Can't get on with my parents

[goldenduck]

In my entire life I never have got on with my parents except for some short periods, usually following a time where I've kicked off about their behaviour and how it affects me. I know my parents love me in their own way, they provide for me, but they never seem to pay attention to me and seem constantly critical of me.

I'm in my late twenties and despite having a low income I've considered getting away from my parents by moving into a bedsit. Everyone told me I should save until I can buy. Well I did that and eventually I had enough for a house in a high-crime area. Honestly, that seemed like a better place to me. I told my Mum my plans but she persuaded me to not do that because of the area, "continue saving" she told me. So I decided to stay until I had a reason to move out.

That reason was today. I've never been remotely interested in football but I've started thinking about whether I should start since most males seem to like it and it might help me mix with other people. The thing I never got about the sport was how a team was picked, for the first time ever I asked my Dad how he came to choose him team.

Surely a simple question but it started an argument and blurted out "You've already asked me that!" in the voice he puts on as though I'm nothing but an annoyance. I said I hadn't ever asked that question before when he then claimed I'd asked him many times. He then answered his question but his tone of voice was as though he was telling me off. Eventually he said maybe someone at work had asked him but I got no apology for the way I was spoken to.

So there I tried to start a conversation with my Dad about something he was interested in, maybe to built up a common interest and all I got was a load of sh*t in return. This might seem trivial, but it's typical of my Dad and it's the kind of thing I had all though childhood. I was always getting yelled at for something equally ridiculous.

I've come to the conclusion that my parents' mindset is to treat me like garbage; although at the same time they love me. They want to shame me for anything they can, if I somehow succeed in meeting their high expectations of never doing anything wrong they will instead invent things that never happened (like the thing that happened today) and then shame me for them. I'm sure a lot of stuff I got yelled at when I was a kid never happened but my Dad somehow convinced me that I just couldn't remember it. I think maybe he convinces himself that I did something wrong.

So I'm in a situation that I can stay and 'tolerate' the things that put me into the situation I'm in now or I can move into a crime-ridden area. At the moment moving into the crime-ridden area seems like the better option.

[devils daughter]

So I'm in a situation that I can stay and 'tolerate' the things that put me into the situation I'm in now or I can move into a crime-ridden area.

Are you sure that you don’t have more options than that? Did you fully understand the reasons that “Everyone told me I should save until I can buy”? Are you sure those reasons really apply to you, in your current situation?

For instance, I don’t know what the economic situation is in your area but buying a home in the USA these days is now considered somewhat risky because home prices are still going down in some areas.

Even more important, I don’t know if I could sleep well in a high-crime area. In addition to being uncomfortable, I might also feel anxious, which could affect my mental health and my ability to work well at my job.

It’s your life and doing what is best for you may not be what is best for somebody else and vice versa. My opinion, though -- an affordable bedsit in a safe area sounds pretty good to me.

[Angiocath]

Hello goldenduck,

I can relate to that - I too had a very awkward relationship with my parents growing up, my step dad would do the same thing with me - invent events to shame me with and me just standing there with nothing to say, feel bad and lock myself in my room.

I never got along with my parents while i was living with them, and i knew they loved me and all, but i never saw that. It wasn't until i moved out into my own place really far away is when my parents and I started to get along, we actually started seeing eye to eye and stopped being asses to each other. However - I moved out of their house out of spite because i got tired of them and the situation, without going into too much detail - it was not the best of ideas.

Your situation is unpleasant to say the least, I know how crappy it feels, hang in there, and consider the possibility that perhaps the issue is proximity as it was for me, but don't make any rash decisions...they may prove detrimental.

Best of wishes, goldenduck!