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[!] Death of a person; rant, depression


WinterSky
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Well I am on the depressive side of the bipolar spectrum at present. I don't feel like I am in crisis like I was, when my moods and reactions were all over the map. But I feel weepy much of the time, even the slightest thing makes me more emotional. I saw my therapist just now and she said that the lamictal is probably working, and eliminating the antidepressants have caused me to feel more. Like for example when being on the happy pills I didn't cry when my mother died in 2004. I really haven't thought much about her since.

GUITAR INSTRUCTOR WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA [!] HE DIED A TRAGIC DEATH

Lately I've been thinking about a guitar instructor I had in college who was schizophrenic, who died Dec 9, 1983 when he was having a psychotic episode. His name was David. He was in somebody's garage looking for jesus when a cop pulled a shotgun on him. He was unarmed. :eek: She got close enough to him and he pulled it towards him and it went off. I've been crying about this lately. He was mega talented on the guitar and was working on his Ph.D. in guitar performance. I really wish I had known him better. Since I've had mental health problems myself I can relate to what I sensed in him: emotionally flat, paranoia, loss of self (at least I couldn't sense him)... when I was beyond depression I was emotionless and emotionally flat and paranoid. And I felt like a donut hole like my self was missing and no one was home.

THE WRONG FACE FOR MENTAL ILLNESS

Andrea Yates is the wrong face to put to mental illness. I mean, people who commit crimes aren't always mentally ill, and the mentally ill don't always commit crimes. It would be nice to put a realistic face to mental illness, like David. I dream of setting up a website for him so that people can know him for who he was and what he accomplished, not for how he died and for the illness he had.

WANTING TO GO TO A HOTEL FOR A NIGHT

My Therp says that feeling lonely is good for me, and feeling the feelings I am, that it is good as well. At least I am no longer suicidally depressed. I do want to check in to a hotel for an evening just for fun, to get out of my apartment. I would love a place that had a fireplace in the sitting area of the lobby. And perhaps an east window of the room where the sun comes up and shines into the room. I wish I had a new laptop. Mine is 10 years old now but is still in good working condition. It is just slow. :(

BEING DIABETIC

I don't know how I feel about being diabetic. This is new to me. I've been doing everything right. But the risperdal causes weight gain and I need to lose weight. But then the lamictal can cause weight loss. And diabetes can cause weight loss. But then again either having too low or too hight blood glucose can cause your appetite to increase. They say to eat lots of protein.

LONELY HERE

I feel so alone here. I feel that I've developed no friends here. Why do I stay? There is a lack of responses to my posts and a lack of feeling for me I guess. Is there a lack of feelings within me for others? The absence of feelings? Is that it? I certainly am not like that in real life. I just don't know.

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I wish I had words to help you feel better and find yourself. All I can say is I have very similar feelings. Always emotional and the slightest thing can set off a flood of tears. Also having big dreams of protecting people that were never seen as they should. Maybe you should see about making a memorial of sorts. It would give you a purpose and for a good cause. Fight for the things you believe in.

I also agree with you that there are many people that represent mental illness that do not show what an average person who suffers is like. It makes me feel like when I tell people that my family members are bipolar, and I am working with it, that most people don't understand. I know I didn't have a clue when I had a colleague who was bipolar. My idea of the illness was completely wrong and unjustified. But as I've gotten to know what it is like, I wish more people really knew what it is like and had more empathy for those of us with it.

Keep posting your thoughts, maybe just getting them out helps. I don't know what to say about the emotional staleness. I feel like that a lot now, and that no one really knows me, no friends, no purpose. What can we do? Thank you for posting. It gives me hope for myself, for my family, and for you, that there are others with the same feelings. We are NOT alone.

I also think the hotel is a good idea. I have been wanting to get to someplace new for a change, maybe that would help you too.

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Thank you so much for your kindness. I am not sure if it was actually there or not, but I took it as such, and it means a great deal to me.

I wish I had words to help you feel better and find yourself. All I can say is I have very similar feelings. Always emotional and the slightest thing can set off a flood of tears. Also having big dreams of protecting people that were never seen as they should. Maybe you should see about making a memorial of sorts. It would give you a purpose and for a good cause. Fight for the things you believe in.
I also agree with you that there are many people that represent mental illness that do not show what an average person who suffers is like. It makes me feel like when I tell people that my family members are bipolar, and I am working with it, that most people don't understand. I know I didn't have a clue when I had a colleague who was bipolar. My idea of the illness was completely wrong and unjustified. But as I've gotten to know what it is like, I wish more people really knew what it is like and had more empathy for those of us with it.

Lately I dream about setting up a website and calling it by David's full name. But its purpose would not only be to tell his story, but also a place that celebrates the lives of people who have mental illness and how it has affected them. I'd like to put faces with names and diagnoses so that folks who aren't diagnosed with anything don't have to be afraid of it. I'd like for people to tell their stories and talk about what they have overcome and accomplished in their lives. I'd like for people to hear that the mentally ill are just like anybody else in this world, with good days and bad.

The site would have a two-fold purpose: 1) to fight the stigma of mental illness and educate the general population, and 2) get others properly diagnosed and treated whereby they wouldn't otherwise do so because of the stigma.

I have David's sister's phone number but after talking to my therapist she thought that it might not be a good idea for me to call her. But I know that I must really know what I'd do in the scheme of things before I would call her, and it is my decision to make. But whether or not I really do follow through on my dream, I would at least like to hear about David's story. I do know that he had his debut as a classical guitarist in Carnegie Hall.

But how realistic would it be to get people to open up about their illnesses? To be honest, I think this is all just a pipe dream. If I really could make it happen, I couldn't do it alone obviously.

Keep posting your thoughts, maybe just getting them out helps. I don't know what to say about the emotional staleness. I feel like that a lot now, and that no one really knows me, no friends, no purpose. What can we do? Thank you for posting. It gives me hope for myself, for my family, and for you, that there are others with the same feelings. We are NOT alone.

I also think the hotel is a good idea. I have been wanting to get to someplace new for a change, maybe that would help you too.

I feel like no one really knows me in real life as well, and I haven't really had a good friend in a long time. I don't really know anyone well enough to benefit from a simple hug. Personally I hate hugs from strangers. And I can't stand hugs from family members (never had that as a kid until my ex sister-in-law joined the family 25 years ago).

I think that going to a hotel is much cheaper than going to the hospital. But I did do some research this afternoon about an organization here in the medical center that my therapist recommended. I wanted to educate myself on what I'd do in the event of an emergency since things weren't working out during my last several crises. I know where I would go now. I checked out this hospital not too far from me and they said if the situation arises again I could go there and get treatment immediately and not have to sit there waiting like a plugged up volcano.

But I still like the idea of going to a hotel with a room that has an east bedroom where then sun rises and shines inside the room and wakes me up.

Thanks again for your post. :(

P.S. I can do cyberhugs. xxx

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I just received my diagnosis yesterday but I suppose I have known to a degree for sometime...been treated off and on for depression since my early 20's (now 46)...and my PCP said the reason I probably keep taking myself off antidepressants is because I am realizing that I get TOOOOO manic on most of them, especially the SSRI's.

Anyhoo, I guess it is a relief to know and it's not like cancer, although could be considered just as insidious. I am bummed tho cuz I already have the lifelong affliction of fibromyalgia that has so many sterotypes, I have 2 autistic sons (Asperger's syndrome) - and have scored high on screening test on autistic scales myself, making me wonder if I am at least a trait carrier...... and now this. I guess I kinda hope some of my Aspergerish traits may clear up abit if I can get this bipolar thing under control...

side bar...since I am new in town, are there any cute little acronyms or pseudonyms for bipolar disorder that I could use for brevity???

Additionally, I am NOT computer illiterate, however I could use some helpful hints on how to do this community thread thing....especially, if I like someone's post and would like to respond to it "in sequence"....any help would be appreciated in ANY of the above areas.

I can say that at least today I don't feel like I need to check myself in somewhere and I don't feel like checking out, THANK GOD>

Happy Thanksgiving week all... I know holidays are tough for many - including yours truly. We all really do have something to be grateful for :(

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I just received my diagnosis yesterday but I suppose I have known to a degree for sometime...been treated off and on for depression since my early 20's (now 46)...and my PCP said the reason I probably keep taking myself off antidepressants is because I am realizing that I get TOOOOO manic on most of them, especially the SSRI's.

Anyhoo, I guess it is a relief to know and it's not like cancer, although could be considered just as insidious. I am bummed tho cuz I already have the lifelong affliction of fibromyalgia that has so many sterotypes, I have 2 autistic sons (Asperger's syndrome) - and have scored high on screening test on autistic scales myself, making me wonder if I am at least a trait carrier...... and now this. I guess I kinda hope some of my Aspergerish traits may clear up abit if I can get this bipolar thing under control...

side bar...since I am new in town, are there any cute little acronyms or pseudonyms for bipolar disorder that I could use for brevity???

Additionally, I am NOT computer illiterate, however I could use some helpful hints on how to do this community thread thing....especially, if I like someone's post and would like to respond to it "in sequence"....any help would be appreciated in ANY of the above areas.

I can say that at least today I don't feel like I need to check myself in somewhere and I don't feel like checking out, THANK GOD>

Happy Thanksgiving week all... I know holidays are tough for many - including yours truly. We all really do have something to be grateful for :(

Hi SweetCindyLouWho, welcome to the forums. It sounds like you have quite a few challenges on your hands. I don't know of any acronyms for bipolar disorder, perhaps BPD? I do know that on usenet I learned the shorthand for psychiatrist to be pdoc and therapist to be therp. But here I try not to use acronyms because I am not sure if others know about these.

Happy Thanksgiving to you as well! :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I guess acronyms work for me as a member of the healthcare community (nurse) and we use a lot of short hand kind of like acronyms and when writing/typing just makes it go a little quicker. I like the pdoc therp things and may incorportate...I am waiting to even get into a pdoc at this point...have an appt Feb 23, the one I wanted to see doesn't have openings until the end of June so I hope this gal will be ok. I will just have to give it up to my God and trust that He has a plan....

thanks also for "listening" - that is one of the things I really appreciate about this community and another one I belong to...we all seem to see where each other is coming from with out questions or expectations....much less anxiety about communication.

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Don't fully understand them anyway? I know they are shortened letters to form a word/sentence, but half of the time I don't know what they are trying to mean?

My son goes on MSN (messenger) and he will have about five people all at once on the screen, talking to all of them. He said that it helps a lot in these circumstances, as by replying in this language, enables him to carry on having these conversations with this amount of people at the same time?

I must admit though, I use them if I'm in a hurry, trying to reply to a post when I know that I've got some where to go and should of been there like yesterday! LOL.

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