Alxias

Slowly slipping off the edge. I know I am. It's not depression; though I don't feel particularly happy at this point in time. It's insanity. My mind continues racing as I know that there was no logical explination as to what happened last night. Two journals ago I posted something telling you of the shadows and the bright light I'd been seeing. journal here: http://alxias.deviantart.com/journal/29917084/ Things slacked off. More or less because I wasn't at home. I didn't give it time to conflict with me. Until last night. I'll give you truth. And tell you I can't explain it. I was lying awake in bed around 11:15 pm last night. I was typing out a journal on Furaffinity. It was a nearly short journal, so I was about to sign my name, and everything around me kinda spazzed out. I swear to god, my bedframe started the shake violently, and quickly. Almost like a vibration, only less smooth. Like some one or something was shaking it from all the posts at the same time. Or something was over top of me. I really don't know how to explain it. Like. At all. I have never been so scared in my life. I; as weird as this is going to sound, would have rather seen a being cloaked in black shadows with glowing eyes staring down at me as it messed with my calmness than the unexplainable random shaking my bed did experiance. To tell you the truth, if I HAD seen an appirition((SP*)), shade, ghost, wraith, ect. I would have felt kinda... better in a sense. Instead I got the shit shaken outta me, and ran to Sym crying. I feel like I'm crazy. My room is brand new. The house is old as shit, but my room is only 13 years old. There's no way anything could have died in there, and even if it had, why has this fucker waited this long to contact me? I know it sound utterly crazy. I was not asleep, Not tired, Rather upset but not tired. And now I'm exhauseted as I didn't get to sleep until around 3am. And yes, I slept in my own bed. After cranking up some 'soothing to my ears' music. *headdesk* Lots of work left to do. Maybe I'll take a nap on the couch when I get home.. later.. ~Ally

@ASchwartz Hello. Sorry it has taken so long for me to reply. I have trouble managing to get online to actually do much of anything besides college work. As when it comes to being abused, Not physically. Mentally I believe so. My sister is 3 years younger than I. She's smarter, prettier, and well, The favorite. I'm 19. I'm in a technical college because I didn't have the grades, or money to go anywhere else, but wasn't the kind of person to be stuck in my current job, Mcdonalds, two years and running, forever. I have Firbromialgia, ADD, ADHD, Chrones, and Multiple personality disorder. We'll say I'm the little deformality of the family. I tend to forget days in a whole. I mean I can't remember them ever taking place. For a while, I took the caladar off the wall. None of it made sense to me. I ((in the time I hadn't replied)) have gotten used to having more than one 'me' in my head. I stay away from foods that mess with my chrones. As for the constant pain? Well.. it's still there, I just don't think I feel pain the same way others can anymore. Am I insane? Basically I believe so. But What can I do to stop it? Oh, and a point? I'm not medicated on any of the diag's anymore. I can't afford it. Thanks for taking an intrest: Ally

Is this rare..? I feel so very out of placed.. I mean everyone around me has had/likes to have sex. I'm nearly 20 years old, Still a virgin, and terrified of having intercourse. What is wrong with me???

I'm no doctor. Not even close. But I've had to deal with fighting parents. The constant back and forth yelling, sometimes, even weapons and beatings brought in. And sometimes they seem completely alright with life. I know that fighting within a house can usually bring about just enough, if not too much stress for not only the parents, but the children, and anybody else living in the house. They don't think about it, we don't think about it, It's just as you say, Cause and effect. Might I suggest, when you feel like you say you do, try chewing on some ginger ((i know sounds crazy)) or drinking some ginger ale? It's a root that calms, and makes you slightly sleepy. Peppermint can help clear your mind as well. It's a simple technique that may help you just a bit.. Like said before, I'm not medical officer. Hope I helped, Good luck with what ever you choose to do, ~ Ally

it really does sound alot like what I'm going through.. Strange thoughts, violent thoughts really. Shifting personalities randomly, and forgetting days. I've been breaking down randomly for what seems like no reason, but everything seems so.. terrible, even though my life in terms is perfectly fine. ((despite some minor things)) Does this sound like what you feel like at all?

I don't know if this is what you mean, but I can truly relate at least a little. I mean, the fact is, when you start to really think about it, it seems, I can get extremely obsessed with the bad thoughts when I should be focusing on the good ones. Being IN the relationship, I get worried, always terrified that I'll be dumped and alone. I just don't think I can stand the idea of being alone like that. Yah see, I don't think it's the relationship that sets us off, it's the commitment. If you were to just be friends and act friendly, you wouldn't have either the problem, nor the sucess in the end. This is just my opinion, and maybe I'm still not speaking of what you had intended I speak of.. Sorry. :/

It has been a long time since I last posted anything here. I thought with the help of others, and some people holding me up, I would be fine. Last night; I broke again. I know I'm still not very high ranked here, and this thread will become easily ignored, I'm sure.. But I had to go somewhere were everyone was having some of the same problems as I.. You see, I was in a fight with my boyfriend. We got it all settled out, everything rusumed it's normalicity, I returned to livestream, drawing art for people to come and watch, hoping with the help of my friends ((they all are ONLINE friends on said streaming feed)) I could pull out of the darkness that had re-covered me too suddenly it seemed. Trouble was, I got offline after finishing the picture, and didn't feel a tinge better in the end. I ended up crying on the living room floor, eating a fudge sickle. When my family came to my aide, I didn't know what to tell them. The simple 'What's wrong? What's the problem?' question arose, but I had no answers for them. I just felt like giving up. I didn't want to exist. My mother asked me 'Think about it, what does it mean to not exist?' And all I could mutter was 'To not matter, to not be the problem anymore.' I don't know.. See, I thought that once these feelings left, that I wouldn't have to deal with them anymore.. But it seems I was wrong. Also, I don't know if this has anything to do with such a topic, but I've found myself randomly angry, and forgetting whole days every now and then. Any ideas..? Comments..? Suggestions? ~Tragically insane, ~Ally:(

hopeless09, No, I am not on any kind of medicine what so ever. I used to take tons of medicine as a child ((grade school and the such)) for my ADD, but I've never been put on any kind of medicine for depression or anxiety disorder. I can't really get anything to treat it, as my family believes it's just a mood, and it will pass. Slowly, it goes away a bit, and it's anger and sadness that spikes it. Then, out of nowhere; it's back, worse than ever.. *sigh*

I must say I'm completely nervous about posting here. I have a fear of rejection and failure, and new people make me nervous... But I just wanted to say hello, and put out there, that if you ever needed any help which eveyrone else couldn't/wouldn't help out with, I'll be here.

I really don't want to be seen either as a psychopath, or abandoned.. as usual. VF is my BF. I'm sure you know this by now, by being a watcher. Zez is his former 'best friend'. I say former because they were split up for a great amount of time, almost a year. They didn't talk, or co-write their story together, or anything. I felt depressed back then because I split them up without trying too. They both loved me. Now they've gotten back together. ((I say it in this way because he spends almost all of his time with Zez now.)) tell me if anything hasn't made sense as of now.. The rest of the depression.. I just don't know where it came from.. or why I want to kill myself. I haven't slept for over 4 days, because I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me... I don't want to worry anybody. The MOST I've ever done was cut. It happened alot for a long time. I kick and punch things now, because I was tired of the scars, and tired of worrying VF. At least when I broke a knuckle, or sprained my ankle I could blame it on falling.. I keep having urges to do it. It's horrible.. One moment I'm fine, just crying. The next, I spot a pill bottle, or envelope opener, and things snap. Ranting is all I can do to keep myself from really hurting myself... I don't know where I should post this, or how anybody could help.. It's all so confusing.. I just want to die... VF is clueless, I don't want him to worry.. *sigh* =/ Help anybody..?