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Worried Mother of 5
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I am a caregiver for an elderly couple in their 80's that have been married for over 50 years... January 27th makes a year that I have been taking care of them. I think it is wonderful to have such a subject in a forum... second one now that I have found to appreciate in the mental help net community! Thanks Mental Help Community and I hope to find more caregivers of the elderly to chat with! :o

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Worried mother:

Can you tell us what it has been like for you, over the past year, to care for an elderly couple? It must be difficult, at least, at times.

Also, what about your personal experiences with parents and grandparents and your aging process (I know you are still young)?

Allan

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I can tell you what its been like for me over the past year Allan! I feel like I've aged about 100 years? Not in looks, but in mind, spirit & soal!

Things just feel so different? Not in the happier way no, but... I don't know, different? I don't know whether its a good thing or a bad thing? Lets say for know, its a good thing! How long it last, only god knows... But if I know god like I used to know him then it won't be long??? But you never know? At least I'm not left in chicken limbo like I was before!!!

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Guest ASchwartz

Paula,

Yes, things can feel that way but the idea is for each of us to keep trying. Besides, there must have been some good feelings and some good things over the past year?

Allan:)

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To be honest, I can't think of any good times? Not like I used too?

Do you know what really does my head in? Well let me tell you! Sit back and read!

It all started when I got raped! Coming up for ten years on Boxing day night! So I suppose thats why I hate xmas so much? Anyway, I went on a downer! Which is expected, under the circumstances! Well I didn't want to talk to anyone about that night, not even the Police! But I knew I had to talk to them! Anyway, I told them what I was up to telling them! Even up untill this day, I haven't told a single soul all the glorified details, and don't intend telling anyone either! Think that could be one of the problems? I mean, I wouldn't even go to counciling! Had it in my mind that there was no way that I was going to sit infront of someone I didn't even know? And tell them all the glorified details of that night, for him to turn round and say that he understands? Because he doesn't understand! Untill you've been through it yourself, then you don't understand! And it frustrates me when they sit there blatently, wanting you to tell them your problems! There not bothered!To them its just a job!

When I got took to the police station, after the police had picked me up, from a call of a passerby. I can remember like it was yesterday! I got examined, internally & out. I felt worst when the Police woman examined me internally and took swabs for this and swabs for that, than I did when the incident happened! I just felt so cheap! By the way, I was gang raped by 5 men, who up till this day, have never been caught! All this happened in the next town to where I live.

Nearly three years ago was the first time that I went near this town. That was only because the hospital where I got admitted to for trying to commit suicide, was on the other side of this town from where I live, so the ambulance had to drive through to get to the hospital. I've been through it again since, two more times, and that again was trying to take my own life and just recently with the hospital stay that I've just had!

Anyway, back to the point! When I was raped, my family knew about it, but I told them that I didn't want any of my sons to know? My eldest was 16 & my youngest was 11.

I never got a kiss my arse or anything of my family, and when I had a barny with them one year not to long after, they all implied that they didn't want to invade my privacy! Saying that, they was there if ever I needed them? That was the biggest load of bullshit that I had ever heard! And I told them too! Which didn't go down to well but stuff em!

Then I got robbed 5 months later, which added to my problems of previous. (being raped!) It took me a long time to come to terms with that because with the police never finding any of these lads, made me believe that my robbery had something to do with them, and they was stalking me because I had gone to the police! Do you know, my youngest who was eleven at the time, wouldn't sleep on his own because he was frightened! Not about the men who was involved with the rape! He didn't know anything about that? No! The robber's! He used to sleep in bed next to me with a plastic gun under his pillow! He said that he would kill them with this gun if they came near my house! Can you imagine how I felt? Listen, anyone can do anything they want to me, but when it starts affecting my son like it did, well thats when it hurt & I mean really hurt!

Thats when I first started losing the plot! I used to do strange things! I went out one night and took my eldest sons air rifle and stood in the middle of the road, in the centre of the town where I live and held up all the traffic with this gun and threatened to kill everyone. The next event was like a dream. I had gotten into my car, in the middle of the night and started driving on the motorway. The next thing, it was like I said, waking up from a dream? I was on the hard shoulder, my car stopped, no engine running, and I hadn't a clue where I was or how I'd got there? Aparantly, I was 5 miles outside London. Why London. I don't know?

Do you know, my youngest after that, wouldn't leave my site. Wouldn't even play out with his friends incase I left him again on his own? The best of it is, I can't even remember any of the incidents that happened, even up until this day? I'm going of what I've been told!

Again,where was my family & friends? Now can you understand why I'm so bitter about my family, and won't even allow myself to have friends!

What I am getting at is: I received a txt message of a girl I knew in these times, the other morning. Telling me that she misses me. WHAT! AFTER NEARLY TEN YEARS! It whent on to say that she's split up with her husband a few weeks ago, and could do with cheering up. Would I give her a ring when I've got time asap?

Nothing of the mention of where was she when I needed her, I'm sorry to hear of your loss? NO! Thinking of herself as usual! Well I didn't get intouch with her, and I won't get intouch with her! Has far as I'm concerned, she can kiss my arse goodbye! TROLLOP! Like the rest of em! Like I said in a previous post, I am going to come back as a bird, so I can shit on all them, that have shit on me! Looks like I'm going to be doing a hell of a lot of shitting!

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Guest ASchwartz

Paula,

You really have been through a lot: too much for one person. Yes, I now have a clearer picture. I can really understand your fury at your family and wanting to protect your kids. Frankly, I think you have shown amazing strength in dealing with all of this...and by yourself, at that.

I am very sorry such terrible things happened to you and I know that "sorry" does not take it away.

Allan:(

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Hi Allan

No, sorry doesn't take it away, but listening does help a great deal!

Do you know Allan, your the first person that I've gone into this much depth about that night! I know that I only covered the outline of events, but do you know how that makes me feel? Phewww! Like a great big chip has started to move (rock a little).

Please don't ask me to go and see someone who's professional, that can deal with these issues, because I can't! I have only told you because you are over the other side of the world to me, never met me or spoke to me and you don't know me as such, only of this site? And honestly Allan, I'm not all bad!

May the lord drop his wooden clogs on me if I'm not telling you the truth! I just get frustrated sometimes and lash out! Sorry! I don't mean too, but half of the time I'm feeling alright and the other half I'm feeling really down! I think thats why I go of the rails a bit? Trying to get rid of all this anger inside of me?

Sometimes my head's that cabbaged, that everything is going on in my head that has happened to me and I can't handle it?

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Guest ASchwartz

Paula,

Of course you are not all bad. In fact, you have plenty that is good inside of you and I see it in your posts. Yes, you do get frustrated and lash out...but only sometimes.

Anyway, I won't suggest you go into psychotherapy. I am glad you are feeling that chip begin to move. Yes, the big pond is between us but, humanity unites us. (does that sound corny???:) )

Allan

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Ha Ha! Very funny!

You say only sometimes that I lash out, who are you trying to kid? Have you been blind these last couple of months or are you just being nice? If it's the Allan that I've acustomed to know, then it's the later part of the sentence! But I do thank you all the same.

Allan, could I please ask you a question? I understand that you cannot give me a true answer, but could you give me one that's to the best of your knowledge!

I am seeing my Psychiatrist on Friday morning and am dreading the thought of seeing him! You are aware of the problems that I face, when I have to attend these Appointments. Not just my Psychiatrist, but anyone with any Authority over me!

Even though I was in Hospital, just over a week ago, I see the Consultant when I'm an inmate (in hospital, so to speak). But everytime I have been discharged from hospital, I only ever get to see his understudy, who is alright, but still cannot tell my true thoughts, that are playing havok with my Mental state of mind! So feel that these Doctors are not getting a true valuation of how I'm feeling? Down to myself!

Anyway, back in May of this Year, I was involved in a RTA, which I was sandwiched inbetween two cars (me being in the middle). At the time of the RTA (afterwards) I was badly shaken, but alright. So I thought! But the next day, I couldn't get out of bed with pains in my neck and lower back.

To cut a long story short. Every morning since the RTA, I have to get my son to assist me out of bed because of this excruciating pain in my lower back and down both legs to my knee's. My Doctor thinks it's Siatica along with my self. Brought on by the RTA. But my Physiotherapist thinks differently? He suggest its Whiplash. He has given me exercises to do several times a day and also tried several treatments of Acopuncture, which all have done nothing to help the pain. (I am on medication for the pain, which I take 3x times a day, DICLOFLEX 50mg)

Because nothing seems to be helping, the Physiotherapist has referred me to an exercise program for 12 weeks to see if that will help the situation. After going for the firt time which entailed filling out several forms with the Coach and taking my Blood Pressure & Heart Rate, Told me that I was not suitable for the program, as my Blood Pressure was to high and my Heart rate was to fast. He explained that he will have to do my B/P & H/R 3x consequtive times to get a fair reading, and every time he did it, it was ever so slightly, up from the previous reading. He said that if my H/R would of been on the border line of 100/80 then he might of risked it but my H/R was 119/80 (average) & said that there was no possibillity that he could take that chance with that rate. He gave me a letter, that I had to give my Doctor (wich I have) and said when they get these under control, then I was to re-apply, again through my Physio.

On giving the letter to my doctor, and again, he taking my B/P & H/R, That again these was to high/fast. I don't know what my B/P was but my H/R had gone up to 122/80. I'm saying over 80, I just going of the Coach's bottom line of reading

I know I've gone all around the houses here, but my question is: Why the concern over my B/P & H/R at being that high? And why can you think it is that high? Also, what should it be in a Healthy person? (reading).

My Doc seems to think that it could have something to do with the Depression & Anxiety, among other mental health problems (eg- stress, insomnia, bi-polar) that I am suffering with? Do you think it could have anything to do with the change of medication that I'm on? My doc has booked me in "again" for more Blood test, to try and get to the underlying problem, but I don't go till the 29th of this month for the blood test to be done!

I would appreciate any information regards these problems.

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To be honest, I can't think of any good times? Not like I used too?

Do you know what really does my head in? Well let me tell you! Sit back and read!

It all started when I got raped! Coming up for ten years on Boxing day night! So I suppose thats why I hate xmas so much? Anyway, I went on a downer! Which is expected, under the circumstances! Well I didn't want to talk to anyone about that night, not even the Police! But I knew I had to talk to them! Anyway, I told them what I was up to telling them! Even up untill this day, I haven't told a single soul all the glorified details, and don't intend telling anyone either! Think that could be one of the problems? I mean, I wouldn't even go to counciling! Had it in my mind that there was no way that I was going to sit infront of someone I didn't even know? And tell them all the glorified details of that night, for him to turn round and say that he understands? Because he doesn't understand! Untill you've been through it yourself, then you don't understand! And it frustrates me when they sit there blatently, wanting you to tell them your problems! There not bothered!To them its just a job!

When I got took to the police station, after the police had picked me up, from a call of a passerby. I can remember like it was yesterday! I got examined, internally & out. I felt worst when the Police woman examined me internally and took swabs for this and swabs for that, than I did when the incident happened! I just felt so cheap! By the way, I was gang raped by 5 men, who up till this day, have never been caught! All this happened in the next town to where I live.

Nearly three years ago was the first time that I went near this town. That was only because the hospital where I got admitted to for trying to commit suicide, was on the other side of this town from where I live, so the ambulance had to drive through to get to the hospital. I've been through it again since, two more times, and that again was trying to take my own life and just recently with the hospital stay that I've just had!

Anyway, back to the point! When I was raped, my family knew about it, but I told them that I didn't want any of my sons to know? My eldest was 16 & my youngest was 11.

I never got a kiss my arse or anything of my family, and when I had a barny with them one year not to long after, they all implied that they didn't want to invade my privacy! Saying that, they was there if ever I needed them? That was the biggest load of bullshit that I had ever heard! And I told them too! Which didn't go down to well but stuff em!

Then I got robbed 5 months later, which added to my problems of previous. (being raped!) It took me a long time to come to terms with that because with the police never finding any of these lads, made me believe that my robbery had something to do with them, and they was stalking me because I had gone to the police! Do you know, my youngest who was eleven at the time, wouldn't sleep on his own because he was frightened! Not about the men who was involved with the rape! He didn't know anything about that? No! The robber's! He used to sleep in bed next to me with a plastic gun under his pillow! He said that he would kill them with this gun if they came near my house! Can you imagine how I felt? Listen, anyone can do anything they want to me, but when it starts affecting my son like it did, well thats when it hurt & I mean really hurt!

Thats when I first started losing the plot! I used to do strange things! I went out one night and took my eldest sons air rifle and stood in the middle of the road, in the centre of the town where I live and held up all the traffic with this gun and threatened to kill everyone. The next event was like a dream. I had gotten into my car, in the middle of the night and started driving on the motorway. The next thing, it was like I said, waking up from a dream? I was on the hard shoulder, my car stopped, no engine running, and I hadn't a clue where I was or how I'd got there? Aparantly, I was 5 miles outside London. Why London. I don't know?

Do you know, my youngest after that, wouldn't leave my site. Wouldn't even play out with his friends incase I left him again on his own? The best of it is, I can't even remember any of the incidents that happened, even up until this day? I'm going of what I've been told!

Again,where was my family & friends? Now can you understand why I'm so bitter about my family, and won't even allow myself to have friends!

What I am getting at is: I received a txt message of a girl I knew in these times, the other morning. Telling me that she misses me. WHAT! AFTER NEARLY TEN YEARS! It whent on to say that she's split up with her husband a few weeks ago, and could do with cheering up. Would I give her a ring when I've got time asap?

Nothing of the mention of where was she when I needed her, I'm sorry to hear of your loss? NO! Thinking of herself as usual! Well I didn't get intouch with her, and I won't get intouch with her! Has far as I'm concerned, she can kiss my arse goodbye! TROLLOP! Like the rest of em! Like I said in a previous post, I am going to come back as a bird, so I can shit on all them, that have shit on me! Looks like I'm going to be doing a hell of a lot of shitting!

Hi Paula....

I just wanted to say, your opinion on receiving help from a psychologist I can relate to. The father of my first 4 children committed suicide a few months shy from 5 years ago. He overdosed on some kind of medication, and to make sure it did the trick, he also hung himself. This was his third attempt on suicide and I had always found him before he passed and gotten him help. But, this time I was too late. I found him and got him down and called the ambulance and administered CPR until they arrived but they could not resuscitate him. The medication had stopped his bodily systems. They tried reversing the effects with further medication but it did not work. They had him pronounced dead before they even arrived to the hospital. This had been the only man I was with at the time (24yo) and the father of my 4 children as I mentioned. My children being 6,3,2, and 5 months. Most wanted me to go and seek help from a counselor but I refused. I said the exact same thing that you said above. They wont understand. How can they understand until they go through something. All they will do is diagnose me with Post-traumatic stress disorder (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/DS00246) and try putting me on some kind of medication that I do not need. Almost 5 years later, i have survived it and am better than I have ever been.

I am so very sorry that you have been through this traumatic event. It sounds as though it has effected your children as much. I am also sorry that you have not had any kind of support throughout. Keep your head up. What does not kill you only makes you stronger. I hope your children find a way of getting through it as well.

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Hi Worried mother:

Can you tell us what it has been like for you, over the past year, to care for an elderly couple? It must be difficult, at least, at times.

Also, what about your personal experiences with parents and grandparents and your aging process (I know you are still young)?

Allan

Hi Allan...

It has been quite an experience yes. Honestly though, it is not difficult at all. They live with their daughter and she and her husband have to be the best bosses a person could ask for. It has been quite an experience for all of us. They moved their parents in with them and move me and my family into their parents house so we live right beside each other.

And Allan, how do you know that I am still young?? lol Yes, I am only 28 years young! :D lol

My experience with parents and grandparents have been quite normal I suppose. Nothing extreme. No bad experiences at the least. My biological father is an alcoholic but I do not claim him at all and my mother left him way before it could cause any lasting damage to us (she is a very strong and independent woman hehe.) I love my grandparents more than anything even though I do not get to see them very often because of my busy life. They helped raise me and I stayed with them every weekend growing up. I practically lived with them until I was 5 yo.

I was 11yo when my mother left my biological father. They had 4 children with me being the first and I helped raise the other 3 which made me very strong! When I see my biological father I do not even acknowledge his presence to the slightest. I walk by him as though he is a stranger. I am better off without him as he and his life decisions and choices are an embarrassment and I do not want to associate myself with him for the sake of my own reputation and life. His drug and alcohol abuse is way too important to him and it has shaped who he is. When he was with my mother he was a very reputable and competent mechanic and made very good money. Now he has turned himself into a town bum. The only time he wants anything to do with my other siblings is when he needs money or a ride somewhere and they are very quickly catching onto this behavior and starting to feel and act the same way I do. My younger brother even went as far as buying a house for that man so he would stop getting into trouble just to have a roof over his head. And since then has expressed that he hates that he has made it his responsibility to make sure that the looser is not on the street. And he causes my grammy way too much grief with his horrible ways. But anyways, enough about that lol you asked so I told :)

My own aging process is fine. My only regret is that I wasted so many years on that first looser I was with and did not start college until I was 24 after he was gone, and now am forced to do school, work and mommy at the same time. So, I made some bad decisions for myself as well. But with distant learning and great bosses like i have, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I love life! :) and in 6-8 years Ill be sitting pretty with a nurse practitioner license. But until then, Ill have my medical assistant degree to depend on.

So, Allan, we have shared with you.. now its your turn! :)

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Sorry Motheroffive for butting in this conversation but I'm hoping for a reply of Allan before I pay a visit to see my shrink tomorrow.

paula Ha Ha! Very funny!

You say only sometimes that I lash out, who are you trying to kid? Have you been blind these last couple of months or are you just being nice? If it's the Allan that I've acustomed to know, then it's the later part of the sentence! But I do thank you all the same.

Allan, could I please ask you a question? I understand that you cannot give me a true answer, but could you give me one that's to the best of your knowledge!

I am seeing my Psychiatrist on Friday morning and am dreading the thought of seeing him! You are aware of the problems that I face, when I have to attend these Appointments. Not just my Psychiatrist, but anyone with any Authority over me!

Even though I was in Hospital, just over a week ago, I see the Consultant when I'm an inmate (in hospital, so to speak). But everytime I have been discharged from hospital, I only ever get to see his understudy, who is alright, but still cannot tell my true thoughts, that are playing havok with my Mental state of mind! So feel that these Doctors are not getting a true valuation of how I'm feeling? Down to myself!

Anyway, back in May of this Year, I was involved in a RTA, which I was sandwiched inbetween two cars (me being in the middle). At the time of the RTA (afterwards) I was badly shaken, but alright. So I thought! But the next day, I couldn't get out of bed with pains in my neck and lower back.

To cut a long story short. Every morning since the RTA, I have to get my son to assist me out of bed because of this excruciating pain in my lower back and down both legs to my knee's. My Doctor thinks it's Siatica along with my self. Brought on by the RTA. But my Physiotherapist thinks differently? He suggest its Whiplash. He has given me exercises to do several times a day and also tried several treatments of Acopuncture, which all have done nothing to help the pain. (I am on medication for the pain, which I take 3x times a day, DICLOFLEX 50mg)

Because nothing seems to be helping, the Physiotherapist has referred me to an exercise program for 12 weeks to see if that will help the situation. After going for the firt time which entailed filling out several forms with the Coach and taking my Blood Pressure & Heart Rate, Told me that I was not suitable for the program, as my Blood Pressure was to high and my Heart rate was to fast. He explained that he will have to do my B/P & H/R 3x consequtive times to get a fair reading, and every time he did it, it was ever so slightly, up from the previous reading. He said that if my H/R would of been on the border line of 100/80 then he might of risked it but my H/R was 119/80 (average) & said that there was no possibillity that he could take that chance with that rate. He gave me a letter, that I had to give my Doctor (wich I have) and said when they get these under control, then I was to re-apply, again through my Physio.

On giving the letter to my doctor, and again, he taking my B/P & H/R, That again these was to high/fast. I don't know what my B/P was but my H/R had gone up to 122/80. I'm saying over 80, I just going of the Coach's bottom line of reading

I know I've gone all around the houses here, but my question is: Why the concern over my B/P & H/R at being that high? And why can you think it is that high? Also, what should it be in a Healthy person? (reading).

My Doc seems to think that it could have something to do with the Depression & Anxiety, among other mental health problems (eg- stress, insomnia, bi-polar) that I am suffering with? Do you think it could have anything to do with the change of medication that I'm on? My doc has booked me in "again" for more Blood test, to try and get to the underlying problem, but I don't go till the 29th of this month for the blood test to be done!

I would appreciate any information regards these problems.

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Guest ASchwartz

Paula,

Sorry for the late reply but, like my my classmates told our 7th grade teacher: "better late than never." Of course, he quickly responded: "yes, but, better never late.":D

Here, I will respond to one item and its this: lashing out: It is unhealthy for the heart, arteries and blood pressure to lash out. As to the other questions, I am not sure why your pressure and heart rate are high except that, yes, anxiety, depression and stress can definitely add to those problems.

I want to urge you and everyone to learn Meditation because it really helps both phsyically and mentally. Do a web search or go to a local book store and find one of many books on meditation and how to do it.

Allan:)

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Worried mother of five,

I am truly sorry to learn that your first husband committed suicide five years ago. That is a terrible thing. However, that was not caused by either medicine or psychotherapy.

Those of us in the field of mental health know from vast experience that, try as we might, there is nothing we can do if a person is determined to take their own life. Yes, we can help many people avoid doing it and most people want to be helped even when they feel desparate. However, there are a very, very few who, no matter what is done, are truly committed to ending it. It's tragic but, for all of us, our power and influence is limited.

I am a retired psychotherapist and, after decades of work in the field, I can report that psychotherapy really helps people. When necessary, the combination of medicine and psychotherapy really helps. So, I hope I can persuade you to think about it so that you are not so opposed to it: I am not saying for yourself, but, just as a way of thinking. In other words, people are really helped by therapy but not by medicine by itself.

Wow, you are only in your twenties??? You have been through a lot/

Allan:)

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi,

It's hard to explain but there are lots of books on the topic. But, I'll try:

Meditation is a type of self hypnosis, sort of. You sit in a quiet place, close your eyes and let your thoughts flow by. You breath steadily, letting go of all the tension in your body. You do not focus on or pay attention to any thoughts or feelings but just let them slip by.

Try to find some reading on this. There is stuff on the Internet and in the book stores or the library. It's worth reading about and can be very relaxing.

Allan:)

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For your sake Allan & mine also, I will give it a bash!

I can't imagine myself sat there in a quiet room with my eyes closed, just letting all my troubles drift by like puffs of clouds? You mention breathing steadily, ME, BREATHING STEADILY? You couldn't of asked a worst person? I'm sure I puff and pant in my sleep, or that's what it feels like when I wake up, wet through! I suppose it's all the time I've suffered with Anxiety and Panic attacks, it's in my nature to breath fast!

But I will search on the internet and find out a bit about it. Is it like Yoga? That's something else that I've not tried?

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