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Had Enough.


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Well here I am, sitting awake at night, silently crying my eyes out and thinking where did it all go wrong?

Many thoughts running through my head at the moment including thoughts of suicide and suicide notes etc. Then I picture my family and friends faces and feel extremely guilty for feeling these thoughts.

Basic back story is I am susceptible to bouts of depression, college lecturer reffered me for counselling/anger management when I was 16-17, and also self harmed at this point in time.

Things seemed to improved after this although I still had the occasional sad thought I could cope with it better, no suicidal thoughts every night, the emotional blow ups of anger got fewer and fewer until it only succumbed to 1-2 times a year and I released it in an acceptable way depending on my surroundings. Got myself back on track returned to education to finish my goal of becoming a nurse.

All was fine and well up until April this year, I was doing brilliant at college, had my placement which I loved, got accepted into two universities and was looking forward to getting my degree! I also started a new job, I had been doing this type of job since I was 18, and had always been told aside from my brashness and loudness I was excellent at it.

Then one shift an older woman who had only been working in the sector for 2 WEEKS and compared to all my education and training I HAVE knew JACK S*IT about what she was doing. Took a disliking to me and basically decided to lie about me, not just over anything though, she said I done something terrible! I got arrested and formally charged for it, I am awaiting a court date. I have had to put my life on hold, defer my university places (even that F**ked up!), I'm 22 and she has basically ruined my career before I have even had the chance to get it! It is a serious offence and if found guilty I could go to jail for something I never done! I got pulled out of my placement as the college was informed, but my head lecturer told me that I WOULD still be attending class and she WILL be seeing me at graduation, which gave me the motivation to complete the course, it was hard concentrating and trying to write essays but I managed to do it and pass with the highest grade in my class. I am now looking for work, but because all my experience/qualifications are in one sector I am finding it hard, I am not banned from working in the sector but who would want to employ someone in the capacity with this hanging over their heads. So it's basically most days myself and my thoughts day to day which is dangerous.

I have a lot of professionals that have agreed to back me (doctors, nurses, seniors etc etc, suppose perks of me being experienced!) All of this does not make the fact any better though! I still constantly think about it, it's effecting my day to day life, I just want to give up. I wish that cruel vile woman could feel even just an ounce of how I feel right now and know what she is doing to me. I am literally falling apart at the seams and feel that if I think any more my head will implode (maybe that's why I am getting sore heads!) I have also lost wuite a lot of weight,I was over weight anyway, but the rapidness of the weight loss can't be good surely (over 2st in 8 weeks??).

I know I need to go to the doctors but I suppose that would be like me admitting defeat, and I am not one for openly admitting defeat. My friends know about my situation, but I am quite closed with serious emotions like this, why would they want to hang around with me anyway if all I was was depressed and talked about the case all the time, I think it would grind them after a while. So I just put on my happy façade (years of experience has taught me well) with a smile on my face and try and grind on with things. I constantly think about it though, distraction doesn't work, and no amount of talking will make it go away. Even when it is done it is something I am going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

I have managed not to self harm, actually very rarely think about it. I mainly just think, what's the point in this life if all it is going to do is f*ck me over every time I start to get back on track. The lecturer that sent me to my counselling could read me like a book, and is the first and only person that has been able to know how I feel without me even saying a word, no matter how happy I acted she always knew. Sometimes I wish I had another person in my life like this again so I wouldn't actually have to openly admit that I am struggling and I need help, see through all the jokes I make about the situation and look deeper. Can't have it all though I suppose.

Sorry for the essay, and the fact it might have been jumbled a little, just kind of needed to get it out. Has anyone been to the doctors, any tips on how to muster up the courage to say something to them, and what to begin with??

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I am so, so sorry that you are going through this.

Are you afraid that if you go to a counselor then that could impact the outcome of your case? It seems understandable to me that being falsely accused of a crime would be very upsetting. What does your lawyer say about it? It doesn’t seem to me that you would be admitting “defeat” to ask for some help.

I’m glad that you could write here and get it out. That’s part of what we’re here for.

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My lawyer seems quite positive, he said it looks like it's my word against hers, hopefully my word will hold more value with my experience, education and the professionals I have backing me though. She has already told two different version of events to the manager. Also my lawyer said (when I first got detained) that the stories didn't match up.

I still need to contact my lawyer to discuss the full investigation report with him, which I will probably do next week at some point.

Suppose going to a counsellor could impact it, but in a way it could help as well, because I am not the one who is lying and it would prove how much it has effected me. I really don't want to be dependent on anti-depressants though if I go to my doctor, that's my worry. Sometimes I think I would be better on them, then other times I really don't want to be on them. Also being referred to a counsellor can take anything up to 18 weeks where I am, even when rushed through it is anything up to 8 weeks. I'll make a doctors appointment on Monday and see how it goes and what they suggest would be the best course of action for the situation.

I can't even walk around by myself (I Iive in quite a small town), and if I do I am constantly paranoid that I might bump into someone that potentially knows about it, feel like I am walking around with a big red arrow over my head pointing down at me. So I hardly go out any more.

Urgh, it's a mess!

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