feels like im going crazy..

[jessica]

I dont really know what is wrong with me. It started about a week ago and i keep getting random, disturbing thoughts about hurting my son. The thoughts come out of nowhere and as i think them i start to worry that i will do them without thinking. I will get very dizzy and tingling sensation and cant breath deep when i feel like i cant control myself, so i think its anxiety. I just dont understand where the thoughts come from and how to get rid of them. The more i worry about it the worse it gets and ive even considered suicide when i get that feeling....just because it "feels" like im losing my mind and i feel terrible that i get those thoughts about my son. If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on what this is and what to do about it, i would really apreciate it.

thanx

[confused12]

Hi jessica,

I wish I could be more help but I am actually unsure what this might be. I do have high anxiety levels and often it is around protecting my children rather than thoughts about hurting them.

When you talk about fear of acting out thoughts, do you consider yourself a violent person?

Confused12

[paula]

Don't think she means that she is a violent person but afraid of becoming a violent person, by letting the thoughts of her mind overtake, and reacting on them thoughts?

If she is having these thoughts of harming her son, she's afraid that she will harm her son, through no fault of her own, and wants to see about this issue before it gets out of control!

I don't know? Maybe I've got it wrong?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Jessica,

Sounds like you are worrying about the nature of your thoughts. Possibly, the violent thoughts are obsessional--meaning, they are intrusive, disturbing to you and unwanted. This can happen when a person feels very anxious. Then, you have more anxiety about the thoughts and end up with more thoughts. All the time you are worried about self control.

Do you have a therapist and, if not, can you enter psychotherapy?

Allan

[jimmyfay2]

Hi there,

I have those thoughts, too. In fact, just yesterday I was freaking myself out because the thoughts seemed to be getting 'louder'. I have been dealing with this kind of stuff since I was 7, so perhaps I have a different perspective. I hope I can help. I have come to learn that thoughts are merely the driftwood of the mind. They float around and periodically come into view. Most of the time, the thoughts we have are not even worth noticing, so we let them be and they just drift back to where they came from. When we are anxious, we tend to notice the disturbing thoughts more often, and more than that, we attach much more meaning than they deserve. I compare them to logs floating down a river. The river is our constant flow of consciousness, the logs are the thoughts we are constantly having. When we are anxious, and pick up on the anxious thoughts or images, we don't let the logs float by, we 'cling' to them. Then, more and more thoughts come by and get caught up on the logs we won't let go of. Soon, the river is backing up and flooding our minds! See where I'm going with this? There are many methods for learning to let go of disturbing thoughts. I have found that, for me, acknowledging the thought, and knowing with full certainty that I will not act on the thought, I simply let it wash over me until it loses it's strength. I do alot of deep breathing exercises, and meditation type stuff, but whatever you discover works for you will be your tool.

The symptoms you described are textbook anxiety/panic responses. They are your fight or flight response preparing your body to protect itself or run away from danger. The dizziness, tingling and so on are classic examples of the way this natural defense mechanism can create an anxiety spiral. You have the disturbing thought, your body perceives the thought as a threat ( because you are afraid that you might act on the impulse, or are afraid of the images you create in your mind ), and in response to the 'threat' your heart starts to beat faster, your breathing becomes more shallow and rapid, which makes you feel like you can't catch your breath, or are being smothered. Adrenalin starts pumping through your body, which would be great if you were being attacked by a lion, instead of some disturbing thoughts that you can't run away from. As your heart beats faster, the body starts to channel your blood into your major muscle groups, such as the legs, chest and arms. This draws blood away from your head, hands and feet, which can make you feel very dizzy, and can make your extremities, as well as your mouth and face, feel numb or prickly. There is so much that goes on during this process that there is no way you could keep track of all of the changes. What really stinks about this is that, since the danger is coming from within, from your thoughts, there is nothing to run away from, or to fight off. Does that make sense? Since there is no tangible danger to get away from, your body remains in a state of constant alert. Waiting for the fight, or flight, that never comes. So, now you are left in an agitated state, and the thoughts are still there, which continue to agitate you. Fun stuff, huh?

The bad news, at least in my experience, is that you cannot force the thoughts to go away. The more you try not to think about them, the more focused you become on them. But, the good news, is that you can learn to not let the thoughts get to you so much. I learned my little tricks working with a doctor, which I strongly recommend, but in the meantime, you can learn alot about this topic by checking out some of the links on this site. I am sure the moderators can back me up here with some links. I have found some wonderful sites on line... my favorite is paniccure.com. It presents the physiology of panic and anxiety in a straightforward way that is very easy to understand, and can answer alot of questions about what is happening to you during these 'episodes'.

How old are your kids? I ask because I have three kids, all under the age of 7, which puts me in the perfect position to have panic/anxiety/depression and so on... everyone talks about how wonderful having kids is, but nobody ever talks about how STRESSFULL IT CAN BE!!!!! You have to allow for frustration toward your kids. I certainly do not mean to imply it is ok to yell, hit, frighten or otherwise harm your kids, I just mean it is ok to not be Mrs. Cleaver all the time...

I could go on and on about this, but my kids are suddenly trying to destroy my house, so I'd better go put out all the 'fires' they are starting...

Keep us posted, and keep asking questions... it's the best way to get answers! ( that was supposed to be humor... so sorry. )

-Jimmyfay2

[WonderfullyMade]

When you described what you're going through, the dread/anxiety you have with the thoughts, how you don't want the thoughts, etc, I immediately thought of OCD.

I am hesitant in having children myself out of my OCD. I suffered from this for 2 years before seeking help from a professional. It helped A LOT! I still get the occassional OCD spats, but I am learning how to control them one day at a time.

[scared&tired]

I never ever responded to none of these sites, I just go in, read, and get what I need and "keep it moving" but reading your post motivated me to join immediately. When I read your post I just broke down and cried because I am going through the exact same thing! I thought I was alone. I just had a baby 4 months ago. A little boy and everytime those thoughts come up I get sick and scared. They are out of control. I find myself scared to be alone with him because of them. I often argue with my husband when he comes home late because I know that I have to struggle with those thoughts that much longer. I find myself deciding to committ suicide before ever acting on these thoughts since I don't know what to do. I have been dealing with this illness-whatever it is since I was 15. It first fully manifested in college and started out a ritualistic behaviors. When I had my first child, who is now 10, they intensified but I managed to ignore them. Now that I have my son, they have intensified again.I am a teacher and am now on Christmas vacation. I always have free time in the summer and winter and I noticed that these thoughts get stronger when I am overly stressed or have a lot of free time on my hands to think. I don't wantto hurt my son, I love him so much, he is so precious. I don't know what to do. I am praying for you Jessica6019, please pray for me. I am trying to find help locally but I keep getting the run around, I am getting answering machines and promises that I will be called back but to no avai. How sad that these conditions are not treated as urgently as physical ones:(

I dont really know what is wrong with me. It started about a week ago and i keep getting random, disturbing thoughts about hurting my son. The thoughts come out of nowhere and as i think them i start to worry that i will do them without thinking. I will get very dizzy and tingling sensation and cant breath deep when i feel like i cant control myself, so i think its anxiety. I just dont understand where the thoughts come from and how to get rid of them. The more i worry about it the worse it gets and ive even considered suicide when i get that feeling....just because it "feels" like im losing my mind and i feel terrible that i get those thoughts about my son. If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on what this is and what to do about it, i would really apreciate it.

thanx

[nanners]

No No No, those thoughts ARE normal for people with anxiety!!! I used to get them!! I got to the point once where I couldnt even go in the kitchen!!

See what happened is, we have a knife set in this wooden knife holder in our kitchen right next to the microwave and one time when I was in the kitchen I had a huge knife in my hand chopping something and my 1yr old son walked in and all of a sudden I just had this mental image of me stabbing him!!!! I freaked out so bad!!! I threw the knife out the window!! Then I grabbed my son and just held him so tight!!! I was all in horror and thought OMG I am going crazy!!! And "This is the beginning of some kinda phyco problem and soon I'll lose control and start killing people"!!

Well what I did was go to the hospital and told the nurse and the doc that I had that thought and asked him to lock me up!!! I was dead serious!!!

The doctor talked to me a while and then had a therapist come in the room and talk to me and she told me that "Its not what thoughts you have that are important, Its what you think about those thoughts"!!

If you are having thoughts that you might hurt someone and those thoughts disturb you, you most assuradly will NOT do those things!!! Belive me!! I had all kinds of thoughts like that and I was really bad off for a while but now I know there really is NO reason to worry!! And I rarely have the thoughts now.

Just remember, the only time you should worry is if you have thoughts of harming someone and the thoughts make you feel good. Or they feel like a good idea.

Good luck!! Your normal on that!!

:)nanners

[jimmyfay2]

Hey there,

I just wanted to add something to this thread. I hope I can be succinct. Anxiety is the body's defense mechanism, which is a good thing. If there is an actual threat, the body reacts appropriately to protect itself using the fight or flight response. That system is the one responsible for you jumping out of the way of a car if you step into the street and some idiot runs a red light. You jump back on the curb, scream something at the idiot, then take a deep breath, a sigh of relief if you will. What happens with anxiety is that the body is constantly on alert, the fight or flight system is running all the time, but there is no 'real' danger present. So, what happens then is that the mind tries to find some kind of threat to justify all these crazy sensations ( the racing heart, the sweating, the hot flashes, the numbness in the hands, whatever the symptoms may be ). In the absence of 'real' danger the mind will latch onto whatever is available. Now, people without anxiety have strange or disturbing thoughts running through their minds from time to time as well, but, they are able to just dismiss them. With anxiety, we immediately attach urgency and meaning to the thought because our minds connect the sensations of panic and anxiety with the disturbing thought. Does that make sense? In other words, if you weren't anxious and you had the same thought about hurting your child, you might think 'hmmm... that was an odd image' but you wouldn't react with such panic. Anxiety makes us attach importance to things that otherwise would be benign because we want so desperately to have a reason for feeling so panicky! Trying to write about this always makes me dizzy, so I hope you can follow my ramblings.

The bottom line is, try to think of your disturbing thoughts as just that, thoughts. It's the same kind of thinking that happens to me when I'm driving near a cliff... my mind races to the image of my hands suddenly turning the wheel toward the cliff; of the car plummeting to the ground; of the subsequent TV style explosion and so on. When I am not anxious, I can laugh at the thought, but when I am anxious, suddenly it feels like I have no control and am actually going to do it! I never have actually done it, obviously, just as you have never actually hurt your child. A thought is just a thought, nothing more. I have learned to just let the thoughts come, no matter how disturbing, and even if I have a panic reaction to the thought, I recognize that it will pass and I will be ok.

It's funny that nanners mentioned the butcher block full of knives... I did almost exactly the same thing not too long ago. I was just doing dishes, grabbed the big knife to put it away and suddenly had this horrific image of me hurting my kids!!! Scared the hell out of me... but I just let the thought run it's course, let it go and then went on with my day. Thoughts are kinda like logs in a river... if you let them float on by, they do no damage, but if you start to let them pile up and create a log jam, soon the river is overflowing and you have a major flood on your hands!!! I suggest trying to learn to just let thoughts flow... secure in the knowledge that they can do you no harm.

Talk to y'all later...

Jimmyfay2

Edited January 4, 2009 by jimmyfay2

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi,

Yes, OCD thoughts can be scary because of the way they intrude themsleves into your thoughts and are unwanted in nature. I really suggest that if any of you cannot afford psychotherapy that there are some things you can do to reduce anxiety:

1. Go to our self help book that you will find on this site.

2. Learn meditation and do it twice per day. It helps reduce fear and stress.

3. Listen to soft and calming music.

4. Learn Yoga.

5. Anti depressant medications, along with these ideas, can reduce obsessional thoughts.

By the way, there is no reason why you cannot have children even if you have OCD. In fact, I would say that OCD is no reason to not have children.

Allan