goobertron Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Hi guys, I am sorry for the frequency of my posting here but I am again in real need of peer support. Right now in my life I should be on top of the world, I have a great gf, and have just been offered a new job. Instead I am feeling at my lowest ebb and really just want to go to my bed and cry and cry and cry. I absolutely hate myself and in my eyes for good reason. In short, in my own head it feels like I have betrayed my gf and in a way it feels like I have a split personality. Part of me is a kind good natured person (or so I am told) and the other appears to be a heartless, emotionless souless person and it is this side of me that has caused the angst. In short, I have fantasized about other women and in particular one girl, who I haven't even met but very briefly chatted online (before I met my gf) and who I was friends with on Facebook. I will make this clear, that we had no contact once I was in a relationship yet because of her wearing a particular type of clothing that I find attractive on a girl I found myself fantasising about her, and the more I tried to get her out of my head the harder it was. I even had trouble deleting her from facebook as a friend today, to stop this problem happening again, why would I have such angst for Christs sake, I have never met the girl in my life!! This could also be applied to just generally walking past women in the street. It seems the more I try and not look at them, the more I do look at them and it is causing my so much pain, my guess is that all of this is linked to intrusive thoughts, though I am really not sure. My head is a real mess and the one person I would love to talk to about this is my gf, yet she is the last person I can talk to. I feel at the end of my tether and I feel I have let her down badly and part of me wants to end the relationship because she deserves better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Hi Goob it sounds like you are having a really hard time accepting your intrusive thoughts. If you are not acting on those thoughts then they are just thoughts and rather than hating that part of you it might be healthier if you just accept that you are going to have those unpleasant thoughts from time to time. They are after all a part of who you are but so is the self control that you exercise every time that you recognize a thought for what it is and not act upon it. If you can learn to accept and embrace this part of you then it will free you from the chains of chastization that the stronger part suffers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goobertron Posted March 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 Hi Frazz, you are right, the intrusive thoughts are killing me and it leads me to such self criticism. Part of me thinks that they are no longer thoughts because in the process of fantasising and "masturbating" then I have acted upon them if that makes sense. It really pains me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 In a way you are right Goob but think about it this way. If you get angry at someone and you tell them "That pisses me off!" then you have acted upon that anger just as if you had punched that person in the nose. however, one way is productive legal and socially acceptable and the other is not. Humans all act according to their beliefs and social upbringing coupled with their immediate thoughts and feelings. Just because some of your thoughts may seem naughty to you does not mean that you have done anything wrong. The fact that you find an acceptable out6let for these intrusive thoughts means that you do have some control where it counts (which is in your actions). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goobertron Posted March 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 That is quite a good analogy Frazz, and I will try to bear it in mind. Right now my head is a mess, and part of me feels emotionless towards my gf, through my own guilt perhaps, or am I still suffering emotional detachment thanks to being on Citalopram? I was told that the symptoms eased for this after a while. Whenever I see her or I get a text from her it brings a smile to my face, its when we arent in contact, is when I start having "dark thoughts" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted March 7, 2012 Report Share Posted March 7, 2012 I'm sure that the meds are not making things any easier right now but the effects will subside some after you take them for a while. everyone I think feels different when they are separated from the people they care about. Maybe to differing degrees but there is nothing wrong with your feeling this way you just need to find constructive ways of coping with the feelings and something to do with your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goobertron Posted March 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Tbh things have got worse today, I was out with a work colleague today and she introduced me to a friend who is a good looking girl and I couldn't not look at her without thinking you are hot, I should move nearer you to see if you move nearer me. I cant actually recollect if I moved towards her, apparently with intrusive thoughts and OCD, reality can get distorted and thats probs what happened with regard to recollection. It really troubles me, I have a gf who I care about ffs, what is up with my thought pattens. Technically at no point in the relationship have I cheated, but I am really worn out and on the phone to her earlier I felt cold and heartless, I assume through my own feelings of guilt? Part of me is thinking of ending things tomorrow, yes it is selfish but I can't see any way out to clear my own head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 Goob I am sorry that things are so difficult for you now but you have to know that this will pass. Don't deny yourself a loving relationship because of intrusive thoughts. I know they can be truly bothersome and they make you feel like you have done something wrong rather than think something wrong but you have been doing good. You have had this gf for a little while now yes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goobertron Posted March 8, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 We have been going out for 6 weeks or so. After talking to my parents they have been saying you are still at the early stages and you shouldnt feel completely bound to this girl but in my head, when you are in a relationship, thats it the "barriers" are up as it were and my entire focus should be on my gf, this coupled with my intrusive thoughts and compulsions are making things horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted March 8, 2012 Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 It is a little early in the relationship to purpose marriage but commitment is an admirable quality at any stage. It is also too early to throw in the towel. Is she aware that you are in therapy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goobertron Posted March 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 She is aware that I am suffering from depression, but she doesn't know about the OCD/Anxiety, and she certainly doesn't know that I have a compulsive masturbation habit, I think any girl would freak out at that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted March 9, 2012 Report Share Posted March 9, 2012 Goober you should share the OCD/Anxiety with her. Part of what helps us to heal and get along in society is the courage to accept our flaws and the flaws of others. OCD does not have to be so bad and if the ones we share our lives with are aware of our troubles then they will be more likely to be sympathetic and helpful to us rather than unintentionally counter productive to any progress we are making.The masterbation thing might want to wait for the relationship to mature a bit though then you should find an opportune moment to tactfully introduce the issue (if you choose to do so).People are surprising sometimes. The things we think are a big deal are treated much differently than we expect. The point is that you don't know until you try.Good Luck Goob and take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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