Daddy problems - How cliché

[X_isle]

((Do note, that I first posted this in the "new members post here" section, but since that has very little views, I though I would get a higher variety of feedback posting here. Any opinion is appreciated))

Mostly I'm just wondering if i'm overacting..because it seems like, compared to most people, I have a pretty nice life, However my emotions tell me differently. my main problem is that I don't really have a father figure in my life. Never really did. Although as a kid my dad was involved in my life. He caused almost all of the problems that caused the divorce. Regardless, I don't talk to him that much..So I found that I could use my youth pastor as a father figure, I Hangout with him sometimes..although it's hard to do since i am an extreme introvert and he is extremely extroverted. I'm not suffering too much in my daily life..besides the occasional "can't get to bed" , like today. I get almost straight A's..I'm in Gifted classes..And overall think things are ok, but very often i'll have an overwhelming amount of emotion, that I can only describe as either emptiness or overwhelming want. I mean, When I see a (good) dad with his son, either sitting in church or doing what ever, my heart aches, And I long for that. Al though i hang out with my youth pastor, our "hanging out" will mostly be just playing a video game and including very little talking..if there is anytime with talking..I usually can't keep a conversation going..due to my lack of social skills. I find myself day dreaming about being a little kid and just running up to my youth pastor because i'm scared of something or just want to be hugged by my dad. I yearn to see how your suppose to treat a wife and try to emulate him in almost every way possible. It just seems like "It's not enough" <- That is where i have the problem..I feel I have a lot compared to somepeople and complain that it isn't enough..I mean what if i'm asking for is impossible..most of it probably is. For example i could never be his child. He already has 3 infants, He doesn't have the time or physical ability to be my actual father. I just..Idk..I know i have a lot of insecurities,and when I spend a lot of time with him, they just all go away. Maybe part of it is, is that I know that no matter how close I get to him..He's a youth pastor, with children of his own..I'll never occupy a part of his life that would be equivalent to the part he will occupy in mine. Even if It were to be a perfect father figure relationship...He, being a pastor, will probably have many more people do the same to him..And human nature states that he's ganna pick a favorite..And me being unsocial..How do i stand a chance for that position? Even if I did. He has sons of his own..It's completely understandable, and completely expected...And what i'm asking is most likely too much. But he's the most important person in my life, and He's never ganna love me as much as he loves his own children, but I sure love him more than I do my own dad. Idk...I just ...don't know..I usually have things figured out..This is like..trying to divide by 0..It just doesn't work.. :/

I'm just wondering if you all think I am overreacting. Am I justified in my feelings, or is this something that I just need to learn to accept as fact. Also What do you think I can do to help? Talk to my youth pastor, don't talk to him, etc

Well, Feel free to leave a reponse on your opinon/helpful comment.

Any Help is Appreciated , Thanks

Please, I know this seems pretty mundane, but It is causing me a lot of emotional grief.

Edited April 30, 2012 by X_isle

[X_isle]

Is it that my problem is too mundane? or does no one really have anything to say? I can accept it if you tell me something I don't want to hear. At this point, any response would be great.

[eppursimuove]

more ppl read the forum than answer posts i think, sometimes i read posts and only answer a few or non maybe i dont have nothing to say or dont know about the subject, or i give bad opinions, dont really care, etc. and sometimes theres not a huge activity on the site so u wont get and inmidiat answer.

So u want and opinion, since this friend of yours is a pastor then maybe u can talk about this with him see his point of view, i dont know about pastors but i know priests study like 8 years before becoming priests, 4 of filosofy and 4 about theology, they even study psycology and many other things, and they see during all their life tons of ppl with problems so maybe these type of ppl can be good adivisers sometimes.

i dont speak to my father and i did have a priest friend that i once tough my father sould be more like this man, but at the end dosent matter the reason why u dont like ur father, he is ur father no matter what.

pastors, priest, or what ever their going to be nice obcourse thats what they teach them, how else can they keep ppl under their religion and attract new ones.

Edited May 1, 2012 by eppursimuove

[devils daughter]

Hi again, X_isle,

The way I do things on this site is I’ll see a post and if I am interested and think I may have something to contribute (maybe, maybe not, that’s up to the original poster) then I’ll respond. Sometimes, if I don’t think I have anything to contribute then I’ll leave the post for somebody else to respond to.

Your problem is not too mundane. It is very poignant. You seem to have a good awareness of yourself and your feelings. A lot of time, for me, therapy has been about digging my feelings out of the basement, so to speak, but once I am aware of them they can sometimes be kind of overwhelming. So, at least you are aware of the painfulness of your situation. That’s painful, but better than having the pain buried somewhere.

My take is that you are very justified in your feelings, and they really belong to the (absent) relationship with your father. What can you do about that? Is a relationship with your real father possible? Doesn’t sound like it, but it was a thought. Can/do you discuss your feelings about your real father with your counselor? Can you discuss your feelings about your youth counselor with your counselor?

The fact is, of course, that your youth counselor is not your father. Since your regular counselor is a member of the church do you think that you could ask her about talking with your youth counselor about your feelings? He is probably a great guy but the intensity of your longing is . . . well, intense. Maybe it would go well but if it didn’t then it would probably not be that good. That just my opinion, may be wrong.

The longing for a father is natural and, one might say, God-given. It helps to guide us – to have us seek out a guide – for our own lives. I’m an old lady but as you can probably tell from my username I have had daddy problems of my own. Cliché or not – they can still be an issue. Just the way it is, our stuff, gotta deal with it.

[PAC87]

I just wanted to say that I personally understand what it is you are feeling. I have a very similar situation going on in my life right now and it is not easy without a father. My only advice would be to try and talk to him so that you can better understand yourself. He seems like a very open and understanding person, and as someone with kids, I'm sure he won't judge you. I wish I had something better to say to you, but unfortunately for people like you and me, we will most likely carry this longing for a father through life. Unless you are able to repair your actual relationship with your father, we will always look to someone else. Its only natural to want guidance. The world can be a scary place and we just want what we should've gotten while we were growing up: a decent father to help show us how to live and protect ourselves. I really do understand your pain and I hope you have been able to find comfort since the time of your post.

-P