Any advice would help.

[ryan2011]

Well I’m 19 soon to be 20. After elementary school I never socialized with my friends out side of school. I just never had the desire to play with them. When I was a freshman in high school my parents divorced and my dad moved to New York while I stayed in California with my mom and sister. After my freshman year I started home schooling because I had never liked school and cut off all communication with my friends. I liked this a lot and I actually did really well. I graduated with a 3.9 gpa but never applied to any colleges. To me college never sounded like fun or worth my time. I look at my parents who are both doctors but they are both struggling to make ends meet and are not happy with their lives. So what’s the point? It’s not like I have a passion for anything either. I don’t like people, I don’t like socializing, I hate doing/learning things that don’t interest me or have any value on daily life (trigonometry). I’m depressed and hate my life but I don’t want to change anything. I went to see a therapist once a week for about 3 months than quit because things just got worse. I only work Mondays at an accountants house and the only other time I leave the house is to go running. Needles to say I currently don’t have friends and I’ve never had a girlfriend, but I don’t even know if I want them. I’m extremely self conscious and have low self esteem. Whenever I am in public I feel like everyone is judging me. For some reason I feel inferior to everyone else. I have had acne since I was 15 and I’m currently on accutane. Having acne certainly has made me more self conscious and I have sensitive skin that turns red and hot very easily. I just don’t see the point of life. Go to school, go to college, get a job, work 40+ hours a week paying off student loans, get married, have kids, get divorced, pay child support, retire, then die. Then you make your children go through the same crappy so-called life you just went through. It doesn’t make sense. Why go through all of that when you could die now instead of 60 years from now. I haven’t spoken or socialized with anyone outside my immediate family or employer in years. I even skipped my grandfathers funeral because I didn’t want to see my cousins. I also don’t seem to have the same range of emotions that most people do. I laugh at inappropriate times, can’t say “I Love You” to anyone, or even happy birthday. I feel like I’m missing something or there is something wrong with me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[devils daughter]

What does interest you? What does have value in daily life for you? If you could spend your time doing those, would that be an OK life for you?

[ryan2011]

Not a lot interests me. The only thing that I kind of like are cars. But I would never want to work in the automotive industry. I don't really value anything in my daily life.

[devils daughter]

Ryan, I went back and looked at your earlier post and you wrote “It all started in the 7th grade. . .” What kinds of things were you interested in before then? Maybe you’re not much interested in anything now because of years and years of depression? Just as a place to start, maybe. Can you remember any happy experiences, at home or with friends? What made them good or enjoyable to you?

[ryan2011]

Before 7th grade I was interested in sports. All I would do is go to school then play sports with my friend. But after 6th grade my friend moved to Las Vegas and I also transferred school districts. So I lost all of my old friends and because I was always shy I was never able to make the same friendships that I had at the previous school. At that point I started to pull back from society.

[devils daughter]

Yay, medlem!

I’m 60+, retired, did my best, maybe not so great but that time is past. I enjoy working in my yard and petting my cats. Don’t know if there’s any purpose in that but (so far as I remember) I didn’t choose to come to earth and I guess I’ll wait until it’s my time to go.

[devils daughter]

Ryan, are you still checking in here? Did what we said help at all? I didn’t want to dismiss your concern about pulling back from society but from what you had written it seemed like maybe it was mostly due to an extremely difficult time in your teens. If you were concerned about a possible personality disorder, I know that your description of yourself might have fit with a couple. My late husband may have been schizoid. He didn’t socialize much (I was the one who spoke first). But he did have a lot of solitary hobbies and interests. I don’t recall him mentioning but one or two friends from his childhood. And from what he said about his early childhood, I think his social shut-down was done before he was 8 years old.

Nevertheless we had a very good marriage, I think. Certainly from my perspective. And there was a time close to the end when he was very ill and the two mostly grown children and I had to help in get into the car to go to the doctor. He looked up at us and said “What did I ever do to deserve this?” No one said anything. There seemed to be no need. But the thought that went through my head was, “Just being you”.

I hope this helps? Please let us know if you’re still reading posts here.

[Willpower]

Your story sounds similar to me from the age of 20-30 but not entirely.

I also had horrible self esteem from being socially bullied but also because I legitimately was pretty damn ugly (from obesity and lack of hygiene due to low self esteem). And so, I had no interest in the vast majority of people. I thought all people judged you all the time, which is only limited in truth. Yes, people do judge but they can also accept fully.

I know people with various very high levels of education that can't find good jobs or any positions at all. The job market is depressing to nearly anyone, that's not a mental issue haha. Still, it's worth while to work towards this to be able to support yourself and be able to live, basically.

I also hate learning about things I don't have much interest in. Always have. College will force you to learn some things you really don't care about, but it should be worth it for the things you do care about. I haven't gone back to school yet but I plan on within the next 2 years or so.

As far as your personal feelings towards your own 'problems' I'm a guy but I actually find girls with mild acne scars attractive. I don't think it's something anyone can figure out, but anyways you should pursue what treatments you can and be realistic about how much it really 'hurts' you. If you have other 'real' issues work on those as well.

Anyways, I also skipped both my grandmothers' funerals. Also felt like I was strange and this world was alien to me and I couldn't understand how things worked. What I learned was I knew pretty much all the wrong people. The only people I had ever known were assholes and jerks. Bad ones. Second was that I could fit in with any stupid group if I tried for long enough.