what is my purpose in this world????

[roiisgurl]

why am i doin this? hhhuuummm i dont know. does ne one care to read wut i have to say? probably not. well i am not to sure y i am even doin this i mean i dont think that ne one is gonna care but u never know there MIGHT me someone who understands.

to begin with i dont know wut is wrong with me i have one toooo many things wrong with me i mean i am always mad,sad,happy,pist then back to sad i mean wut is wrong with me? i have to gurlz which i luv with all my heart but there yet i dont think that i am a good mom. i mean i alwayz get mad at them for no reason i am always yellin. that is when i ask myself wut is my purpose in this world wut has god put me here to do? i have not a clue. i feel like i am not good at nething i mean i dont think i am a good mom nor wife. i mean i am a mom a sister a friend a aunt a wife n there yet i feel like i am no one like if i dont even exist. i mean i just dont belong to ne one or ne thing.

i just dont understand y i just cant b a happy person n live d happy life. honestly n i say this from my heart i dont think that i was meant to be here in this world. when my mom had me we both almost died cuz i came too early she was just 7months pregnant n i just weighed 1pound at birth n i just dont understand y i just didnt die. i mean never n i mean never do i feel happy as a child i would see my so called dad beat my mom. i mean when u r a child u see alot of things that u never forget i mean too many that u wish to forget. so i grew knowin that he would hit her. i mean i am not writtin all this so ne one could feel sorry for me i am just doin it cuz maybe there is someone that understands me. i just feel like i was not meant to live a happy life. at the age of 6 yrz old my childhood was takein from me by my step-dad y?????? i alwayz ask myself y? i mean i know that is a reason that i am always so angry n confused. the worse part is that is didnt stop there i mean the touchin n d abuse went on for about 7-8 yrz til i just couldnt ne more.then it gets even worse my mom did not belive me she thought i was crazy. i mean at that point i was on drugs n i have to admit i did try to kill myself i just couldnt take d pain ne more. the only thing that mad me feel a lil better was that he was in jail but all that went away when i would c my mom cry for him n not believe me. i just did not understand y she would always say it was my fault that she was not happy n that i was a liar n i was crazy. i honestly dont know wut my purpose is in this world i mean wut is it. i thought i did the right thing puttin him behind bars but i was just hurtin my mom. well i continued with d drugs n drinkin til i became pregnant at the age of 15 by my boyfriend of 2yrz. i did not want to have d baby but i still did n i also got married so there u have it i not only got my childhood taken from me i took my own adolescent yrz from my self. i mean i was a lil gurl stil i was supposed to b playin pretend not actually becomein a mommy n wife. of course it was not gonna last he was 5yrs older than me n very jelous n he blammed me for wut happened to me as a child:mad: once again my fault. MY FAULT for everything n of course i thought about killin myself because i couldnt take it i did not feel loved by ne one i mean my mom n i would argue really really bad. well time passed i was 18 n i left my husband a month later i rushed in to another relationship that would b alot worse than d first. i mean this man was a great actor he seemed so nice but was d complete opposite. he treated me really bad to top it off he was a drunk n i came out pregnant. he promised me so many things that i would never c he made me move out of my moms n wut i cant forgive myself for is that i was not there for my mom her last three months of life. 3months after i moved out she passed away n i jsut felt so guilty n ugly inside for the way i treated her i mean i was a bad daughter n now i have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. n like always it always gets worse i was pregnant at the time n i was feelin sick cuz of the stress then cumz more bad newz she was buried on my 19b-day. i mean wut the hell have i done in this messed up world to be punished like this. i mean wut d hell have i dont to deserve all this wut? there r times that i jsut want to go far away where i dont know ne one n no one knows me n start a new life. how i wish that i could go to sleep n never wake up. i am tired so very tired of this living game that i have never n never will be good at. i have always been the blame for everything n i am tired of it i mean i just wish i had a purpose in this lonely world. i stand alone in the darkness n rain i stand alone. no one has n never will understand me everyone calls me crazy they judge me but never give it a chance to get to know me. so many people have seen me cry but not one has stopped to ask y i have not one shoulder to cry on n i have not one tru friend. they all talk to be n smile when i am around but when i am gone is when their tru feelings come out i mean i just dont understand y do i have to be so unhappy y????wut d hell is my purpose in this world? i am not good at ne thing i dont belong ne where n i feel like a no body........:mad:

[lostINoblivion]

I know what you mean to up and down and left and right. Everything seems to spin in every direction and nothing seems to have any meaning. I can speak for myself when I say thank you for writing your feelings. I understand how you feel. I live it everyday. When everyday feels nothing and I feel everything. People can't understand how you feel, because they don't know what it is like to feel everything all at once and have no clue where to go or how to fix it.

You do have a purpose. I can't say what that would be but you made it into this world. I wish I could meet you to be able to explain these things. But you DO have a purpose. A lot of our meaning in life is to find what that purpose is and go with it. And because you understand what it is like to feel so confused and lost means that you can help others that feel the same way. Others that feel lost and confused. I never feel like I have a home or that anyone understands until I meet someone who deals with the same things that I face everyday.

I hope this helps in some way. Know that there are people who care what you have to say. You mean something!

[roiisgurl]

first of all let me thank u for ur reply cuz not only did u take ur time to read wut i had to say but u also cared enough n understood me to reply so thanx.

i know how u feel cuz like i said i feel like that all d time too i always feel so lost n ignored by everyone. i indeed feel like i dont have a home n like i dont belong to ne thing. i mean its like i exist but at the same time i am ivisible i have a family but there yet i stand alone. i am just so confused n tired of all these feelings i just wish that one morinin i could wake up n feel like i have a purpose n this crazy world n not ever again feel d way i do.

well like i said thanx for ur reply n if u need someone to understand u...i do.

[paula]

Yeah Roiisgurl, lostINoblivion's right. You do have a purpose for being here!

You mention that you was abused when you was younger and your mum didn't believe you? I think she did, deep down? I think most of all that them tears that she shed, when you had your step father sent to jail, was tears of guilt! You did the right thing in reporting him to the Police! He's a Pedophile! And Pedophile's that act on their urges, need locking up and the key thrown away!

Think of it this way Roiisgurl, it could of been one of your own daughter's next? It is these people who are simple in the head, not you? There are way's and means to satisfy their oversexed urges, like masterbation, prostitution, but no! They won't go for a prostitute because they have to pay? They'd rather steal someone's innocense from them! By them abusing a child that is no more than a baby herself, gives them the feeling that they are in control. They cannot demand an adult do what they want, because an adult would demand the same back and this is to much like hard work for a fella? Any fella! They like to have everything done for them. Lazy Bastards!

He is where he belongs! It's just a pity they have to feed him? I WOULDN'T! I'd let the Bastard STARVE!

Maybe your right, it might be a good idea to move on? Well lets face it, what is holding you there apart from bad, bad, memories! He's not gonna be banged up forever and who know's, he might come back for second helping's? There hard faced like that, trust me!

Grab your stuff, get your kids, and get the hell out of there! Go where no one knows you, then they can't judge you? If it makes you feel any better, I'm alway's getting called a barmy cow! As well as a skitso freak! But what the hell, it's only names at the end of the day? They'll soon get fed up of it!

[roiisgurl]

once again thanx for ur words....n i have never thought of it that way about wut said my mom cryin tearz of guilt, but wutever d reason was it still hurt me to c her cry. i mean i just cant get it threw my head how she could not beleive me n how n a sec. she would choose him over me. i mean trust me i wish i would of had d ballz at the time to just .....make him suffer so that he could feel wut i felt. til this day i say if he would come out of jail n try to look for me i would be ready for him i have thought about it over n over again wut n how i would do it. i know revenge aint right but for sum reason i luv it. i wanted to write to him but i just dont know wut prison he is in yup u can call me crazy. i just want to tell that sun of a..... how much he hurt me n how he ruined my life forever. like i say right now it is an open wound but even when it healz it will forever be a scar. well i just hope that one day i could c him again to tell him that he has messed up my life forever.

[paula]

Hi Roiisgurl

i mean i just cant get it threw my head how she could not beleive me n how n a sec. she would choose him over me.

Your mother could of had her reasons for doing this: She may of been solely reliant on this man's income, money for upkeep of the house, a helping hand with any brother' or sister's that you had living with you at the time? It could of been a many of reasons? By choosing you, would of meant that she would of lost all this stability?

til this day i say if he would come out of jail n try to look for me i would be ready for him i have thought about it over n over again wut n how i would do it. i know revenge aint right but for sum reason i luv it.

You said it, two wrongs don't make a right! Let the professionals deal with him. He's not worth the effort!

i just want to tell that sun of a..... how much he hurt me n how he ruined my life forever. like i say right now it is an open wound but even when it healz it will forever be a scar. well i just hope that one day i could c him again to tell him that he has messed up my life forever.

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction! Why tell him that he's messed up your life good and proper? He's done enough damage to you without him gloating once again, knowing that he will always be in your mind? Nah, I would try and move on as best as possible if I was you? The first thing I would do is do one out of that city? The least people know about me the better!

[roiisgurl]

well i guess i have never thought of it that way but it still doesnt make it right. i mean wut i think is that she was indeed afraid of being alone afraid of not havein a man by her side. trust me i have thought about it plenty of timez to move but i just cant do it cuz i would miss my family but who knowz maybe one day i will move....well about d other thing yeah i will just let them take care of this sick man but still i will always have that n mind. well paula i want to thank u for ur words they mean alot to me .

[paula]

Your welcome!

Nice pic, is that you?

well about d other thing yeah i will just let them take care of this sick man but still i will always have that n mind.

I realise that this must be hard for you, but like I said, don't give him any satisfaction of letting him know that you are burdened with what he did to you for the rest of your life! Shit happens! I've had it done to me, but my circumstances were different to yours, enuf said!

It's the things that you don't see coming that hit you the hardest & keep you down the longest! Life doesn't hurt until you think about, how much things have changed, who you've lost along the way and how much of it was your fault!

Seen as words are alway's comforting for you, I thought that I'd write you a few of mine!

Once in a lifetime... Someone special enters your life.

You don't know how it happened or where it might go?

You welcome them with open arms, appreciating them for who they are.

Don't care where they have been, your just gratefull of their friendship!

From me to you x (no, I'm not gay, I'm just friendly!)

[roiisgurl]

Nice pic, is that you?

yes that me n d pic. i wasnt too sure if i should put up a pic. because that would make me feel a lil different becuz now everyone can c who is behind all this n i dont want to say i am ashamed but....idk?

Seen as words are alway's comforting for you, I thought that I'd write you a few of mine!

Once in a lifetime... Someone special enters your life.

You don't know how it happened or where it might go?

You welcome them with open arms, appreciating them for who they are.

Don't care where they have been, your just gratefull of their friendship!

that is nice! so u wrote that? well if u did i got to say that is really nice:)well i like to write poems n when i am feelin down but it has been a while since i have wrote ne. n everything that u wrote is so tru i couldn't of said i better myself. sometimez the thing that keepz eveyone goin is friends tru friends.

From me to you x (no, I'm not gay, I'm just friendly!)

LOL! that never crossed my mind! once again thank u for everything

(sorry if i got u confused but i dont really know how to quote just yet)

Edited January 4, 2009 by roiisgurl

[paula]

Hi Roiisgurl

LMFAO!

Thought that I would mention about the gay thing as I replied with them words but felt them to be apropriet, considering!

(sorry if i got u confused but i dont really know how to quote just yet)

You do exactly the same as you do, to copy and paste, but you highlight again after you have used paste, of what you want to quote, then just go to the quote mark which is the little yellow box next to the # sign and press. You will get a word quote at the beginning and the end of your quote. If in doubt, preview your post before you submit it, that way you can tell if its worked or not? Good luck!

[roiisgurl]

well i was not too sure where i should write about this so i figured that it wouldnt be too bad here. well i had a lil anger problem d other night n just think of it pisses me off. well to begin with i was at a dairy queen gettin ready to order but d lady was takein too long so i was already gettin mad. so as i am pullin up to get my order n pay i notice that there is a guy workin there who says something to her then they look at me.. so that got me a lil more mad. which n alot of cases i think people r talkin about me when its just n my head but this time my sis n law even noticed. i mean he made it so obivious that he was talkin about me cuz he would talk then look at me their was another guy n d back who also looked over alot of timez to try n take a look. so was he talkin crap? was he tryin to flirt? i have no idea but i started talkin my crap since he did not give me d order i told d gurl nice n loud so he could hear......? then i left n i was really shaky n pissed. i mean wuz that wrong for me to do? i have never been diagnosed as being bipolar but alot of people say i am. am i ?:confused: sometimes i think that i just have some real bad anger problems. then again there r those mood swings that i cant even explain at timez. i mean i could be happy then d next sec. i am pissed then mad n back to happy n end up sad.....:confused:? wut is all that about?

Edited January 5, 2009 by roiisgurl

[paula]

Hi Roiisgurl

i have never been diagnosed as being bipolar but alot of people say i am. am i ? sometimes i think that i just have some real bad anger problems. then again there r those mood swings that i cant even explain at timez. i mean i could be happy then d next sec. i am pissed then mad n back to happy n end up sad.....? wut is all that about?

Not necessarily. I mean, I suffer with Bipolar myself, and can see where you are coming from?

This could be a number of things like Personality Disorder etc. You would have to see your Doctor and get diagnosed with Bipolar as none of us here are qualified in that field. Also, you would of have to of been suffering with these symptoms, over a length of time, before your Doctor would give you a definite diagnoses, and then you would be put on medication to help you with your anger management.

[Karl13]

You say that you feel like you have no purpose. The next time you feel down look to the sun and feel its warmth just as God shines his warmth on you, turn to your child and shine your warmth and knowledge on them so they might learn.

When you shine your warmth and knowledge on your child that is your purpose in life. Keep striving to make your childs life better. I feel like my parents didn't do their best on me so my goal in life, i kept telling myself that if i ever have children i will strive to do better then what my parents did for me. I am 33 and I got married a year and a half ago for the first time and gained a daughter that is now 7 and i check her homework every night, i help coach her softball team during the summer on top of working two jobs and i think i have made a good dent in my goal. Although i do so much for my daughter it still brings me back to the mourning of the 2 children i almost had with my ex-girlfriend before my wife. Every time i see a child i still wish i had my own. My ex was pregnant with what the doctor said would have been twins but her body aborted them after approx. 3 months. I am a person who likes to fix things myself but it kills me inside that when something like this happens i hate myself for not being able to fix it. I actually hold a gruge against myself and i get so tore up in my own head.

I always felt like i was a scapegoat for everyones problems but then i try to cheer my self up by saying i am one of Gods work horses caring the load. It helps me puff up with pride and push a little further each day but sometimes it really takes a toll on me. I think I have a mild ADD but never sought professional treatment but i am lucky i found a career in life that intrests me to keep me occupied. No matter how much my job intrests me i still have trouble staying focussed. I think I have been trying to write this for about an hour an a half now LOL i wonder to much review too much but i hope that i have helped.

[roiisgurl]

first of all i want to thank u for ur reply. well yes ur words did help me in different wayz. to begin with i am sorry to hear about wut happened to ur ex i dont wish that to happen to ne one n that is one of the things u said that hit me the most. i had never thought about that(u know wantin a baby so much then losein it) i mean yes that is my purpose n life to be a good mommy(or at least try 2) to my gurlz itz just that i cant imagine how i would take it if i were to loose one of them. just that sometimes i dont feel like a good mom n that makez me feel like crap. i guess i am wrong n alot of things cuz i have to daughterz n there r timez i feel like i have nobody n that i am nobody n have no purpose but i look at otherz that wish to have kids n dont have them i mean they would be so happy to have one i guess i just need to snap out of it (my therapist is tryin to help) n realize that i am lucky to have my gurlz. i know it will take time but i hope to one day i truly do feel like i have a purpose n life. yes i know being there mom n takein good care of them is one but i feel like that is not enough:(

thank u once again!:confused:

[Karl13]

I just wanted to tell you, YOU ARE A GOOD MOM JUST KEEP TRYING YOUR HARDEST AND NO ONE CAN SAY SH!T ABOUT YOU!! Kids are hard i started with mine through marriage at the age of 5 (yey no diapers LOL). but no matter what i just do what i can. When you stop trying, then your not being a good mom.

NO MATTER WHAT DONT STOP TRYING!

[roiisgurl]

thanx for ur words they mean alot to me:) yeah i never looked at it that way n that made me feel good cuz i do try n i try very hard just that their r timez that i just want to go far far away at least for while. i mean there r timez that i just want to give up but i know if i do that then it will be over. i will keep tryin my best to b a good mom even though there r timez i feel like the worst mom.