Depressed, chronic suicidal ideation +++

[Desiree]

I am 45 years old and I survived a suicide attempt exactly 17 months ago. I have been seeing a therapist since my attempt and have been diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder.

I seem to remain "obssessed" with taking my life although I don't feel as if I am really depressed.

I do have a distorted body image and have an addictive personality. I am currently clean (for 3 months) from cocaine addiction. I have been to rehab for dope addiction but I am still addicted and it has become part of who I am.

I have multiple sclerosis and the dope helps a bit for the pain but I smoke because I am addicted and I can't deal with life without being stoned.

Any advice for someone who is behaving like a rebellious teenager.

Desiree

[jimmyfay2]

You may be behaving like a rebelious teenager, but you are thinking like a responsible adult. You have reason to be proud of that. I don't have any quick fixes or simple answers for you, but I do have some words I hope may provide comfort. Getting off of anything, booze, drugs, relationships etc, takes time and a strange kind of effort. The effort comes from learning how to just let things happen. It is SO hard for addictive people to just let things be... to let time pass... we always feel the need to do something, even if that something is bad for us. Know what I mean? I have been struggling with feeling like I need to fix myself RIGHT NOW!!! That flies in the face of what I really need, which is to be kind and gentle to myself as I get over my addiction... and more important, to let my body heal at it's own rate. I figured once I gave up my addiction, I'd have an adjustment period that would be rough, but I didn't expect it to be so up and down. On top of the world on moment, then crashing down in flames the next. I've learned to let it happen... and to not rush it. I've also realized that the reason I am so impatient is because I know there is a 'good place' that I am trying to get back to. Does that make sense? If we didn't know there was a peaceful, calm center that we want to get back to, we wouldn't be so frustrated that we are not there while we are struggling.

The other thing I have had to learn to do is be ok with being uncomfortable. I have a friend who lost her battle with leukemia when she was 21. She had been diagnosed at 10, got better, got worse, fought it, then left us, but she had this incredible ability to simply let the cancer do it's thing while she did her thing. Her thing was to just be... to enjoy the life she had for as long as she was going to have it, and to float through the pain. My grandfather did the same thing... truly magnificent to watch. I used to judge myself against their selfless suffering, and would beat myself up for being a loser... then I realized that they gave me a gift... and it is now up to me to use their example in my own life... to learn to float through the pain. To be ok with not being ok. To be kind to that part of me that is at the center of the storm, that part that remains untouched by the chaos and madness that can be all around us at times.

Like I said, there are no quick fixes for your situation, but there is always hope, even when you can't feel it. The best advice I can give is to let the madness wash over you, safe in the knowledge that it WILL go away, someday. You may not be able to control when peace will come back to you, but you can learn to make peace with the madness until you get back to the calm center.

I hope this helps... if not right now, then when you look back on how you got through the pain you are in right now.

Take care, and know that there are people who care about you, even though we don't know you, you are a part of our lives now, and you matter to us. That is why I am reaching back to you... a stranger. I want you to be ok, and I want to do what I can to help you get there.

Keep on writing... I know it helps me.

-Jimmyfay2

[Desiree]

Today I feel like I am really depressed and when I get like this, I want to withdraw from everyone, which I have practically done anyway. I don't want to feel the way I do but it doesn't seem to change.

I take my medication regularly but it doesn't prevent me from having suicidal thoughts at times. I feel like I am living with a death sentence hanging over my head because I know that one day an attempt is going to work but I just don't know when.

How do I stop getting so depressed that I want to make an attempt?

Desiree

[Celeste]

Hey Desiree,

I just saw that your post was from today and wanted to be here if you were still around and needed to talk to someone. I understand depression... I can give you a few suggestions to your question about stopping it, but isn't that what everyone wants to know? I know that I would worship the person who figured that one out.

One thing that I do (and there's a really good chance that this is an individual thing, so I may not be being helpful at all) is force myself to be around someone, even if it's only one person. When I'm really depressed I isolate myself somewhere where I can't be found, but what I really need is to be around people who genuinely care for me. I often feel overwhelming loneliness, but making myself be around someone that knows I'm struggling and wants to help - even if it's only through their very presence - helps me out a lot.

Hope you're feeling better by now... Let me know if I can do anything to help you while you're down, okay?

Celeste