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Felling obligated to say who I am


Rayne
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It seem that there are a mass of people on this site and that maybe the regulars are a handful of guys and a few gals that have become fairly tight. I don't want to feel like I'm lurking in the shadows, spying so, I'll try to give a summary of why I here lurking in the first place.

Okay, lets see - I was raised being told that my place, being female, was to be suductive for men, visually and in action and body language. I had it down by the age of three, copying Mae West. I was supposed to be pure pleasure to the senses, erotic in every way. It was impressed upon me what the standard of beauty was and, that if I was good at suducing men, my reward was to able to turn the tables, making the master a servant, through sex. No shit, that what my mother taught! My father taught that woman were incapable of rational, intellegent thought because we were emotional creatures. I was brainwashed.

I don't know if I need to explain this but both my parents were sex addicts, in there own ways and I, to this day, find myself comparing myself to the sythetic barely, legals of the porn industry. My upbringing created developemental and emotional damage. Dad was addicted to porn and I knew his priorities - his obsession towards my mother the most important thing to him. Next was his porn then, the way people viewed him. I think I might have been next, hard to say. My mother, well, she was addicted to love and had affairs all the time. She got off on control, like my dad.

Skip ahead, I married a porn addict that spent the first 20 years of our marriage unable to get an errection or falling asleep on me. I was insane with sexual frustration and emotional intimicy, but I was NOT goin to be like my mother! When we did have sex, I could count on three things: that he would finish too quick, that it would be more of a teast than a release, and that I would get pregnant. He could not be with me because the porn left him too detached, I guess. He was also an abusive little a**. Regardless, it destroyed what was left of my self worth.

Skip ahead some more and, I'll tell you I've been insanely lonely for at least 5 years. I understand my husband's issues and don't expect more from him than his honesty. I think though, I am dieing slowly because of the madening state of my attachment figures. I seriously just need other people to talk to so I can reconnect with myself. If I fail at that, I'm doomed to die or have an affair - same thing to me.

Ignore my spelling, please. I wrote it quick and cannot proof read because of emotional yuckiness.

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I think I am detached from everything emotionally, if it doesn't have a soothing effect on my core. It hasn't always been that way. Porn was a trigger throughout my marriage and I had strong reactions. My husband kep it a secret, which made it worse the two time that I found it. I know this won't make sense, but finding it and knowing it was his created a trauma in me. It took me 4 years to get over it; it was like a death. That was in the first 2 years of my marriage and if he hadn't cried and begged, I would have left then. In 2011, I found it again. Not just porn but the motherload. I found detailed history from 2 google search histories, 4 movie site, and more porn sites than I can count. He frequented an ameture "blog" and google every female in entertainment for nude photos. He looked at rape scenes from movies that had been clipped, ggogled girls that were actresses that were 16-19 yrs old, and other oddities like sex dolls - all because he was "curious". To me though, it was an other trauma and infact, I went into shock and detached completely. I was a walking zombie. I could process anything in my enviroment, I fet numb, my vission was blurred and when people spoke, it was like listening to them from under water. I was like that for two months and my mother had to come and help out with me and the kids. I've never been the same since.

Because of the emotional and physical abuse I endure after I found the porn, once my mother was gone, I barely function. It is possable that I have detached from my children, sure. I don't know when it would have happened. It possable, now that I think about it, that it happened while I was still grieving the first porn trauma. IDK. I might have detached from my first two kids while married to thier father, who was an abusve narcissism. It's hard to fight for your kids if your own empathy for them creates a new debilitating trauma. I have to be able to function.

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Have you talked to a therapist about any of this, or even considered going to talk to one?

That is a lot to deal with I am sorry you had to go through it all.

Yeah, most therepist refer me to others say they don't feel qualified. The ones I have been able to see have been short lived though. One still calls me to make sure I'm still physically fine, even though I owe her hundreds of dollars. Basically, I lost my insurrance because I forget meeting dates. With state insurence, you get dropped if you miss an apointment without 24 hour cancelation.

I've been dealing with my crap alone for so long though, counceling feel very sterilized and impotent.

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Oh sorry to hear, I know this is late but perhaps something could have been set up so that you remember I have a calendar I consult daily so that I don't forget anything. I can be air headed myself.

I am sorry things didn't work out with counseling, you could always try again later and find someone you like if you ever feel like you could. I totally understand the dealing with it alone, I just recently started talking to a therapist it's been interesting so I get it. This site helped a lot though, their is a blog section that I frequent here that gives me peace of mind -if only a little- most days. Have you tried writing blogs?

I just looked at your profile and had to do a double look when I saw your interests - I thought maybe I opened mine by mistake. I usually respond that I am interested in writing and art (as well as cooking). I must have been in a very different mood when making the account because all I put was people. Anyway, yeah, I guess I like to write but when it comes to a blog, suddenly I get mentally impotent, like a guy with preformence anxiety.

I'll go back to therepy, but I have to wait 6 months (I think) so, I'll just learn what I can in increasing my level of functionality and (hopefully) decreasing my loneliness.

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