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Help, extreme anxiety from underage attraction


silversurfer
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Hi there,

I really need some good help in clarifying my sexual identity/preference.

I am 35 now and have been having anxiety for a number of years all related to guilt and shame set off by masturbation to underage models - ( never porn) I have never groomed or intend to groom, have no particular sexual preference to underage female form. My reason for attraction I will explain below.

I also had no previous habit of this whatsoever until I was 29, alone and very depressed. I have discussed this at length with an excellent psychotherapist and he has analysed me in the following way.

He says that due to failure with similar-aged females, I withdrew into masturbation and because it was the only sexual tension relief outlet I had. This masturbation focused upon more extreme objects for heightened release and satisfaction.

He has tried to explain to me that I am not a pedophile and that I am just someone with a severe self-persecution complex caused by the conflict between the values I was raised with and the false beliefs about myself that this guilt of masturbation has caused. I really try since these issues not to judge people who have them because life is never black or white.

Unfortunately he has now retired and I find that I have no-one whom I can trust to discuss this with , largely due to the hysteria with which society at large treats this topic. It took enough guts just to admit it to one person so I have come to this forum to elaborate on it a little in hope of further help.

My anxiety is fierce and the guilt so deeply nested that I often panic in company and see myself as totally unworthy of love and acceptance. It is ruining my life basically.

Anyway, the specifics of it are this:

Since I was a teenager, I have had a parafilia about long hair and hairstyles - it is known as trichophilia and you may or may not have heard of it. The problem is that I can get very aroused and attracted to long hair especially in certain styles. I absolutley adore women of appropriate age and have had many successful relationships but I became a bit of a mess after a bad breakup and withdrew into masturbation out of loneliness.

Unfortunately, I masturbated a few isolated times over preteen models and now it is as if I cannot 'unsee' what I have seen.

I am constantly stressed when I see pretty young girls 8+, terrified of them and always questioning whether I am actually attracted to them or if it is just my hair fetish. I really don't understand it and my biggest fear is being a pedophile. Can anyone help me or understand what I am going through?

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