new here, quick question on where to get help

[Silver]

I thought I'd register and ask for help here since I'm at a loss finding it on my own...and I have a tendency to forget to look for it once my mood changes.

I don't know exactly what to say. I have no idea what to do if I do find help. I don't know what exactly to tell a professional.

I've had a personality issue for a few years but recently I can tell it's getting worse and I'm having trouble controlling irrational and/or overpowering feelings. I find myself working against myself, even as I type this right now. Now everytime I emotionally react to anything, I questions myself. I see both sides and niether wins.

My life has literally frozen in place. Nothing's changing because I don't know what thoughts in my head I can trust. If anything my irrational behaviors have driven almost everyone I know away. My friends and family are gone and I'm all alone.

I need to find help but don't know how. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Silver,

I find myself needing more information before I can comment and I assume that is true of the others in the forum.

What exactly is the nature of the "personality problem" you mention and just what is getting worse? Do you get angry or is it hard to make decisions or other types of things like those? Are you married, do you have children? Do you work? Do you experience anxiety or depression or both? Please try to tell us more.

Allan:confused:

[WinterSky]

...I'm having trouble controlling irrational and/or overpowering feelings. I find myself working against myself, even as I type this right now. Now everytime I emotionally react to anything, I questions myself. I see both sides and niether wins.

My life has literally frozen in place. Nothing's changing because I don't know what thoughts in my head I can trust. If anything my irrational behaviors have driven almost everyone I know away. My friends and family are gone and I'm all alone.

Hello and welcome to the forums! I can certainly relate to the irrational feelings and reacting badly. One thing I learned from my therapist is that there is always more than one way of looking at things. But what I think you are describing in that you "see both sides and neither wins", is that there is the limiting belief that there is only one way in addition to there being the way in which doesn't work for us, thus is the reason why we look for another way. I hope that wasn't too confusing?? There is always more than just black and white.

When I am in that sort of situation, I make a list of options and determine which might work best (when I remember to). That isn't to say I don't forget the coping skills that I have learned from my therapist. It takes continued work.

Also please know that we are never completely alone. It might feel that way at times. But if only it were as easy as just walking out the front door as there are people everywhere. But I realize it is not that easy.

I hope that you find someone to work with in real life. I wish you the best.

[Silver]

Silver,

I find myself needing more information before I can comment and I assume that is true of the others in the forum.

What exactly is the nature of the "personality problem" you mention and just what is getting worse? Do you get angry or is it hard to make decisions or other types of things like those? Are you married, do you have children? Do you work? Do you experience anxiety or depression or both? Please try to tell us more.

Allan:confused:

From what I've been reading it sounds like BPD. I have just recently become aware that something is wrong. I wasn;t able to admit it before nut I know somethign is wrong.

I can feel my mood change and I become negative and snappy sometimes. I used to try to justify being angry but when the episode is over with I feel like an asshole, for lack of a better term, and looking back there is often little or no reason for becoming angry. I live alone, but have had a girl friend for about 6 months who doesn't live with me. I work but have been having trouble holding a job for longer than a handful of months.

I'll be at work and get hit with a wave of complete apathy. I know I have bills and obligations and I just won't care, I fell justified in just leaving but afterwards I don't remember my reason for getting upset and start regretting it. Recently I've been holding at least 2 parttime jobs incase I walk out or get angry I will still have some income.

My other type of mood swing if you wanna call it that is much harder to describe and much more devastating for me, or my pride, to deal with. These usually follow periods of unexplicable or barely explicable anger. I get confused, my mind races so quickly that I can barely pick out lucid thoughts. I end up crying and felling like I want someone there. I can't explain why I feel that way, I feel anxiety when asked what is going on and I can't explain it to anyone.

I have, in retrospect, realized that I used to use logic to explain away these feelings and quell them but since about this time last year I've been increasingly unable to control my feelings and my reactions. I used to have control over these feelings as soon as they popped up but since last year I haven't realized what's going on(mood change) until it's too late and if I do I end up literally arguing with myself. Thoughts on both sides of an issue, both seeming equally valid and I end up not knowing what to do.

I have finally admitted to myself I have an issue. As much as don't want to admit it. So now that I have the desire to seek help, I don't know where to go and I don't have any health insurance to pay for it if I do find it. I just don't know what my options are.