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Curious about myself


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So therapy really does like to bring things to the surface, and that's been great. I'm in the middle of switching therapists because I fell in love with my last one. It was very eye-opening. Would like to share some stuff in the hopes of obtaining some insight. Perhaps someone might have some thoughts or see some pattern I am not quite seeing.

I am a fetishists - of the feederism variety - and have been for as long as I can recall (Mb 5 or 6 years old). I seems to have heard that there is some sort of correlation between abuse and fetishism, but I don't know that it applies to me.

I masturbated a lot, at least what I would consider a lot now. To try to quantify, it went from 4-5 times in one session to up to about 17. Ending on an odd number or an even number had meaning - though I can't quite recall what. As a got to my early teens, I would masturbate with my clothes on while playing video games or watching tv while alone in my room. Would sometimes masturbate so much/ quickly that I would bleed. It got to tiresome at points because I would spend two hours after going to bed trying to find the perfect masturbatory equation where I could fall asleep. It would start off as pleasurable, but eventually the refractory periods became too long and it was just tiresome. I persisted to climax no less than 5 times each night. Usually it was between 7- 12 times.

I know that that sort of self-exploration is natural, intellectually. However, I did get scolded by my mother on at least one occasion that I recall.

Does this seem curious as a pattern? Or perhaps I am looking too deep because of the shame from my fetish and upbringing.

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And another thing of note, in my later teens (16+), my brother has introduced me to really odd/ eclectic porn, which we watched together. I did get to bring this up with a therapist, who let me know that this is not terribly orthodox.

When I think back on it now, it seems really weird to me. I don't understand why he would do that? I never wound up getting aroused by any of it, thank god. In do have striking memories of some of it - particularly the bondage stuff. When I say striking, I mean I can remember certain parts rather clearly even now.

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Just a different power play dynamic, at least that how I see it for myself personally. I used to go to some BBW sites/ get magazines, but unfortunately it does really appeal to me. Has to have a weight gain dynamic. Additionally anything with shame or embarrassment is a huge plus.

The only thing that sucks about it for me is depending on how far the fantasies go, I'll feel shameful about it. And there's a split. I revel in the process up until climax. Post climax is when the guilt come in.

I'm fortunate to have a partner who is not freaked out about it, and sometimes we even do role playing. It is sometimes really uncomfortable having to vividly describe what I want - he's been a dear to improvise.

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Well, I am not without my problems myself, but I'm also smart enough to be able to offer my own advice.

The primary human sexual organ is the brain, not the genitalia. It's the brain that processes the stimuli that lead to sexual arousal. I'm no psychologist, but what I would imagine is that sexual fetishes may develop as a result of Pavlovian classical conditioning. One particular thing becomes associated in the with sexual arousal, and it sticks. In the case of a feederism fetish, that particular thing would be food.

What are you actually wanting help with? Feederism could be harmful if it lead to a large amount of weight gain, that much I could understand.

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Shame is really common after masturbation specially for women, but 17 times in one day is fine as long as it is not everyday this is because the clitoris can become oversensitive to stimuli, meaning the more you do it the less you will feel it. Which often times makes you only try harder to feel that initial climax again. And if you are overeating every time you masturbate it becomes dangerous you can tare open your stomach. It's not an issue unless you think it is.

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Smiles. All I can think is smiles right now.

It was funny. After I posted this I went on and actually looked how many times women masturbate. Its funny to me that it took me so long, and had to post it here before I was able to bring myself to look it up online.

Thank you for your very concise answer. I never thought about the overeating thing - I forget that a lot of ppl in my fetish actually do carry into reality. I'm guess I'm grateful for active imagination.

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