Dad depressed after moms death - 2 years later

[surfugandita]

All-I need help, trying to help my dad. My mother died unexpectedly at age 58 in Jan 07. My dad and mom were close and he had no real friends other than her and hes a retired welder (hes 60) so doesn't even get out to work. He is majorly depressed, he wont leave the house, he sleeps all day, he eats the same thing for lunch and dinner every day. He has my moms ashes in the house and i think he talks to her like she is there and he doesn't want to leave her alone so he stays in the house. He is on pain meds for a back injury 10 years ago (oxycontin and others), he is drugged all day and drinks coffee to try to stay awake. He is seeing a therapist but thinks the guy isn't doing his job because my dad hasn't been cured, he thinks it should be easy like taking a pill. He isn't taking any responsibility for himself and acts as though he can't understand simple things like the phone bill. I'm 40 my sister is 37 and i recently moved out of state. I don't know what to do with him, i'm afraid he is going to fade away, he has no joy in his life. My three kids don't even make him happy at all. He was at my house for thanksgiving and he only got off of the couch to pee and eat. He is too young to act so old. He thinks his life is worthless and 'its only a matter of time'. I talk to him and he says, i know or i'll try but nothing changes. Its gotten worse over time and my moms been gone almost 2 years. Any advice? Thanks for listening.

[xenophon]

I am sorry that your dad and y'all are having such difficulty.

I don't have any answers or advice for you.

Your dad may need a therapist. Someone who knows about grief that is too severe and gone on too long.

[paula]

Hi

I would suggest that you get your father to pay a visit to his GP (Doctor) or if he won't go then ask the doctor to visit him? Explain how your father is acting. Obviously he is suffering Depression, but what form of depression, only his doctor will know? He will probably refer him to a Psychiatrist or Counciling?

He is probably very lonely without your mum? Loneliness is the hardist thing to cope with, I've been there myself quite often!

Is there no neighbour or friend that can call on a regular visit to keep an eye on him?

You don't mention whether your father is on any medication for depression? He will have to get his depression under control first before he or you even think of any thing else and think the next step is to see his doctor with a member of the family to tell the doctor how he has been and still is! Then that will be the first step!

[Ob1one]

Maybe you should try to get him to do things with you. Just being with him, having fun with him, loving him might be all he needs to snap out of it and get back on his feet.

________

Unique bowl

Edited April 29, 2011 by Ob1one

[serenitynow]

Would he consider joining some kind of grief support group....either online or in a nearby community? If he can talk to others about his grief and loneliness, maybe he won't feel so alone. My heart goes out to the poor man. What a heavy burden for him to grieve every minute of every day. He must be wilting away because grieving is so draining.

I also feel that some of us weren't ever taught that it's okay to live for ourselves. We become so dependent on pleasing others, taking care of them, or expecting them to entertain us that we forget how to live or make ourselves happy. He is now alone and feels he has no purpose and doesn't deserve joy in his life. He has to see that he is allowed to laugh and have fun for himself. Let him know that he can still find moments of happiness and it is okay to do so.

It is so much harder to be the survivor who is left behind.

Edited January 12, 2009 by serenitynow

[valarie]

i lost a son on mothers day suddenly. i have tramtic stress. can't beleive it. your dad has health issues plus grief. that is alot for anyone. i am suprised he ever gets out of bed. it is all i can do to get out of bed and brush my teeth and comb my hair. i have to go to work to pay my bill or i wouldn't get out of bed. it is very hard. they say the 2nd year is worse the first year you are numb. the 2nd the numbness is gone so you just start to feel the pain worse. so he probably dosn't now how to deal with it now. talking to someone might help. but that is hard form men. it is hard for me! the want me to " take time for myself" how can i do that? i have to pay my bills. life goes on. go on a vacation....yea right how is that posible..the little things that come up..to bad you dad isn't still working so he had something to do.

[Almost]

He is on pain meds for a back injury 10 years ago (oxycontin and others), he is drugged all day and drinks coffee to try to stay awake. He is seeing a therapist but thinks the guy isn't doing his job because my dad hasn't been cured, he thinks it should be easy like taking a pill. He isn't taking any responsibility for himself and acts as though he can't understand simple things like the phone bill.

Hi! I think it's important that you write exactly what kind of therapist and what kind of treatment your father is receiving now. I seem to understand that he is under teatment for his back injury and that he sees also a therapist for his depression after the trauma of your mom's death. Is it so? Painkillers like oxycontin may probably contribute to his drowsyness. Also antidepressant - if he takes any - can ahve such effect (I know, I take them). Perhaps the combination of painkillers + antidepressants can make things worse? If here there is any psychiatrist or chemist she perhaps could give some advice.