goobertron Posted February 3, 2012 Report Share Posted February 3, 2012 Hi guys, right now I should be feeling top of the world and very happy, yet I am feeling exceedingly confused, anxious and just generally feel like a let down and I am wondering if it is all worth it. Background story being that for the last 3 months I have been having counselling for depression, anxiety and OCD and within the last week have finally relented and started taking citalopram which I am told takes at least 2 weeks to start having any effect. The reason I should be feeling happy is that I am in the beginnings of a relationship and she makes me v happy and is a great girl and I have returned home from her house after a night of passion etc. Now her comes the real kick in the guts part. During some heavy petting etc I found myself imagining it was one of her housemates "doing it" rather than her, despite having only met the housemate last night. This has really caused me great consternation in my own mind as I don't even know the girl merely briefly chatted last night. This is not something that is new to me in terms of fantasising about my friends or my ex gfs friends. There appears to be a strong link in my own mind between people I meet and having fantasies about them. One of the reasons for the breakdown in my previous relationship was that I "confessed" to her that I had been fantasising over her friends, even though like this scenario I barely knew them. Something triggers in my own head that they find me attractive and I am some sort of demi god etc despite that fact in real life I would never cheat. I know when relating my fantasising, the counsellor mentioned that thats all they were, fantasies and that you arent hurting anyone but after confessing all to my ex, I cannot shake the urges, I am guessing it is linked to my OCD/Anxiety in terms of I have very rigid lines in my own head re how things should be and if any of them are crossed or bent then thats a reason for confessing. This girl I have started seeing I feel really bad for having had this fantasy already and it was our first night of passion. I feel fine if fantasising over a celebrity but why do I feel so guilty if it is a housemate or friend. I really am at my wits end and feel horrible about myself, help anyone.P.S Sorry for the rambling but my head is all over the place Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted February 3, 2012 Report Share Posted February 3, 2012 Goober I am sorry that you are feeling so guilty. You have confessed. Just now to our community. No one is here to judge you. Our subconscious sometimes does what it wants and we feel bad about having those thoughts but your councellor is right, they are just thoughts. Girls don't want to hear about fantasies because they want to believe that they are everything you want/need. I have OCD and it has been really bad at times. Thoughts like throwing my baby out the window of a moving car. That was horrible but I knew that I would never do anything to hurt my baby so I just dealt with the thoughts. I stopped having them after a coouple of years but I was afraid while I was having them that someone would want to take my baby away if I confessed. I know that you are a different person with different problems but if you recognize (and clearly you do) that you would not act on your thoughts than you should try to forgive yourself and let them go. I really hope you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goobertron Posted February 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2012 Thanks very much for the response frazzled. Indeed they are just thoughts, but coupled with my habit of fantasising over people I have met I seem to have some form of addiction and whilst I really like to say I would never cheat, I have so much self doubt and self ridiculation that I don't know what I would do. I feel close to the end of my tether in terms of sanity. I really do like this girl and don't want to hurt her so I am going to have to do my best to keep my urge to tell her surpresed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted February 3, 2012 Report Share Posted February 3, 2012 You can always talk to the community goober. It's really a rotten feeling not trusting yourself. Have you ever tried meditating? Self exploration can be freeing in terms of intrusive thoughts. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goobertron Posted February 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2012 Well I think deep down there is the trust there but I feel so insecure sometimes its hard to feel/know what is real and what has been conjured up by my head if that makes sense. I haven't tried mediating, in fact I would be wary of it in terms of having time to sit on my own and over analyse things which is what I tend to do. I am trying to hang in there, and I am just hoping that in about 2 weeks or so the citalopram begins to kick in and my anxiety begins to drop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted February 3, 2012 Report Share Posted February 3, 2012 I hope the medicine does work for you. In the mean time meditating doesn't necessarily mean analyzing yourself or your thoughts. You can pick out a single thought or an object to focus on. If it's a thought than you can just let the thought flow and follow where it leads. If it is an object than you can pick it apart by magnifying it in your minds eye. Zooming in closer and closer until the atoms separate. The point is to help focus your thoughts and quiet any intrusive ones. If you can lead your thoughts even the intrusive ones than you should try to characiture them. Make them outlandish to yourself. Like bugs bunny type stuff. If you can do that the thoughts may not seem so threatening to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goobertron Posted February 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2012 Thank you frazzled, I shall try this technique and hopefully it helps, I do really like this girl and want my angst re any "thoughts" to dissipate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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