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Feeling hideous


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Many apologies, and mods please feel free if I am breaking any forum rules to delete/amend as per necessary but I have posted this in the urgent part of the forum, but it appears more people are viewing this section than that one, though I thank frazzled very much for his reply on the original thread. This is what I posted there:

Hi guys, right now I should be feeling top of the world and very happy, yet I am feeling exceedingly confused, anxious and just generally feel like a let down and I am wondering if it is all worth it. Background story being that for the last 3 months I have been having counselling for depression, anxiety and OCD and within the last week have finally relented and started taking citalopram which I am told takes at least 2 weeks to start having any effect. The reason I should be feeling happy is that I am in the beginnings of a relationship and she makes me v happy and is a great girl and I have returned home from her house after a night of passion etc. Now her comes the real kick in the guts part. During some heavy petting etc I found myself imagining it was one of her housemates "doing it" rather than her, despite having only met the housemate last night. This has really caused me great consternation in my own mind as I don't even know the girl merely briefly chatted last night. This is not something that is new to me in terms of fantasising about my friends or my ex gfs friends. There appears to be a strong link in my own mind between people I meet and having fantasies about them. One of the reasons for the breakdown in my previous relationship was that I "confessed" to her that I had been fantasising over her friends, even though like this scenario I barely knew them. Something triggers in my own head that they find me attractive and I am some sort of demi god etc despite that fact in real life I would never cheat. I know when relating my fantasising, the counsellor mentioned that thats all they were, fantasies and that you arent hurting anyone but after confessing all to my ex, I cannot shake the urges, I am guessing it is linked to my OCD/Anxiety in terms of I have very rigid lines in my own head re how things should be and if any of them are crossed or bent then thats a reason for confessing. This girl I have started seeing I feel really bad for having had this fantasy already and it was our first night of passion. I feel fine if fantasising over a celebrity but why do I feel so guilty if it is a housemate or friend. I really am at my wits end and feel horrible about myself, help anyone.

P.S Sorry for the rambling but my head is all over the place

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