Intrusive thoughts, ROCD, and possible Paedophilia....

[goobertron]

Hi everyone, as usual I am looking for some help, guidance, reasons to carry on with my current existence. I have a great job, I have a girlfriend who loves me and yet my life seems to sink deeper and deeper into the abyss. My intrusive thoughts are getting worse and worse, and I know the worst thing you can do is to try and push them away but when I explain what they are then hopefully people will see why I am pushing them away rather than accepting them. When I was at university I had an on/off thing with girl A. We were never an item, just had lots of banter and gave each other as good as we got. A few months ago, before I got with my girlfriend we were still in regular contact by text/facebook despite my having graduated from University and moved back to my home, a few hundred miles away. Before I got with my girlfriend, girl A (the one at University) had said to me she was gutted I had moved away and despite never having been an item, said the line "We were meant to be". Now at the time, I partly put it down to youthful exuburance on her part. I thought nothing more of it, and yet now as my intrusive thoughts develop more and more, images and thoughts of this girl come into my head more and more despite the fact I have a life back at home and a girlfriend whom I have been going out with for a few months, whom in moments of clarity I feel I love, or at least am developing feelings that way. Now whenever I am kissing my girlfriend or moving towards kissing her, images of girl A keep popping into my head even though I don't want them to and this wasn't happening until very recently. It is killing me inside because things are going great with my girlfriend, when I have moments of thinking clearly. However, I fear we won't last down to my current mental state. My intrusive thoughts, in addition to thinking about this other girl leave me to be very nervous when walking in public or am in public situations. For instance when I am walking alongside or near a girl, or a girl walks past me. I actively feel I need to move my body away, as part of my thoughts (intrusive ones I hope!!) want the woman to get nearer and brush past me or up against me. I never used to suffer from this and I don't know where this thought process has come from!! If I don't move away from women or make an attempt to then I feel like I have moved towards them and thus cheated. Things got worse today when I was on the train home from work, saw a person walk past me, saw it was a woman, and I wanted her to brush up against me, what the hell is that about!!!!!! I really am scared for my mental sanity as I am gradually losing grip of myself and cannot see a way out. I have a girlfriend who deserves so much better and I feel I cannot go on the way I am feeling. What on earth is the point, when I treat a fantastic woman which such contempt in part of my head. It is almost like I have some form of schizophenia. Also on the same train journey, as I was getting off, a young girl was getting off in front of me, who can't have been older than 16/17, yet I felt such a strong urge to reach out and touch her. This urge was ridiculous, and whilst I know there is the old forbidden fruit idea etc, I cannot fathom the logic behind it. I am losing my mind. Am I some kind of stalker/paedophile. I honestly don't know where to begin. I cannot concentrate when I am at work, and each day I am worse than the previous one. As things stand I really cannot see myself going to work for a while and I really think it is best if I broke up with my girlfriend since she deserves better than this.

[frazzled1]

At the risk of sounding cliche', how is/was your relationship with your Mother? Any sister's? I know you only suffer thoughts like this when you are in a relationship. Why do you think that is? Some part of you seems to be avoiding real issues. In the past when this (the intrusive thoughts) has become bothersome you have ended your relationship? Have the thoughts then gone away? These are important things to know or get to know if you are to get to the root of the problem. That is what is going to help you get through these intrusive thoughts and have a lasting loving relationship.

Keep heart Goober

[goobertron]

Hi Frazzled,

My relationship with my mother has probably been the most important in my life. Whilst both my mum and dad are still around, the predominant part of my bringing up has/was been done by her since she was a housewife and my Dad worked long hours. I am an only child so that be of some significance. Regarding intrusive thoughts and other relationships I don't believe I have suffered from them before in other relationships, but in my one other long term relationship I was constantly questioning my "other-half" so this may have been symptomatic of ROCD (Relationship OCD), despite the fact we may actually have been successful together, who knows, it is in the past now.

[frazzled1]

Perhaps Goober if you have a very strong relationship with your mom then you may see her as "Every woman in the World" so to speak and maybe your feelings toward this girl are becoming a literal transference. Rather than seeing her as every woman, you see every woman as her. Have you ever actually taken the time to take mental notes about these women that you feel the need to avoid? Are they perhaps wearing a color or a scent that acts as a trigger for these thoughts? What other similarities might you be taking in and not taking account of? Where you see them, what they are doing, etc?

This may be way off base but it may be important and you should at least try to think about it.

Good Luck

[goobertron]

Hi Frazzled, well a lot of the time if its they are wearing a certain item of clothing that I find attractive so that is one trigger. I have always have fantasies of dominant women so perhaps that is a trigger, since a lot of women are wearing professional clothing etc and also just generally good looking women are a trigger.