My two cents on SPS, from a fellow 'sufferer'

[anotherlevel]

*major update Jan. 20, 2012*: After reading this over I felt that I was not specific enough in certain places about my experiences, so I elaborated a bit more. I would love to hear your thoughts, if not, thank you for reading.*

My two cents regarding SPS, from a fellow "sufferer."

I have recently 'broken free' from a very pervasive cult that attracted members from all over the world. The beliefs and practices of this cult appealed to me, as it provided an entertaining explanation as to what the truth is about our history on this planet and who's really behind the scenes in this world pulling the "puppet strings." I became convinced I had found "the truth" that so many other people don't know about, and from this developed a boost in ego. I believed I was special, that I had a big part to play in this game of life bearing the noble burden of knowing the real truth about life. I began to develop self-worth, which I did not have since before my early teen years. Sometime in my early teen years, after becoming more self-aware of my penis and how it does not quite measure up to society's norms, I spent my life contemplating suicide, and succumbing to despair and depression. Although at this moment I accept full responsibility for what happened subsequent to my withdrawal from the cult, I still have lapses of denial/pain/self-doubt/self-sabotage from time to time that I must deal with.

I decided to leave the cult after gradually acknowledging the "elephant in my living room." I was immersing myself in a line of thinking that was essentially an escape from reality. I was using it to mask the pain I was feeling. I was terrified to address my problem, and I felt ashamed to be terrified. I felt like I was still a child who had not yet "grown up." I realized after my development of SPS in my very early teen years, I also developed a proclivity to occasionally tell a white lie to people that I knew. I would lie in a way to give an appearance of not having "flaws." I had to appear 'normal' and 'without flaw' in an effort to compensate for what I felt was the "horrible crime" of having a small penis. I did not want to admit to myself how IMPORTANT an issue it had become, how much it was interfering with my mental and physical health and well-being.

So, for a while, the truth was something I created to convince myself that 'all is well', and that there are no problems that need addressing. You see, although I was aware of my SPS condition, I had never properly dealt with it, because it was still an 'open case' in my psyche. I refused to accept what I had. Again, I looked outward for a distraction to prevent myself from having to face my problem. I did not want to 'accept' a life of humiliation and pity. I allowed my stubborn nature to cloud my judgment.

One immense benefit from breaking free from a cult is the unique opportunity to drastically enhance one's own discernment. You may come through it with the same physical problems you had before, but at least you have an opportunity to look at things from a different perspective.

I often times meditate, figuring out a way to live a life of dignity, peace, and self-acceptance. I often times have sudden moments of clarity, in which I feel that our time on this planet will not last forever. Those of us who genuinely suffer from SPS, will not suffer from it forever.. I then feel, in my heart, that this life experience is for a reason. It is an opportunity to develop myself. Having SPS is just another TEMPORARY hurdle to further develop my soul, spirit, or whatever you want to call it - that which goes with us after death. I am by no means a religious man, but I am a man whom has profound respect for my own intuition. All of this suffering, is for a reason.

I feel that the perception of 'manhood' has become very distorted in our society. But, I am actually GLAD that it is this way. If it were not distorted, my genital 'flaw' would be less challenging and thus, less of an opportunity to develop myself personally. If you want to strengthen yourself mentally, then develop a genuine desire to live accordingly to this philosophy:

"Manhood is improving what can be changed, and accepting and loving what cannot be changed."

[2112_2112]

Cool that you found a way to rationalize it away, good for you.

[anotherlevel]

Cool that you found a way to rationalize it away, good for you.

For me, rationalization is making excuses to justify what one has done, or will do. I think it implies that there is guilt. I have gone down the guilt road before. I want to 'rationalize' that I am guilty for my 'condition', but really it is just ANOTHER rationalization to continue torturing myself; a rationalization to continue my comfortable addictive pattern of self-abuse.

When it comes to how you feel about your physical body, the truth is whatever you make it to be. You have complete control over your 'inner world' but you do not have complete control over your 'outer world.' What's more important, your personal development as a human being, or having complete sexual confidence and ability to bring women to orgasm in bed? Is it logical to succumb to the concerns of a woman that is not capable of understanding personal acceptance of things that one cannot change? Is that what she needs for her personal development, to not be challenged upon this notion?

Some have said on this forum that a gratifying sex life for a woman is a core, essential requirement to a healthy relationship. Well, yes, it totally is, for the lesser developed. Maturity is accepting that life on this planet is about making sacrifices, especially for those that suffer. Are we on this planet to find a mate with the best "bang for our buck" sexually, or even physically? (like we're shopping for TV's at Wal-mart?) Or is our purpose to develop ourselves, to evolve beyond such superficiality?

If those who feel it necessary to continue abusing themselves, I wholeheartedly recommend you continue doing so. It's for the best, really, experience all these feelings have to offer, I think it is important. The desire to initiate genuine change starts and ends within yourself. We've all got to figure this one out by ourselves. It doesn't hurt to support others during the process.

Bottom line, people, do as you wish. Listen and follow your own inner voice, even if it tells you to abuse yourself, feel guilty, etc.

[flander]

if you've figured out a way to deal with the disappointment, embarrassment, and ridicule, more power to you. It sounds as if you're taking the Office Space approach.