Dad's Passing

[Solara]

September 2008 my Father passed away from cancer at age 92. His birthday would have been 5 days after his death. I've been emotionally a wreck since then. I have crying spells while driving which is bad since I drive bus for a living. I can't feel right with people now. It's like I don't know how to act or something around them. I feel like crying when I visit my Mom and see all his things laying around the house and his chair, etc.. It's like a black hole inside me. I MISS his so much I feel like I don't know who I am at all. I can't get motivated to do things, to take care of myself and other symptoms I know are from grief but gimmie a break! I've been thinking of seeing a priest or other religious person to help me out with this issue since I don't really like counselors and can't afford it with all my other medical issues.

Obituary for my dad is here...

http://www.buffalonews.com/obituaries/story/447596.html#

I only post it because he was well known in his day and and had an interesting life.

[xenophon]

My father passed away at 91 in Apr 2003; my wife passed away Feb 2004.

I am familiar with the feelings.

I think that it is a good idea to talk with your clergyman.

Also, the internet has good forums for grief information and talking. I liked "groww". Just google "groww". There are others. Hospice is good for this as well.

There is nothing unusual about what you are going through right now.

Just keep doing the best you can.

You can come here and talk some more as well.

Try to take good care of yourself.

[appleby]

Hi Solara,

First of all, I just want to say I am sorry for your loss. It is hard to lose a parent, no matter what their age.

Xenophon offers some great suggestions. I think that with grief -- "the only way out is through", it is normal to have periods of sadness, to be sad when you see his things and remember times spent with him. It's important to be able to express your grief -- whether it's to another person or in other ways like through poetry or art or music. When you are able to "tell your story" at one point of grief, it allows you to move on to the next one and to healing from the loss. The "story" you tell now -- ie what is most present in your mind today is probably different from what was the day after his death, for example. Groww might be a good option, if you can find a group of people there with a similar loss, who you feel you can connect to. Writing here is good too. Journaling and scrapbooking might help.

Some people plan certain times of the week when they will grieve -- In those times they might take out pictures and think about their loved one, allowing for crying and sadness. Planning grieving times can sometimes help to keep it from bubbling up at inopportune times. You can remind yourself that you have a date with yourself to grieve and may be able to put aside some of the immediate emotion.

But if the grief is getting in the way of day to day functioning, it might be worth seeing a psychiatrist to see if an anti-depressant might ease things up a bit. You will still need to grieve -- your dad, who has been in your life -- all your life is no longer here and that is a hard thing to grasp and accept -- even neurologically -- your brain has to adapt to that as well. He's gone and you won't see him, at least in this life. This is different from not seeing him for a while because he was away or you were away etc. There was a way that you always knew that he was there -- and now he's not...

Hospice is a good idea to check out. It is hospice's mission to serve the community in terms of grief and loss. Many hospices offer groups or have a list of free or low-cost groups available to the community. Some offer free counseling -- usually only a couple of sessions, and then they do have information about other counseling options in the community.

Thinking of you, do be gentle with yourself, this is a sad and hard time --

Appleby

[Solara]

Thanks xenophon and appleby for your supportive comments. Much appreciations.

I tried those sites you mentioned but don't like the format of the boards on groww and hospice has soooo many pages to read.... egads.... I just don't have time to get through it all. I really need a counseling group or church person to talk to.. yep.

peace out

[xenophon]

Solara --

A counseling goup or church person is a good idea.

Grief is a very personal trauma. We are all unique.

For the emotional state, it was, for me, akin to a cauldron.

It calmed later on. I expect that it will calm for you.

Take good care of yourself. Keeping busy does help.