I feel hopeless...

[Insane Sanity]

Hello. I've come here looking for some insight on my ongoing mental issues. I'm 25 years old and have had "severe depression" since I was 6. So depression is no new venture for me. However, over the past five years I've developed far worse mental problems. Which have recently become more persistent and more severe. To make this as short and sweet as possible, I will make a list of my current symptoms.

* "Spacing out"~ Out of the blue I become disconnected from the world around me. I stare off into nothing and become both physically and mentally numb. Sounds become more faint and I lose the ability to speak. Objects and people in my field of vision become blurry. Almost a form of temporary paralysis. Which has been occurring more often than not lately.

* Sudden sadness~ I can go from feeling perfectly normal, or even happy, to feeling hopeless, suicidal, guilty, and extremely extremely depressed. I often find myself crying uncontrollably suddenly for no particular reason. This has been going on for quite some time.

* Anxiety~ Now this is something I've had to contend with for about three years now. My limbs, usually hands, will begin to shake to the point that I'm unable to function. This will sometimes lead to Panic Attacks. Which, over the years I've been able to contend with. Meaning, I've learned how to keep myself from passing out. These generally occur during a stressful time or situation. But have occurred unprovoked. I generally wake up shaking, as if I'd just had a terrible nightmare. But it never seems to subside.

* Nightmares~ I have them more often than not. In fact, I can't recall the last neutral dream I had.

* Suicidal thoughts~ Now this is a huge issue. I have attempted suicide before... a few times actually since I was 17. Over the past few months I have contemplated suicide on almost a daily bases. Though evidently my will to live still exists. To give a bit of insight, a couple years back, I found myself with a loaded, ready to fire shotgun in my mouth and my finger on the trigger... That's just one instance.

* Emotional distance~ I'm becoming increasingly emotionally numb to anything other than sadness. I find myself unable to feel anything for those I care about more and more frequently. I'm terrified of losing the ability to feel at all...

* Memory loss~ This is something that has just recently become a problem. My short term and long term memory has begun to fade. I can't seem to remember much of anything anymore.

* Loss of interest~ Things I used to find enjoyable or entertaining, no longer are. I love to draw, but I can't even bring myself to pick up a pencil these days. I feel like I'm in a constant state of boredom.

Well, I believe that's it. After typing all this out, I'm a bit reluctant to post it honestly. I haven't the ability to go to a Therapist just yet. As much as I wish I could. I feel like I'm completely going insane and I'm helpless to stop it...