Help, extreme anxiety from underage attraction

[silversurfer]

Hi there,

I really need some good help in clarifying my sexual identity/preference.

I am 35 now and have been having anxiety for a number of years all related to guilt and shame set off by masturbation to underage models - ( never porn) I have never groomed or intend to groom, have no particular sexual preference to underage female form. My reason for attraction I will explain below.

I also had no previous habit of this whatsoever until I was 29, alone and very depressed. I have discussed this at length with an excellent psychotherapist and he has analysed me in the following way.

He says that due to failure with similar-aged females, I withdrew into masturbation and because it was the only sexual tension relief outlet I had. This masturbation focused upon more extreme objects for heightened release and satisfaction.

He has tried to explain to me that I am not a pedophile and that I am just someone with a severe self-persecution complex caused by the conflict between the values I was raised with and the false beliefs about myself that this guilt of masturbation has caused. I really try since these issues not to judge people who have them because life is never black or white.

Unfortunately he has now retired and I find that I have no-one whom I can trust to discuss this with , largely due to the hysteria with which society at large treats this topic. It took enough guts just to admit it to one person so I have come to this forum to elaborate on it a little in hope of further help.

My anxiety is fierce and the guilt so deeply nested that I often panic in company and see myself as totally unworthy of love and acceptance. It is ruining my life basically.

Anyway, the specifics of it are this:

Since I was a teenager, I have had a parafilia about long hair and hairstyles - it is known as trichophilia and you may or may not have heard of it. The problem is that I can get very aroused and attracted to long hair especially in certain styles. I absolutley adore women of appropriate age and have had many successful relationships but I became a bit of a mess after a bad breakup and withdrew into masturbation out of loneliness.

Unfortunately, I masturbated a few isolated times over preteen models and now it is as if I cannot 'unsee' what I have seen.

I am constantly stressed when I see pretty young girls 8+, terrified of them and always questioning whether I am actually attracted to them or if it is just my hair fetish. I really don't understand it and my biggest fear is being a pedophile. Can anyone help me or understand what I am going through?

[infrared_radiation]

Wikipedia has an article on trichophilia.

So basically you are aroused by long hair and certain hairstyles on women of adult age, but then when you see an underage girl with a similar hairstyle, you find yourself thinking inappropriate thoughts. I understand what you mean.

[AllenSteinberg]

You're not a pedophile, you're masturbating to their hairstyles, not them. Carry on, don't worry.