11 years ago. Containing trauma from your loved ones will only serve to make you feel isolated and alone living a superficial (e.g. people pleaser) existence with those around you ... spill your guts sweetheart