i hated her n now i miss her

[roiisgurl]

my mom n i never had a good relationship we would always argue n i mean real bad. she would always say that she wanted to die n i would tell her so y dont u.(TRUST ME I REGRET IT) i mean she would always blame me for everythin n i was d reason that she wasnt happy. she would always say that she regreted havein my 2 brotherz n i cuz we were just problemz. i never understood then wut i do now n how i wish that i would of. i mean she was really depressed n she would always cry n say that she wished to die n when she would cry no one cared. she was always alone we all had things to do never did we pay attention to her. n one morning just like that she went in to a comma n 17dayz later(dayz b4 my b-day) she died.:mad: she was buried on my 19b-day n that is something that will always hurt me even more how am i supposed to celebrate that day if that is the day that my mom was buried. that was the worst day of my life havein to do that on my b-day. i just cant explain d way i felt when i saw my mom layin there in front of me not movin not breathin just......(tear) i never did understand ne thing but that very second that she passed away everything bacame so clear she just wanted to feel loved n to feel like if she did have a family.....(tear) i regret everything that i said n did to her but that is never gonna change ne thing she is gone now n there is nothin i could do to make me feel better wutz done is done. now i feel like i am payin back for wut i did to her i mean i have 2 gurlz n there yet i feel lonely i feel like if i dont have a family n when i find myself cryin cuz i feel lonely i remember about my mom n how i regret everything i ever did n said to her. i miss her so much how i wish that i could turn back time.

n d truth is that i didnt hate her i luvd her so much but i was just afraid to show it

i miss u mom n i am sorry 4 everything

i wish u were here(tear)

Edited December 31, 2008 by roiisgurl

[paula]

Hi Roiisgurl

my mom n i never had a good relationship we would always argue n i mean real bad.

Me and my mum are like that now! From growing up to the present day, I can honestly say, that I don't know/understand the reason for it?

Up until my two younger sister's had their children, we were all a close nit family! Then as soon as my sister's had their children, me and my two older brother and families, seem to get pushed out and ignored, to the extreme that none of me and my brother's family's, really have any contact with my mother, only on occasion's that may be worrying to us concerning our mothers health for e.g. If she was ever to go into hospital for anything, or comes down with any illnesses, then we would all rally round and do what we could to make our mother as comfortable as possible and try to ease as much discomfort as we can, as to cause any unnecessary issues for our mother to worry about which may affect the time and speed of her recovery.

As soon as she would arrive home again, things would go back to how they were before the incident had happened in the first place.

Take for instance: It is a Festive period at the moment and it's a time for giving and a time for getting. Well, me and my son went up on two occasions over this period, to wish her a Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year, only to discover that my older brother's and their family's, had not been anywhere near, or been in touch with my mother, and to be quite honest, I couldn't blame either of them for not visiting, but at least I made the time and effort, to pay her a visit. But now the New Years over, it will probably be another 12 month's before any of us see or hear of her again?

Another thing that I have noticed is, that whenever I have gone to see her on my own, she can/has been rather nasty, not shown any interest of my visit, and completely ignored me by turning the volume of the TV Very loud! But if I have gone to see her with any member of the family, for instance, my son, nephew, sister, that she has included me in any conversations, that has been going on between us at the time, making the atmosphere tolerable and getting along fine to be a priority!

I cannot understand why my mothers behavior is so different, on visiting her on my own or with anyone else, which can affect the way that I am treated, being no reason for the ignorance in the first place?

My mother is very bad with her mobility and very rarely leaves the house, but that doesn't give her any reason not to get me or my brother's on the phone at any time, as she would do with my sister's if they had not made any frequent visit's!

This is very hard for me, to swallow my pride and go and visit my mother on these occasion's, as I clearly remember my grandmother (mothers, mother) on one occasion stating to my mother that she had in fact got five children and not two, that she so clearly reminded everyone that she had? My mother didn't swallow her pride and change the way that she treats us, no! She still continues in her own way's, trying to make us the guilty party for not going and seeing her, as she so makes out?

[roiisgurl]

thanx for ur reply. well i am so sorry to hear that u r goin threw this with ur mom i know how u feel cuz i have been there. i mean i know wut u mean to get pushed aside n b ignored cuz that happened to me alot with my mom. i mean i was NEVER my moms fav. n everyone knows that but i did try to b there when she would go to the hospital but 4 wut even though i was d only one who was there with her that didnt change ne thing i was still a no body n her eyez (i never understood y). even now that i talk about it, it hurts to know that my mom never saw me as a good daughter she always saw me as the daughter that made her life miserable n d daughter who made her so unhappy. i mean it would feel so ugly to c the way she would treat my 3brothers so differently from d way she would treat me. i mean when i lived with her i was not allowed do to ne thing my 2 other brotherz could go out n if i even thought of goin out she would raise hell n call me namez with out mercy. she would say that i had just left my husband n i was already being a lil b*&@h. i never did understand nething to be honset with u n it hurts because now that she is gone i forgive her n i regret everything that i did n said to her even though i was not the best daughter n her eyez

[paula]

Hi Roiisgurl

I understand what your saying!

i was still a no body n her eyez (i never understood y). even now that i talk about it, it hurts to know that my mom never saw me as a good daughter she always saw me as the daughter that made her life miserable n d daughter who made her so unhappy. i mean it would feel so ugly to c the way she would treat my 3brothers so differently from d way she would treat me.

IT DOES HURT! It hurts because we was not always like this! All through growing up, as far back as I can remember, we looked out for one another. Whether it's got anything to do with there being Seven Year's between me and my sister, or Eight Year's between me and my youngest sister, I don't know?

When My mother was pregnant with my brother who is next to me, she found out when she was giving birth that she was having twins! You see in them day's, they didn't have Scans, and hospital visit's was far between each visit's. Also, you could opt to have an home birth. When she was in Labor, she gave birth to my brother through a Breach birth (feet first) then she thought it was all over till she said to the midwife that she felt the urge to push again! When she did push, indeed, she did give birth, to a little girl. But there was complication's. Not with the birth, the twin girl was born with a huge lump of jelly stuck to her back, which later proved to be another unformed Fetus! There was nothing they could do to save the twin girl in those day's, putting the death down to Spinabifita?

My point is here, that you would of thought that she would of been a very over protected mother, which in no doubt, she probably was when I was younger? But to see that she had already lost a daughter, through to no fault of her own, You'd think that we'd be very close, not just with me, but with all the family?

Anyway, that's in the past. It's the future we've got to worry about?

I'm not saying that any of our relationship's are over, but it does take both parties to form a relationship, and I am like my brother's, you can only take so much? There's taking the piss and taking the PISS!

[roiisgurl]

i really dont know y i am really writtin this but i have been thinkin about my mom lately. i dont know i just feel so bad at timez that i just dont know wut to do. i start to remember all the things that i did to her n how many timez i hurt her n....that just hurts. time after time i would see her cry n not care n it hurts so much cuz now when i cry i feel the same cuz i feel as if no one carez. i just cant explain the way i feel i just wish that i could wake up one day n not feel so much guilt n pain.

[xenophon]

If you continue to remain seized of this, I suggest talking to a professional acquainted with grief. There is no need to be struggling with this.

[roiisgurl]

well thanx for the advise and i am already talkin to my theropist n she just made me understand that i could luv n hate at person at the same time n it is not wrong to hate her cuz of wut she did

[Guest FourAnchors]

I think some of the things your are saying are so mature in your understanding. I would bet money on the fact that your Mother loved you very much. It is hard when someone who you love takes their hurt/pain out on you and not intentially, but if she was lonely, cried a lot and the other things you mentioned, she was obviously in a lot of pain and may not have had any resources to vent or get those feelings out...except sometimes by taking them out on whoever is near. ............................................I'm so sorry for your loss as I can hear it is a huge one to you. Her being burried on your b-day, wow...as much as that is painful, think of it as a day you shared, she gave you life on that day, and it was that same day you became bonded in another way.

You are so sweet ..my gosh, most children don't look at things the way you do. It can only help you to have that understanding how she may have felt, and that I would think may also help you understand she really didn't hate you or nor did you hate her...not getting along with parents is normal.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. Embrace the good memories when you can.

Best wishes in your healing from this!!!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Roiisgurl,

I have a couple of comments: I agree that we love and hate and that is common. When the person we love and hate dies, it becomes even more difficult to cope because of the unresolved and angry feelings. Clearly, you feel guilt. I suggest that, when you feel guilt about your mother, that you remember all the times she was not nice to her.

In terms of how you treated her, I really understand. Besides being a therapist I am also the father of two women who, when they were teenagers, were not nice to either of us (my wife and I). We can all laugh about it now because we knew then and we know now that it was something they had to go through. Some people have an easy adolescence. I had a hard one and many people do. Unfortunately, your mother died before the two of you could work it out. However, as you see from Paula, sometimes it is never possible to work it out. Her mother, still alive, is still mean to Paula. I have seen many cases like that.

Now, it is your job to live. You are entitled to your life. I agree with Fouranchors that you come across here as very sweet. You need to know that because you need to start embracing yourself and loving yourself.

Allan