What to do after a breakup?

[Lost in Confusion]

I've never posted on one of these sites before but am struggling to get through a personal issue.

A couple years ago I started dating a gal that had broken up from her first love a year prior to us dating due to his lack of respect for her, but she claimed she was over him because she moved states and had limited contact. As we started dating we had many things in common, from where we grew up to life experiences that we grew close. However every few months, I'd feel like she was comparing me to her first love and we'd end up breaking up, mainly as she'd say because she didn't have that type of relationship she once had. Of course we'd always end up getting back together within a week because she'd realize she wasn't in the same past relationship and wanted to see where we went. Of course, I am sure it wasnt helping that he'd occasionally email, and such, was a very close friend to her before they dated and the first guy she fell in love with. After 2 occasions of this happening, she got into an argument with this guy and we started our third round (I know crazy, but I figured if we could get past the hard times we'd be into the clear) Anyway one thing led to another and we had a child.

The pregnancy I had heard was common, one minute she was my friend, next minute I was her enemy, not sure if this is common actually, just heard stories from friends that it happened to them too. We had our child and couple months later she takes off to another state with our child. We still talked on a daily basis, spent holidays together, and she did come back to visit, all seemed ok without the relationship title, but this past holiday it came to light that she and her ex from earlier are talking again and are possibly going to get back together, because she wants to see if its meant to be.

Anyway onto my issue, I'm having a rather hard time accepting this, I know she is allowed to move on and I truly do love her, so I want her to be happy. But I can't help to think that she didn't put all the love she claims she had into the relationship if she was still "not over" her ex-boyfriend and is debating getting back with him, as it's been only 3 months since we've split. Which of course makes me wonder what I did wrong to not make her forget her past enough to move on herself, and have now started getting panic attacks because I am constantly wondering what she is doing and of course that brings out thoughts of what does she not tell me. I am trying hard to let her do her thing, but also miss the friendship we had, and want to be a friendly seperated mother and father for our child, which I am finding more difficult because I guess I am slightly jealous she has moved on and hurt that it's for a guy I believe isn't worth her time.

I've got the basics down, I have to be there for my child, I have to move on somehow, it'll get easier with time, and I cant do anything about what she's doing, BUT how do I deal with all this stuff quickly instead of constantly thinking about her and who/what she's doing and ultimately starting myself into a panic attack. Also how do I maintain a friendship or even eventually have a good friendship with her in the years to come for our child? Any advice would be great.

Edited January 8, 2009 by Lost in Confusion

[paula]

Hi Lost in Confusion and welcome to our Community.

First:

We had our child and couple months later she takes off to another state with our child. We still talked on a daily basis, spent holidays together, and she did come back to visit, all seemed ok without the relationship title, but this past holiday it came to light that she and her ex from earlier are talking again and are possibly going to get back together, because she wants to see if its meant to be.

It sounds like all your bothered about is getting your wife back! What about your child in all of this? You mention x amount of time that you still love your wife, but what about your child?

Anyway onto my issue, I'm having a rather hard time accepting this, I know she is allowed to move on and I truly do love her, so I want her to be happy. But I can't help to think that she didn't put all the love she claims she had into the relationship if she was still "not over" her ex-boyfriend and is debating getting back with him, as it's been only 3 months since we've split. Which of course makes me wonder what I did wrong to not make her forget her past enough to move on herself, and have now started getting panic attacks because I am constantly wondering what she is doing and of course that brings out thoughts of what does she not tell me. I am trying hard to let her do her thing, but also miss the friendship we had, and want to be a friendly seperated mother and father for our child, which I am finding more difficult because I guess I am slightly jealous she has moved on and hurt that it's for a guy I believe isn't worth her time.

Have you heard yourself here! Nothings mentioned about the fact that she deserted you with your child and how the hell are you going to see that child? I know that this child is only a baby at the moment, but children do grow up you know! Are you prepared to just let her walk out of your life with your child? You don't seem to be doing much to stop her! She could of come to you on the rebound, but get a grip! this is not all about you here. There's a child involved here!

I've got the basics down, I have to be there for my child, I have to move on somehow, it'll get easier with time, and I cant do anything about what she's doing, BUT how do I deal with all this stuff quickly instead of constantly thinking about her and who/what she's doing and ultimately starting myself into a panic attack. Also how do I maintain a friendship or even eventually have a good friendship with her in the years to come for our child? Any advice would be great.

Get over it! Life goes on, shit happens! You've got responsibilities now? Anyway, I can't see how you would want her back after her going back to her previous boyfriend? I know I wouldn't! The only thing you can do now is do what's the best for your child!

[paula]

Glad to hear it!

What I can't understand is, why have a baby with you if all along she was hoping to get back with her ex? You'd think with the extra package, that her ex wouldn't want to be burdened with somebody else's child? Somethings not right with this situation!

So as I can see it, it looks to me as she was stringing you along all the time? At what I've read!

Why should she go through the trouble of moving states, and making a new life with you by marrying you, you did say you were married didn't you? And having your child, only to go back with her ex? Not, unless her ex cannot father children, and this was planned anyway to get a family? I don't know, I just surmising?

I would off thought that she would off had to have your permission to take your child out of the state, or is that only if she intends to take your child out of the country? I know it works like that over here in the UK.

You see, this is where you've got to be all grown up. It's no good thinking what if? It's happened and no matter what you think, it's not going to turn back time! Also, there's no such word as if! Not in my dictionary anyway!

The best thing you can do is get on with it! You have got to get over her and move on! This girl in my eye's, is wanting her cake and eating it!

You've got to look after your little boy now and if it means going to your docs and getting something to help you overcome this, then be it!