I'm not sure what to call this.

[PetrifiedMonkey]

Hi. I'm PetrifiedMonkey. I'm 15 years old. I've never posted here before. I don't know why I'm reaching out to this or the many other online communities I've talked with. I'm going through a really hard time that I'm having trouble believing is even real. It makes me feel better to tell other people about it.

About 6 months ago I met a girl (age 14) over the internet through a game called Second Life. Lets just call her Jenny. Jenny and I began to bond very quickly. It got to the point that I would look forward to talking to her the whole day. We voice chatted over the game. Soon it evolved to emails, instant messaging, and eventually trading phone numbers. I became extremely close to Jenny. She was someone I could talk to. Someone who could make me laugh. I felt a connection with her that I’ve never experienced with any other person. After about two months of knowing each other she asked me if the feelings I had for her were stronger than a friend (a.k.a “Do you like me?”). It totally caught me off guard that she felt the same way about me that I felt about her.

So, we started “dating”, I guess you could say. We talked even more than before. We traded pictures. We sent each other letters. I even bought a web cam. There’s no way I can say this and have anyone take me seriously, but being with her felt so right. I realized that I was in love with her. I told her, and she told me that she felt the same way. Everything was so wonderful for a while. The closet to perfect my life has ever felt. Simply talking to Jenny made all of my problems go away. She told me that she wanted to be with me more than anything else. We both agreed that what we had was real and that it was worth waiting for. We promised each other that we would wait for each other. We had meetings all planed out. We even asked our parents if she could come visit me for Christmas, to which they agreed! Everything was perfect and getting better each day.

Well, one day Jenny decided to confide in me that she had a problem with cutting. She told me she couldn’t tell anyone else around her, and that she felt depressed. I did absolutely everything I could to comfort that girl. I told her that cutting was unhealthy and that it hurt me too. I told her that whenever she needed me I would be there for her. I more or less devoted my whole life around her. If there was no way for me to contact her at some event I would chose to skip it all together. I did everything I could to keep her happy. I told her all about how great our lives would be once we could finally be together. For a while I was able to keep her strong. Soon, she began to slip. She’d tell me every time. The slips became more and more frequent. I told her that she needed to get help, but she wouldn’t listen to me. I asked for her Dad’s phone number, but she wouldn’t give it to me. I couldn’t bring myself to put anymore pressure on her, so I doubled my efforts at keeping her happy. She became the complete focus of my entire life. I knew at the time that revolving your life around one person wasn’t healthy, but I didn’t care. I decided that I would do whatever it took to make her happy and keep her healthy.

I started encouraging her to hang out with her real friends more. I wanted to get her out of the house, and get her around people that could watch her. Of course, this meant that I had to sacrifice time with her. It was worth it to me, but it was still painful. She told me about this guy she had met. Lets call him Steve (age 15-16). She said that he was a funny guy that made her feel better when she was sad. She also told me that Steve was a drug dealer. I was torn. I didn’t want her to hang around someone involved in such dangerous things, but I couldn’t tell her to stay away from someone in her immediate surroundings that could help her more than I could. So I told her to hang out with him whenever she wanted. Our time together kept dwindling away. Soon she was hanging out with Steve every day. I didn’t think much of it at the time. I had more important things to worry about, such as more ways to help her. One day Jenny told me that Steve had told her that he was in love with her. She told me that she told him that she loved him too, but she assured me that it wasn’t in the same way that she loved me and that our relationship wasn’t threatened. I was worried. I was jealous. I was scarred. It hurt me to hear how fondly she spoke of him. But still I encouraged her to be around him. Her happiness was worth my discomfort. However, things got worse when she told me that he had bought her an 18k gold bracelet for her birthday. I didn’t understand.

She stared taking a turn for the worse. She became suicidal. She told me that she wasn’t meant for the living. Nothing I could say could do anything for her anymore. I was devastated. Finally, things came to a head one night. She called me to tell me that she had overdosed on some medication in an attempt to kill herself. I started freaking out. I begged and pleaded for her to get her father. She wouldn’t listen to me. She told me that she would be happier dead. She told me that she wanted to be dead more than anything else. After 30 minutes or so of begging I turned to the police. I called the local police and provided them with her address (we both live inside the continental U.S.). They got in touch with the authorities were Jenny lives and sent a squad car over to her house to take her to the hospital.

After she had her stomach pumped and was treated in the ER she was sent to a psychiatric hospital for a week. I worried over her nonstop. When she got out she told me that she couldn’t handle a relationship as serious as us then and decided to break up with me. That was the most painful night of my life. She continued talking to me, and she continued to spend more time with Steve. To make a long story short, we got in a series of arguments over the next week, and she ended up being sent back to the psych hospital for three more days. Afterwords, we stopped talking for a while. Once we started back up again I had so many questions I wanted to ask her. I summed it up by asking if she thought that there was any chance of us getting back together. She answered most likely not. She said that she couldn’t handle the psychical aspect of our relationship anymore. I just about gave up on life. My grades and my attendance dropped in school. I acted out on my friends and family.

Two days ago she came to talk to me one last time. She told me that the night before she attempted to overdose she and Steve slept together. I’m too tired to go into much more detail, but we got in such a huge argument. I realized that she realized that she didn’t want me anymore. I told her that I hated her and to never contact me again.

I threw away her phone numbers, email addresses, letters she had sent me; Everything. I’ve wiped her from my life. I feel so alone. The most wonderful thing that’s ever happened to me is gone now, and all I can bring myself to do is mope about it.

[WinterSky]

Hello and welcome to the community. I know how difficult it must have been, and also emotionally draining, to have taken the time to write and share your story with us. I am glad that you did. Reaching out like this is so healthy.

Love at that age leaves one so vulnerable. You've hardly had the time to find yourself. Have you had a good cry about it? It's okay for boys to cry these days. It's very human. I find that crying feels so good and just releases you from the emotional burdens. If I find that I just can't cry, then I watch a sad movie and that will certainly do the trick.

You sound like the healthy one of the two. Give it time and you will get over this. Don't follow her path of destruction. Your education and your family are so important here. Your whole life is ahead of you!

About the Internet, please be careful out there. You took great risks meeting this girl online. It's just not safe for kids. Have you checked out Facebook? Now that is safe! Only persons you know can see your profile if you invite them into your space there. And there's lots of kids there. My niece is a member and she is just your age.

I hope you're hearing me! But I know, I'm an adult so what do I know!

*BIG Hug*

WinterSky

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Petrifiedmonkey,

Listen very carefully to what Wintersky has written to you. What she said is right on target. I could not have said it any better. Thank you, Wintersky, for your wisdom and sensitivity to this young man.

When the pain does go away I hope you will find a girl friend at school or in your neighborhood. That way, the two of you can hang out in a real way, kiss and do all the normal things kids need to do.

I must congratulate you on the way you handled the situation with this girl. You saved her life. But, I agree with Wintersky that you must be extremely careful about who you meet on the Internet. There are healthy girls for you to be friends with in ther real world. Go for those.

Allan:)

[paula]

Hi Petrifiedmonkey

This is going to be very hard for you, I understand. You was prepared to do anything for this girl and to be honest, I don't think she realised what a good lad she had till she lost you?

You must follow what your heart tells you, our heart is not always right but the balls in your court now! Do what you thinks best not what everyone else thinks is best? No matter which direction you decide to take, your family and true friends will stand by you no matter what!

It seems to me like this girl is crying for help! Lets face it, she didn't have to tell you that she slept with this other guy, but she did! Now, whats that trying to tell you?

[PetrifiedMonkey]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and for your support. Things have been very hard for me the past few days. I thought I was getting over this, but my thoughts keep coming back to her whenever I'm not busy. Thank you so much for all your advice. It's appreciated very much.

I don't really consider myself the crying type. The only time I've cried about this was the night that she broke up with me. That was a really hard night. Anyways, I know I took a big risk meeting her, but back then she was someone that I could really trust. She didn't have the best home situation, and she had no outlets. She actually needed me as much as I needed her. I've had other relationships with "real" girls, but nothing ever got to the level it was with her. She was so special. I hate to say this now because I've decided that she doesn't deserve me adoring her like I used to anymore, but, in my short time here on earth, no one has ever made the same connection with me that she had, and I fully believed that she was the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with no matter what I had to go through to make that happen. She told me that she felt the same. That's one thing that just makes this so much harder.

I don't know what my heart is telling me to do right now, but I know that getting back together with her will not happen. I was feeling especially weak a few days ago. Weak enough to check her Myspace page one last time. She has completely moved on from me and is pursing a much more serious relationship with Steve. I wish I hadn't looked. It's like she was just using me. Like she spent all that time building me up, telling me that she really loved me and only wanted me, fixing all my insecurites, and making life seem like it was worth living for again just so she could pull out and leave me in a worse state then I was in when she found me.

None of this is right. What did I do to make her want to hurt me like this? When did she decided that I was just wasting her time? I tried to be everything that she wanted me to be. I never had anything but her best interest in mind. Maybe thats why...When she got out of the psychiatric hospital she told me that she couldn't confide in me anymore. After I took the one thing away from her that she really wanted, which, used to be me, she decided that we could never be the same. This is such a messed up situation. She basically told me that if I had let her go she would have died mine (Even though I know that's not true), but doing what I thought was right meant that she won't want me.

Whatever it is, whatever feelings she had for me are long gone. It's obvious that she doesn't care about hurting me. I could tell in her attitude. The things she said. The tone of voice she used when she talked to me. I'm nothing to her anymore. It's been about 5 days and she hasn't tried to contact me since I told her not to. I don't know why I thought she might. I just want to crawl in a deep dark hole and stay there until I can't feel any of this anymore.

Edited December 12, 2008 by PetrifiedMonkey
Wording

[WinterSky]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and for your support. Things have been very hard for me the past few days. I thought I was getting over this, but my thoughts keep coming back to her whenever I'm not busy. Thank you so much for all your advice. It's appreciated very much.

I don't really consider myself the crying type. The only time I've cried about this was the night that she broke up with me. That was a really hard night. Anyways, I know I took a big risk meeting her, but back then she was someone that I could really trust. She didn't have the best home situation, and she had no outlets. She actually needed me as much as I needed her. I've had other relationships with "real" girls, but nothing ever got to the level it was with her. She was so special. I hate to say this now because I've decided that she doesn't deserve me adoring her like I used to anymore, but, in my short time here on earth, no one has ever made the same connection with me that she had, and I fully believed that she was the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with no matter what I had to go through to make that happen. She told me that she felt the same. That's one thing that just makes this so much harder.

I don't know what my heart is telling me to do right now, but I know that getting back together with her will not happen. I was feeling especially weak a few days ago. Weak enough to check her Myspace page one last time. She has completely moved on from me and is pursing a much more serious relationship with Steve. I wish I hadn't looked. It's like she was just using me. Like she spent all that time building me up, telling me that she really loved me and only wanted me, fixing all my insecurites, and making life seem like it was worth living for again just so she could pull out and leave me in a worse state then I was in when she found me.

None of this is right. What did I do to make her want to hurt me like this? When did she decided that I was just wasting her time? I tried to be everything that she wanted me to be. I never had anything but her best interest in mind. Maybe thats why...When she got out of the psychiatric hospital she told me that she couldn't confide in me anymore. After I took the one thing away from her that she really wanted, which, used to be me, she decided that we could never be the same. This is such a messed up situation. She basically told me that if I had let her go she would have died mine (Even though I know that's not true), but doing what I thought was right meant that she won't want me.

Whatever it is, whatever feelings she had for me are long gone. It's obvious that she doesn't care about hurting me. I could tell in her attitude. The things she said. The tone of voice she used when she talked to me. I'm nothing to her anymore. It's been about 5 days and she hasn't tried to contact me since I told her not to. I don't know why I thought she might. I just want to crawl in a deep dark hole and stay there until I can't feel any of this anymore.

Harsh reality: it takes more than a few days to get over a lost love. It's going to take a bit more time, my friend.

You know, one doesn't need to have a mental illness just to go talk to a therapist for awhile. I'd treat this like a grief thing if it were me. When someone dies, a part of you becomes missing. Talking about it makes it more real and it becomes less amplified over time, if you know what I mean? Why not talk to your parents about doing this. Also, do you feel comfortable talking to your folks about this girl?

But I wouldn't stop talking here. We are listening.

[PetrifiedMonkey]

I'm just with my Dad. He's not someone I can talk to about this. His exact words to me were "Quit ruining my life with your problems! Get over it!"

I'm feeling a lot better right now, though...

You know what? I think you're right. She didn't appreciate what she had in me. She knew I was willing to stay with her and love her no matter what. One day I'll find someone who will appreciate that.

[paula]

Thats the spirit! You can do it!

[PetrifiedMonkey]

Jenny contacted me today. She tried to message me via my AIM account. I had removed her from my friends list, so AIM wouldn't show me her messages unless I chose to accept them. At first I was going to ignore her, but after she had sent over 30 messages in less than a minute I decided to see what she wanted.

She said she misses me. She says that she wasn't thinking and accidentally called my number yesterday. Her number showed up as Private on my phone. I was busy at a party so I answered and quickly said "I can't talk right now. Call back later." and hung up. She asked if I still hated her. I told her nothing had changed.

She says shes tried to kill herself again twice. Her Dad knows about that, though. She's becoming addicted to some kind of pill she's been perscribed. Her Dad found out about what she did with Steve and made him stay away from her.

What does this mean? What am I supposed to do now?

[WinterSky]

Jenny contacted me today. She tried to message me via my AIM account. I had removed her from my friends list, so AIM wouldn't show me her messages unless I chose to accept them. At first I was going to ignore her, but after she had sent over 30 messages in less than a minute I decided to see what she wanted.

She said she misses me. She says that she wasn't thinking and accidentally called my number yesterday. Her number showed up as Private on my phone. I was busy at a party so I answered and quickly said "I can't talk right now. Call back later." and hung up. She asked if I still hated her. I told her nothing had changed.

She says shes tried to kill herself again twice. Her Dad knows about that, though. She's becoming addicted to some kind of pill she's been perscribed. Her Dad found out about what she did with Steve and made him stay away from her.

What does this mean? What am I supposed to do now?

Well perhaps you need to determine if it is over or not. Ask yourself, "What is in my best interest?" Once you have determined the answer to that one, stick to your decision.

It's not selfish to ask that question, "What's in my best interest". It's about self-preservation.

[paula]

Hi petrifriedmonkey

Wintersky's right! The balls in your court now, you have to decide one way or another? She's playing games with you! Or, she doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you?

You can either sit back and let her treat you like this or, stand up and be a man about it and tell her it's over or ?

Do what your heart tells you! "Love is blind".

[appleby]

Hi Petrified Monkey --

I just read your story and I can see why it's so hard. She was so important to you, you loved her and she loved you.

But then there were so many things that transpired. I'll just tell you bluntly what I think about this situation now:

I think it should be over --

I think both you and she have a lot of conflicting emotions and love may still be there for both of you some of the time, but from all that has happened and with her emotional state, I don't think she is good for you. I am worried for her in that she is so unhappy and suicidal, but I am worried for you here because you are really powerless to stop her and she continues to go deeper into self-destruction. You did save her life and that was a true gift to her, even if she doesn't hold it that way.

I can understand the draw to getting back with her, because what you had early on was so fantastic, but I just don't think it can ever be the same, with what has happened and I'd like for you to have someone who is healthier than her.

I think that if you go back to her, more difficult times will follow and I think that if you don't, it will remain hard for you for quite a while -- you will be grieving a relationship that has been important to you.

So that is my input -- but in the end you will decide and whatever you decide, I think it's important to get some support, you can keep coming here...

Take care,

Appleby

[Guest ASchwartz]

Appleby, Paula and Wintesky, Petrified,

Great advice for Petrifiedmonkey.

Petrified, I hope you follow the very sound advice and support being given.

How are you doing?

Allan

[PetrifiedMonkey]

Thank you once again to everyone who continues to read and give me their support. You're all helping me so much more than you know.

Hi, Allan. I'm doing okay. It seems I've gotten over my initial period of give-up-on-everything-ness. I'm working on bringing up my marks in school and mending friendships that became torn through all of this.

Jenny has started talking to me almost regularly again. She's doing just as bad as ever. She keeps telling me that her medication isn't working or is making her condition worse. I guess that's to be expected, though. I realize that it will take time for them to be able to reach their full effect, but what is she supposed to do in the mean time? She doesn't want to go back to the psych hospital. She says she hates it there. I guess that's to be expected too. She's also saying that her Dad is making her life harder than necessary, but after she told me the things he was doing it seems to me that she's just extremely sensitive and he's not respecting that like he should. As a matter of fact, all this time away from her, thinking about her in this new light, has made me look at a lot of things differently. I used to always believe every word she told me because of how much I adored her, but now it seems like she exaggerates a lot of things. She got fussed at for skipping class, which she said she did so she could cut herself. She's cutting again, by the way. That's the first time in a while she says. I would tell her Dad if I hadn't thrown away all phone numbers and contact information related to her...

...but here's the interesting thing...

When she told me all that she told me not to tell anyone unless it started getting too serious. I know that any amount of cutting is too serious, but perhaps this is finally showing some initiative on her part? Or maybe just a way to get what she wants with out feeling guilty about lying to me.

Another interesting thing that she's said:

She says that if her Dad continues treating her the way he is, when she's 16 she's going to request to come live with her aunt who lives in the same state as me. That is, she said, if I would let her.

She also talked a lot about Steve. She went on about how she doesn't want him, and how she doesn't need him, and she doesn't need or want anyone. The one exception to that being me. "I want you, but I don't want you. It's complicated" were her exact words. According to her, the only thing she wants is death. It's still always on her mind.

When we last talked she asked me if there was any chance that I would let her be with me sometime in the future. I said that there was a chance.

All that being said, here is how I feel:

I still love her enough to care if she's okay or not. That never changed. But the enormous amount of love I had for her at first is not inside me anymore. At least not at this time. Since she was the only person who's ever had any effect like that on me and she needs me to give her hope right now I'm willing to give us a chance sometime in the future and to stick around while I seem to be helping. I can say that I would like nothing more than to have her happy and healthy. Her wanting to be with me while in that state would be nice as well, but it would be a long long time until things would start to feel the same. I'm a different person now then I was 6 months ago. I feel like I've aged a few years. Having what I thought I needed more than anything taken from me has shown me how little I really need.

She's such a problem. She needs to be kept in a hospital. Twenty four hour surveillance, padded walls , nothing but liquids and finger foods, and constant support. She told me that she lies to the therapists. She's going deeper and deeper into a downward spiral.

I wish I could be there. I can't help but think that if I was I would be able to help her more. Unfortunately, that isn't an option. I already asked my Dad. He wants me to have nothing to do with her anymore.

Well...what now?

Edited December 18, 2008 by PetrifiedMonkey

[PetrifiedMonkey]

I don't know what I should do now. Part of me wants to keep her in my life, and part of me wants to get back to moving on. We're both so different now. I know we're capable of loving eachother, but we haven't done it in so long that I'm forgetting what it felt like.

I can't find it in myself to be happy while talking to her anymore. Even when she's trying to pretend that she's happy. Especially when she's pretending to be happy. It's a dilemma. I know it will help her, but I can't make myself do it.

She wants to die. There's nothing anyone can say or do to change that. She doesn't want to get help. She doesn't want to tell anyone else. She hates me for forcing help upon her. She "has no motivation" to try to get better.

I swear to God I just want to beat her ass.

She doesn't take death seriously. She jokes about it with her friends; she couldn't stop laughing the night she tried to overdose. I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't a suicide problem as much as it is a need for attention problem. I know that's a horrible thing to suggest, but I'm getting to a point were I'm very frustrated with the whole situation.

I heard that she tried to overdose on some immune booster and I think an anti depressant. I don't know much about medication, but would that even kill her? She said she tried to hang herself in the psych hospital. This brings the number of attempts to 4 or 5.

If she wants to die so bad why can't she actually do it?

Edited December 19, 2008 by PetrifiedMonkey

[Kay_J]

---------------------

Edited March 19, 2009 by Kay_J

[paula]

This girl obviously needs help! I understand what your saying Kay and maybe your right, but we've got to think at what Desperatemonkey wants? I know that it won't have any thing to do with him, what she does with her life, and he has no control over it, as she's shown him, but Desperatemonkey will carry this guilt around with him 'IF' anything, (God forbid it) does happen to her?

I think this girl needs help! And fast! Like it's been mentioned previously, she needs to be Hospitalised and observed, for her own good

I don't know what I should do now. Part of me wants to keep her in my life, and part of me wants to get back to moving on.

Desperatemonkey, all I can advise is, do what your heart tells you? If your heart tells you to move on then do it? You have got to decide, what's best for you? You have either got to move on and forget about her, including having no contact with her whatsoever? Or, give it another go, by explaining to her that if this has got any chance of working with the pair of you then, she has got to STOP playing her silly games with other people, including yourself, and get help professionally? Explaining that they are your terms!

Sorry I couldn't advise you any better

[PetrifiedMonkey]

I think I know what I'll do.

I've got to find a way to get her Dad to put her back in an institute and to keep her there for at least a few months. I've got to tell him that she lies about how she's feeling and that she needs to be watched very closely at all times.

I'll stay as far away from her as I can in the meantime. When shes better if she wants to contact me then I'll accept that. If I never hear from her again I'll hope for the best and take satisfaction in the fact that I did everything I could for her.

I don't want her in my life in this state. It would be different if there was something I could do to help her, but since there isn't all she does is bring me down.

Edited December 19, 2008 by PetrifiedMonkey

[paula]

Hi Petrifiedmonkey

I'm glad you've decided to help her. I think deep down, you do really love this girl and I think she loves you too! But her pride is getting in the way & she has got to swallow her pride and get help!

You know whats best as I'm just on the other side of a laptop answering your queries as best I can, through past experience?

I think I know what I'll do.

I've got to find a way to get her Dad to put her back in an institute and to keep her there for at least a few months. I've got to tell him that she lies about how she's feeling and that she needs to be watched very closely at all times.

She needs to be Sectioned for her own sake!

[roiisgurl]

to begin with i have to say that u sound very mature for ur age i am stunned. there is not alot of young boyz that can talk n think the way u do i admire u for that. i know it must be very hard for u it was ur first serious relationship but it wont be the last n yes u will alwayz look back at this n remember how much it hurt but that is not all u will also realize how strong it also made u. i mean u may not know it but all this makez u a stronger person. i am 22 yrz old n when i was 13 i started datein this guy n i thought i would be with him for the rest of my life but i was so wrong. i mean i thought that there was no one else out there but him. at the age of 15 i came out pregnant n i also married him but it was lil after that when our problems began. i mean i thought that if he left that would b d end of my world right there. he knew my secrets n i thought he was perfect for me. well wut do u know after 5yrs of being together when i was 18yr old i left him yup i did. the reason was cuz i found out that he wanted to cheat on me with some gurl younger than me a 15yr old n alot of other things too but that was that match that lite the fire.

n now he is with someone else n has another lil gurl n i moved on a lil too fast i would say n i have another lil gurl as well. i mean yeah when i first left him it was a lil hard we started hatein each other u could say or let me put it this way he started hatein me n that is when i would look back at all the good timez we had together n all the promises we made each other n that is that they r just words. that is the harsh truth that they r just words it doesnt matter wut the promise is sooner or later it will get broken. all i have to say to u is that u will get over this i mean yes it will take time but it will happen. keep ur head up n forget about the past live n the present n wish for a brighter future. REMEMBER IT CANT RAIN FOREVER THE SUN ALWAYZ CUMZ AFTER D RAIN:)

Edited December 30, 2008 by roiisgurl

[PetrifiedMonkey]

Hi everyone. Thank you once again for all the help you've given me. This is the final update to my little story.

She's gone from my life. For good this time. I won't accept any kind of communication from her. I don't need it, and most importantly I don't want it.

I told her Dad everything she told me about lying to the doctors. I let him know that she's still a danger to herself. That's as much as I can do. What they do now is out of my hands.

I don't love her anymore. She'll never be the focus of my life again. I care if she's okay simply because I'm not a monster. However, I have no desire to be with her in any way.

Thank you all for being there for me. You all helped pull me through.

[paula]

Hi Petrifiedmonkey

She's gone from my life. For good this time. I won't accept any kind of communication from her. I don't need it, and most importantly I don't want it.

That's your choice and by the sounds of it, it finally looks as though your through with being pissed about!

Now, you've got to move on! The best thing you can do is, have no more contact with her. Change your Sim card in your phone and change your home number if need's be?

That's the only way your going to get over her for sure, and faster than if you would, in keeping in contact with her!

You should never ignore the little things in life because one day them little things, becomes the big things as you have found out?

Take care and keep posting!