Fighting the demons within me

[TimWake993]

Hello everyone,

Sorry for not writing for a while, i've been feeling better these past few weeks, and decided to just try to forget about my entire mental breakdown, not literally of course, but just make it less hurtful by not thinking about it for a bit, if you understand what i mean.

Anyways, i have understood that, i can only be myself, that i cannot pretend or roleplay my life any longer. I also understood that i cannot forget my past, that i cannot run away from it forever, that its part of me. And the only thing i can do is use it all as a learning experience to improve myself, not make those mistakes that i've made in the past.

Still i acknowledged that there are a lot of things that i do wrong, a lot of bad habits that seem like they're fine but that make my life worse on an everyday basis. And that's what i want to fix, i want to live a life with no regrets, no compromises, i want to be satisfied and proud with everything that i do, even the little things like brushing my teeth twice a day instead of once. I mean, i KNOW that its the right thing, so why don't i do it? Laziness? Lack of care? I just want to have a normal, healthy life and not just live doing whatever i want, letting my actions be controlled by my gut feeling.

So i told myself, alright starting on July 4th, i will adopt these "new resolutions". Kind of like people do on New Year's. I would start eating healthy, i'd have a healthy routine (no more going to bed at 5am ), i'd try to be more helpful around the house, apply myself more at work, etc.

But...it didn't work out.

I can't even explain how or why it didn't... i am writing this now and i'm not depressed, maybe a bit disappointed and guilty, but not sad.

Everything was going along fine, i wasn't doing anything wrong, i was being myself, just trying to do all of those little things. But i just felt so weird and uncomfortable inside of myself. Like i was, once again, not being myself. Its like that "brand new life" thing that used to haunt me in the past had crept up on me again, but i knew inside of myself that it wasn't like that anymore, but my soul felt like it was, this is about the best that i can explain it, sorry if its unclear.

I don't know what to do. I can't understand my own self. What exactly do those feelings mean?

Maybe its as simple as me trying to change my life too much all at once? Maybe i should do it progressively, like try to adopt a healthy routine of going to bed/waking up at the same time every day, then once its become the norm start eating healthy, and so on?

Maybe its because i had once again set myself up with a particular date, July 4th, to start doing it all? That's something i would have done in the past so maybe my sub-consciousness thought that by doing that i was once again going back to that "brand new life" concept rather then simply being myself?

Maybe, and that's the slightly more scary idea, i don't want to change? Maybe by pushing myself to change i am just needlessly hurting my own self, and i should stop. And just let life change me instead of trying to change my life?

[Endlessnight]

Hello. Don't be hard on yourself, depression makes it very hard to be able to carry through with things no matter how much we want them. Believe me, I know. I don't know how many times I say I will change, I will be a better person, but sooner or later I just stop, give up, whatever you want to call it. I'm not saying we are exactly the same, I'm just saying I understand and I know that changing isn't easy by any means. I don't know if pushing ourselves is the right thing - it might be for you. I know I have been unable to. I try and try then I just feel what's the point? I admire that you are trying though, don't give up on that. I wish you better luck than I have had and I wish you the best. Take care.

[TimWake993]

Thanks for replying

I think that the first and the biggest step to improving ourselves is to simply accept ourselves for who we are. Accept all of our strengths and weaknesses, accept our past for what it is and that we cannot change it. Because in my view when we try to change without accepting us for who we are first, we are effectively running away from ourselves.

And most importantly, we need to love ourselves for who we are. Accept that we have weaknesses, that we will never be able to satisfy everyone. Accept that sometimes we will make mistakes, accept that we are not perfect but that we also don't have to be.

Only now 2-3 years later am i beginning to understand what has hapenned to me. When i was socially rejected, mocked and ridiculed in high school, i thought to myself, if those people don't like me for who i am, maybe if i become somebody else, they will? That's what started this entire "disorder" for me. I literally wanted to change every single thing about me, become a whole different man.

I have finally understood all of that just last night actually. So now i just want to go back to being 100% myself, and move on from there. Look at my life from a critical point of view, and see if i want to change or do anything about myself after that, rather then try to change everything at once by trying to become somebody else.

And ironically enough i don't quite feel like myself right now. So when i feel like myself i can't help but wish to feel different, but when i do feel different i want to feel like myself.

There's this feeling of discomfort inside of me that i just can't explain. Hopefully it goes away soon enough and i can finally start living again.

[Zigadenus]

The changes you make in you life need to be for yourself, not for anyone else. For me, the best way to start was with small things, one at a time. Do the things that are easier to begin with, let the hard stuff come in when you have had some practice. Change is often difficult, and it is not unusual to have "hiccups" in the process. That is part of life. The whole point is to learn and grow for yourself. It might help to keep a journal of what you are working on and how things go from day to day. That way you can look back and see how far you have come and what you have learned. Some things you may have to force yourself to do. Those things are, for me, the ones that cause the greatest anxiety. Remember than anxiety and most negative feelings are based on emotions that are not reality. Remember to stop and center yourself and calm your mind before you get too far into the anxiety. The human mind is a wonderful thing, but it really only knows what we tell it. Remember that your anxiety, your "fight or flight" system is just chemicals, and that you have the power within you to overcome them.

I hope this helps. Take Good Care of Yourself.

[TimWake993]

Thanks for replying

I really understand what you mean about overcoming various things, and that changing yourself is never easy. But something that also needs to be asked is: Do we really need to change ourselves? For such a long time i told myself that in my "brand new life" i would be a nicer, more caring person. But now that i'm in the process of accepting myself for who i am, i constantly ask myself: Do i really need this? Or am i already a very nice and caring person, but i just don't really notice it?

Of course i have my shortcomings, everyone does. I have a rather short temper, and i tend to say stupid things without really meaning it. But that's just a part of who i am, and i don't really think it makes me a bad person.

Still its hard. I spent the past 2-3 years vilifying myself for every little thing i did wrong. So now that i'm trying to accept myself for who i am, and i need to do the opposite, its just difficult. Its difficult to overcome certain preconceived notions and prejudices that i have against my own behaviour. Difficult to make myself believe that what i am doing is right, and not wrong like i always used to think.

Still i think i'm feeling better each day. Thanks everyone for your support.

[dburney]

I understand where you're coming from. For me the trick was recognizing what really needed to change. I was in a bad place for a long time. Unable to be happy, unable to be grateful for all that I had. Now that it has all come crashing down I'm forced to re-evaluate things on a level I never thought I would be able to. I don't think it's about correcting the shortcomings as it is realizing which ones are doing the most damage. Which ones are holding you back. As you progressively work toward the root of those issues, other things just fall into place.

You mention your temper, while it may not be a shortcoming that you think needs to be addressed, what happens if you try to establish the motives for losing your temper so quickly? I found that by addressing my motives - without judgement, I was able to see the irrational patterns of thought that cause many of my reactions. Yes, learn to love yourself. Learn to be okay with who you are. But that also means looking into the mirror and staring down the ugly parts to - if you do it honestly. And instead of criticizing yourself, reflect on how those ugly parts became a part of you. Is it something you want to carry around with you? Personally, I don't. Not because I'm rejecting the person that I am, but because I genuinely want to grow and extend compassion. Be rid of the anger and fear and anxieties and insecurities that I've carried around and ignored for so long.

I'm glad you're feeling better. Keep up the good work. But don't be to hard on yourself - arbitrary dates to accomplish this or that can be self-defeating. Start out small. This site has been a great influence on me and trying to simplify things so that I am proud of the things I accomplish - because they're things that I want to be doing. Things I can be passionate about. http://zenhabits.net/start/

Hope you keep doing well!