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Co-Dependancy... YISH !!!


Lady_Bobo
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Hi Everyone...

I am new to your site... I thought I would post a new thread and tell my story...

I have read through post and responded to a few post...

I love this site...

I have been with the same man for 17 Yrs, we have one son who is High functioning Autistic... More along the Aspergers syndrome...

I just started attending a counselor Because I have felt in total despair I am unhappy in my marriage... I am confused in my head...

through our discussion she said she would like to look into Co-Dependency...I got a book "Co-Dependency No-More"

Well.. If that didn't throw a log into the fire...I Must have read Ch 1-3, 4X now... I cant get past it...

Since then I went into a huge vacuum of confusion, Questions and self doubt < Imagine that!>

I found Psychological Self-Tools - Online Self-Help Book in your site.. I understand that is a great step for me...

A bit More about my situation... My husband - I have always emotionally supported him up until lately because I realize I lost me in everything....

We had a Trucking business that has since collapsed and he is filling for bankruptcy... It is undoubtedly created a whole lot of craziness in his life and I knew and voiced that the dynamics of everything is going to change... Boy - did it ever...

I had to get a full time job... I had worked from home with the business for the last 3 years and prior to that I worked part -time... Me - working full time took a lot of TIME from everything and that is when I started to become miserable...Things stopped working.

I would like to add I got the best Job Ever! I am proud of my accomplishments!

My full time job started me Tue @ 1:30 pm I needed my husband to step up to the plate in regards to our son... Because of special needs...

He hasn't an I got a new shift starting @6:00 pm so I can get to school to pick him up and do homework... he had fallen behind so far But we got it caught up !:)

My relationship with my husband has deteriorated to 10 min arguments on Sunday - when I see him and we just don't talk for the remainder of my time at home. I can honestly say... The relationship is not a real priority for me right now...I know I have to come first and I just don't have the energy to deal with him and his issues... This is all so New to me ...

I feel guilty and alone in this... I feel that I am going to make things worse for my son...

Has anyone had to change there way of thinking - dealing with Co-dependency thing? I am trying Really hard to understand it all.

How did your story go?

Any input would be appreciated!

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Lady,

Welcome to the community.

I'm not sure about the co-dependency thing. I tend to think of it as passivity, and the cure becoming more assertive.

But whatever is the case, part of the consequence is that there are serious relationship problems in your marriage. You might want to look at this article, where psychologist and marital researcher John Gottman's "four horses of the marriage apocalypse" are described (conflict, contempt, defensiveness, and "stonewalling" or avoidant behavior). If you are only talking once a week to argue, maybe you've already progressed through these stages, which are, unfortunately, associated with the breakdown of marriages.

This is not to say that things have to be awful or that the relationship is doomed, but it is to say that it might be a very good idea if the two of you found a marital therapist and did some sessions together to work on improving your marriage and the quality of your interaction. It is very difficult to preserve intimacy between partners when you have normal children; and I can only imagine that it even harder when you have a special needs child, but still you have to try becuase the alternative is divorce or living with someone you can't stand.

Mark

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