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I Am Back-And it's not much better


forpetessake
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Ok I was a quck member here for a very short time before I attempted suicide. I spent a week in the hospital back in the beginning of October, and since then I have been trying to recover my life.

Just as a refresher, I am the alcoholic dude whose wife dumped him. Left me cold one day in Sept, and filed for divorce.

I am still projecting and am on some pretty heavy duty meds. Lexapro and Abilify, but I still have suicidal thoughts from time to time.

I got a phone hooked up in my little apartment and even Directv. I think that being connected to the outside world when I am all alone, will help in my recoveries.

I worry about;

My car

My health

My sanity

I cant make it on my own

My job

Money

Ironically I dont worry about my kids. They are fine.

Turkey Day should be interesting. First time without my kids and first time without my spouse in 23 years of marriage/dating. But I am going to my Mom's.

I still have trouble sleeping. Even though I take sleeping pills, I wake up in a rage of anger and or despair around 2-3am every morning.

I have an appt next week with my Doc....first time I will have seen him since I was discharged.

Anyway....glad to be here. HELP!!!! lol

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Also I think I have been hallucinating a bit. One day shortly after I was out of the hospital, I was working my part time job, and as I was driving, I swear I saw one of the people at a payday loan place I have a loan out with, in a car next to me, laughing and pointing at me. When I went in to talk to her about the loan a week later, I had a breakdown as I thought she was mad at me. She wasnt. And it wasnt her. I am not entirely convinced that what I saw was real.

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It can be helpful to think of the hospital as a container to put yourself into for a while to help yourself hold together during times of extreme stress (such as - for you - what's been going on lately). Glad that you found your way there (or someone helped you there) and also glad that you're back out on your own now in your own place. In order to get on with your life, it's important to feel that you have the potential to have one.

Regarding sleeping problems and anger, etc. I'd say that this is normal stuff given that you are feeling depressed and are grieving. It may be a part of the stuff you are going through, it may be due to medications; it may even be due to changes in your drinking. You can expect to be angry, frightened, etc. back and forth like a crazy monkey for the next few months I would think. It's common during grief.

What's up with your drinking lately? Did they address that in during your hospital stay or was that just for suicide. Are you doing anything to cut down or go sober lately? Alcohol is actually a "depressant" drug, and can contribute to depression. that fact, combined with the way that it will reduce your ability to cope/recover from the blow you've been dealt would make it a good idea to be sober at least for now.

What are you doing to get out of the house and socialize? Or just get out of the house?

How are you handling the inevitable 3am "what the hell is going on in my life" panics when you wake up alone and feel like crap? Do you have any ideas for coping with that sort of thing that you find useful?

Write us please and let us know how you are doing.

Mark

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I made a mild attempt at suicide on a Thursday night. I drank 100 ounces of malt liquor. I then grabbed my bottle of sleeping pills and drove out into the country around 10pm that night. My thought was I was going to find a secluded spot, take the pills and wait to die. I called my wife from my cell phone to tell her goodbye. She talked me down and her last words were, "Go home and sleep it off."

Earlier that day I had found a solution to one of the reasons she gave for wanting the divorce and she told me then that she didnt want to agree to my solution. So that was what prompted my attempt that night.

The next day I called her work to apologize, and the receptionist (mind you, she works at my medical doc's office) told me, she never wanted to talk to me again, and to never call back!!!!!!!!

Well at that point, I thought I had lost everything. I decided my course of action. I worked my part time job thru the weekend, saving up all my tip money and Saturday morning I bought a rope. By Sunday morning, I had found the place I was going to hang myself from. Sunday evening after work, I drove to that spot. Had a suicide note written, had my checkbook, my money the keys to my apartment, storage shed and instructions for whomever found the car, in a box, in the car ready to go. I walked up the hill to the bridge and tied the rope around the siding of the bridge, and, put the rope around my neck. It was at that time, I had an epiphany. I couldnt do this to my kids, even if I never see them again, I couldnt do that. So I climbed down, gathered the rope and went to the er.

While inpatient, they did address the alcohol. I even got a shot for it on the day I left. However...I have drank a couple of times since.

The scary part is, that if I decide to try and off myself again, I have a better plan already to go. So that scares me to an extent.

I find it very difficult to live on my own. I never had before. EVER.

As far as the 3am deals, I just go back to sleep. I wake up in the morning, and start thinking of things I would like to tell my wife. Of course I never ever actually tell her. It's too late for that anyway.

So that's what is up lately.

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I am glad you are still with us.... As for Turkey Day... I will be spending it with Hubs. ( the last in the family left) and my dogs.. But hubs and I are not getting along... so I will be glad to go to sleep tonight.

I think you are suffering grief from loosing your marriage.. this will pass.... it may seem like it never will but it will pass.... and your kids love you..

Keep posting!!

JT

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