borderline stepmother

[brooks21]

My biological mother has a borderline disorder, and I grew up being told I was the bad one in the family, along with abuse etc. Years later my father remarried and my stepmother also has a borderline disorder. After my father died, she began working on my siblings, wanting to disolve the trust my father had set up for us. Well, several years later, she presented a proposal to dissolve this trust. I consulted an attorney who suggested the proposal was very marginal, and that there were three things I needed to have included. When I made these suggestions to her, she communicated with my siblings, and guess what... I am the bad guy again. After several very nasty emails from her and my brother, I finally and greatly frustrated, refused to sign it. I feel so frustrated, it is as if my childhood has returned. Yet I am older, wiser, stronger, and I will be OK. However, I feel very sad that this dynamic is happening again after all these years, it was better. Part of me wants to let this cool off and just talk to my siblings (all living in other towns and states) as I see them, another part of me would like to call my brother and nicely talk about how I felt. I am not sure of the response from him. Anyone have some thoughts to share with me?

brooks

Edited December 11, 2008 by brooks21
mispelling

[brooks21]

My brother emailed a picture of his house and their christmas lights. I took the opportunity to say back that "sometimes it is not how many lights you have but how you treat those who love you". His response was not nice, and he wants to not talk further. I am ok. I am afraid that he has taken on my mother's way of handling feelings, taking it out on someone else. It will not be me, but i am hurt.

Brooks21

[silentmist]

Hey brooks

I'm curious how you linked your brothers picture of the christman lights with your response ?

Have the two of you got a relationship where your both trying to outdo each other ?

BPD is extremely difficult and can be very destructive for familys ... BPD is where a person either loves or hates someone, is that right ? ... everythings very black and white?

Merry Christmas

[brooks21]

Well I see what you are saying, and I've thought about it and I'll say thank you for taking the time to respond, but will not defend myself. Happy holidays!

Brooks

[brooks21]

I linked it (in my mind) with this: it is not what you have so much as it is how you treat those that love you. This refers to him treating me pretty badly with the whole trust thing. Yes, he is seeing me as bad, stepmother good. It is hard to acknowledge this about him. I love him so much and we were once so close.

I feel sad that because of their choices and ways of handling stress, I cannot continue to be close to my brother. I miss him. My stepmother is stepping right in and acting like my mother used to, and my siblings are acting like they have not grown in the last 20 years. I have worked and worked and worked with my mother who taught them to behave this way, and she is so much better. Now my stepmother is recreating the same way of handling feelings in the family.

Am I mad at her, you bet! I am really tired of this 'bad one' label and behavior toward me. I am a decent person. But, I have to let it be, any attempt to help them see this for what it is - a dysfunctional way of handling feelings will backfire. So I'll let her and them be, I have my life without them.

Frankly, I am contemplating some cuttoff. I have for so many years tried to stay connected, carefully, cautiously, but right now I am thinking perhaps it's time to let go for a while.

Brooks