not an ED, but worried

[Celeste]

*trigger warning, mentions of SI*

My eating habits have become more and more erratic over the last few weeks, and I haven't breached the subject with my therapist. I feel like I can't - when I think about saying something, I start getting anxious that I will be misunderstood and something bad will happen, like they will start micromanaging my food intake or start watching my weight or make me gain weight or put me in a hospital. I know that I'm being overly paranoid, but I end up saying nothing.

My appetite normally comes in waves - I eat a lot when I'm in a low and almost nothing when I'm up. But lately, even when I'm depressed I can't eat; just looking and thinking about food makes me nauseous. I have only eat when social situations demand it, and afterward the full feeling in my stomach disgusts me. I eat to keep up facades; if my friends realized that I've stopped eating, the same thing that would happen if my doc finds out would happen. I'm all about facades these days, slipping my image into place while standing outside the lines and observing the world. Deviance from this would mess everything up. I usually end up resorting to SI after I eat, but after breakfast this morning I made myself throw up to get rid of the feeling because the carbs just sat in my stomach and hurt. I felt so much better... but also scared. I don't think I'll develop an ED, and I'm worried that I may be slipping into some sort screwed up eating thing that is going to threaten my fragile social ties, ones that I need pretty desperately and endanger in enough ways already.

For me, it's not my image; I'm more concerned with remaining at normal weight so that no further attention is drawn to me; hence, cutting and burning rather than purging... at least until today when I realized how much better it works, and now, it's going to be so tempting... It's just that a hungry feeling seems "clean" to me, and I've grown used to it and want it and now a full feeling seems wrong and gross. I feel like I've won a battle when I look at food that I like the taste of and I want to eat it but I don't, like I've established control over myself. I know I should mention this to my psychologist, but I just can't seem to spit it out... any advice?

[JustTrying]

I do not eat unless I have to.... I have to eat something to stay alive... I do take vitamins... I have never made myslef throw up food.. but like I said I do not eat.. but I still managed to gain 25 lbs... on these stupid meds... still look ok.. but wish I was smaller...

JT

[nightfalls]

HI celeste

It has been awhile but I just came across this when looking for info regarding a similar issue I am having. How are you doing with all this now?

anyways I understand some of your feelings around what you discribed and wanted to lend some support with this. I wondered if you talked to your T about this yet, and if you did how this went.

Edited February 2, 2009 by nightfalls

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Celeste,

You are describing a very real ED and you do have it, it seems to me.

Why do you fear telling your therapist about your eating habits? What is it that he/she will misunderstand and, even if you are misunderstood, couldn't you keep explaining it until you are understood? After all, it is your psychotherapy and, therefore, most important that you discuss this issue. It is also connected up with depression and many other feelings.

Allan:(