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My one year metamorphasis


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So folks, it's been (almost) a year. Today was just a good day for me to post this, and it's been on my todo list so I decided to knock this one out.

For the last several (2 or 3) years before I decided to make this change, and told this forum along side my very few friends (only one I knew in real life) and random online strangers and relatives, my main problem was behavioral. I wasn't suffering extreme anxiety quite like I had been. The reason I didn't go out is because I was used to staying inside (sometimes literally not leaving the house for years on end).

Then about 350-ish days ago I decided all at once to make the change. There was a little build up to the events. I had been running a website, had made a really great online friend that was telling me about the stuff I was missing, but in positive and non-exhausted way. Things were just falling together in some subtle way.

Ever since that day not a single day has gone by where I didn't make some effort in one way or another (physical, actually doing stuff, or occasionally just aggressively trying to sort out my mental problems). I literally went outside that day (for the first time in months if not years) and took a walk, and then again the next day, and the next, and so on. I started eating right, I started planning to getting a driver's license.

Right off the bat I knew I needed more friends, and better friends. At first I started trying to tackle that problem online through social networks like Twitter. Little did I know how valuable that'd be.

I met the very best friend I've ever had in my life by 'stalking' girls to talk to on Twitter. I messaged this girl because we were both gonna be at the same place, and miracles upon miracles we met up. I just saw her, said hi, didn't talk much and left, but that was enough.

Well, I'd created a list of all my accomplishments / firsts in the last year, and I'll list em here. Yeah, maybe this post is more for me, I know what I've done, this is me patting myself on my own back, BUT it also shows what someone can do when they really fight hard with every part of themselves! I considered myself the very lowest, the very most pathetic place you could be. People that played D&D in their mothers' basement would point at me and say "at least I'm nowhere near as bad as that guy" (figuratively, but it could have literally happened if I wasn't hiding indoors literally all the time).

Anyways, here's the list of firsts:

1st time driving a car by myself, first license, first time driving places (3+ hours, hundreds of miles, inside urban areas, etc). I've visited 3 major cities for various reasons on my own. Utterly terrifying to trivial within a very short amount of time. Some city streets still make me a bit nervous though.

1st time I'd tried alcohol (this was actually one of the things my online friend was bugging me about). The first drink I had was offered to me by a girl, and I knew I wanted to try it by then. Since then I've tried a lot of different drinks. I've decided I still don't like alcohol, but at least now I know all the reasons why.

1st times regarding girls: first female friends, first date of my life (actually dated 10 different girls this year), first time holding hands, making out, different kinds of sex. First time at a girl's place, first time sleeping with one, cuddling, first time for a girl on my bed, girl in my room, blah blah blah. Dated utterly beautiful girls, smart girls, interesting girls, and ones I didn't care much for. Zero to quite successful with multiple girls within a year, and things are looking quite good for the near future still. (specifically trying to find one I really want a relationship with, and not settling at all. Dream girls only.)

1st times at events: my first 'loud' concerts, that is to say not orchestras, but high volume intense music like techno. my first Renn Faire, my first geek convention. First time having a hotel room by myself.

Weight loss: I lost over 140 lbs this year and I'm now within 20 or so pounds of what my doctor says my 'ideal' weight is. This is the first time I've ever been skinny in my life.

Exercise: I'm jogging the fastest miles in my life by MINUTES, I'm going further and faster than I ever imagined possible. Also weight lifting, gym membership, blah blah.

Anyways, there's obviously a lot of small things like going to the store by myself to buy my own clothes, having my own money account, having some success on Youtube, meeting those D&D friends, hell, even the first time I've stayed overnight at a friend's place...

Where do I go from here? I still want to get my writing published, it's good but not where I'm satisfied yet. I want to go back to school. I want to find that relationship I'm looking for. I want to continue to enjoy my life and do various things. I want to help others. I want to become quite fit, maybe even take up a sport. And obviously a big one is I want to move out.

It's impossible to deny some of the advantages I've had through all this. My family is extraordinarily lucky in that we have the money to support me and none of us work, especially. I know most people don't have anywhere near that stroke of luck from the start.

Well, I don't know what else to say. It's a beautiful day out and I'm going to take a walk (as always). I've got fun plans this weekend with a friend and a girl I'm dating.

I'm just one person whose mental problems completely isolated me from the world. Once the worst symptoms were over I seized every opportunity I could because I knew I probably wouldn't have another chance. There have been a lot of hard times of all different kinds since I started, but I knew that never giving up was key, now that there was any hope at all.

The key in life is seizing those opportunities and never ever letting fear hold you back. Fear is one of the most useless things in the modern world. We don't have tigers crawling on buildings. There isn't constant firefights outside going on unless you live in a very particular part of the world. When you have an opportunity don't be afraid of feeling bad because you failed, because you will fail. But in time, if you keep getting back up for more, you will master it, whatever it is.

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I just wanted to tell you congrats on taking control! I too decided to regain control of my life almost 2 years ago. I no longer drink or do drugs, I have since I had a beautiful daughter and I have only suffered from serious anxiety for about a 2 week period during these past 2 years (post partum, but I almost felt that was 'normal' to experience for the 1st time in my life). Keep up the good work, it is a wonderful feeling. Congratulations!

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